“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Eph. 6:10–12)

Life events have combined to make me somber. I attended the funeral today of a 25 year old who lost hope in overcoming his addictions. He was a good kid. He had a big heart. He was talented. But all of that was overshadowed and lost in an evil that overwhelmed him. I think sometimes we forget that we are at war. We are at war with a real power. And though there are times in our life where we feel at ease, that presence is always there, never giving up the hope that he can drag us down. That he can stop us from fulfilling the things that God desires for us. Sometimes it is just so overwhelming to see the sorrow and the burden that so many people carry. It is painful to see people you love, even people you don't even know, who don't have the joy and peace that comes from living right and having Heavenly Father and the Savior with you. I can't imagine my life without that. And I mess up plenty. Sometimes it is hard to not be depressed because of my sins, mistakes, weaknesses, and shortcomings. But I know those feelings do not come from God. I can pray and feel peace knowing that despite all I lack, all I do wrong, the Lord loves me and is pleased with me. I wish so badly that everyone would feel that all the time. But that assurance usually comes from praying, and you can't force anyone to pray. I guess all I can do is to continue praying for them. But it's hard sometimes.

The Word on the Street is True

Have you ever heard people say that stab wounds bleed a lot? Well it's true. Thanks to the stab I gave myself, I don't have to rely on other people's experience to know that. I now know for myself that if you are stabbed, you will bleed a lot. Emphasis on A LOT. Yesterday I dropped a knife on my foot. Immediately, their was a huge puddle of blood probably twice the circumference of my foot. Immediately. My first thought was whether I had hit an artery. I had seriously not seen that much blood except for childbirth. My second thought was, "Crap. The last thing I need today is to figure out how to extricate myself from home so I can go get stitches. Who will I get to watch my kids. I need to get dinner on the table. I need to finish preparations for YW. I've got to clean up all this blood, finish getting Macy her peaches, and get Kate's bottle because she's crying. There has to be a way I can stop this bleeding." So, with all my first aid knowledge gleaned from years of girls' camp I proceeded with the following: apply pressure ("Avery I need more napkins, these are all soaked through!"), get bandages and tape and wrap it as tightly as I can (Avery was right up there unwrapping a bandaid and putting antibiotic on it:), don't put any pressure on it ("Shoot! Carston will you get me another rag? I've got another puddle of blood."), and last but not least, elevate it (while feeding Kate her bottle of course). It seemed to do the trick. And don't worry about the artery. My doctor brother-in-law said there are several arteries going into your toes, so I'm okay if one clots off. It was a good lesson for the kids though: this is why mom tells you not to touch the knives!

Evidence

Remember the talk by Elder Eyring where he talked about keeping a journal of how he had seen the hand of the Lord in his life each day? I've tried to do that. I'm not very consistent, but I try to write in it. It really does amaze me when I spend time contemplating how the Lord has helped me each day. His hand is definitely in my life, in the large and the small things. Here's something little from today. I was going to pick up Carston from school. I had to wake up two of the girls to go, so everyone was grumpy and whiney and it was a bit of an ordeal to get everyone out the door. I had Macy and Kate in the car, had grabbed my purse, and left the front door locked but open. I went in the car to wait for Avery who was dragging her feet. I got in the car, reached for my keys, and remembered that they were sitting on the stairs. By this time Avery had made it to the car, so I started feeling sick thinking about how now we were locked out of the house and Carston was expecting me to pick him up in five minutes. Avery always shuts the door behind her, so needless to say I was struck with gratitude when I headed back to the porch and saw it open. Some people might say it was just luck, by maybe luck is really God's blessing. The more I search my life, and ponder, and write, the more inclined I am to believe the latter.

Where is perfection?

I had an epiphany the other day. Sometimes I get myself into trouble by wanting and thinking that I am farther along on my path to perfection then I really am. Don't know if that makes sense. Things come along that kind of bug me, but I try to shake it off and tell myself that it really isn't that big of a deal and it shouldn't bother me, and then I try to act accordingly, and then time passes and I find that I'm in a bad mood, and then I have to retrace my steps and my days trying to pinpoint why I'm so grumpy, and it is hard to figure it out because it usually relates to something that happened several days ago, and that I tried to suppress, because "Hey, I shouldn't be bothered by that event, right? I'm better than that." When the reality is, "No, right now you're not better than that. Maybe some day you will be, but be honest with yourself, admit your weak and that you get upset by things that really aren't important, deal with it, resolve it and move on." Sounds simple in writing, but I still struggle with it. I just want to be better than I am. Nothing wrong with that right? ........Wrong.

He is here

I feel so grateful lately for Heavenly Father's presence and influence in my life. I seriously see His hand in my life every day, answering prayers, performing miracles. Just yesterday, he orchestrated an event so that I could have the opportunity to show love for one of my young women. I've been praying about her and her circumstances a lot, and I was so grateful that my prayers were answered. I am blessed everyday. I know that God is aware of us, that He hears our pleas, and that He can bless us when we ask in faith.

Can I get some motivation???

Monday is my cleaning day. I vacuum, make sure everything is put away, clean the bathrooms, kitchen, etc. But today, I just really, really, really, don't want to clean today. Really. So instead I'm online wasting precious time. Did I mention how much I don't want to clean?

Soliciters

Can I just say that I HATE dealing with people who are trying to sell me stuff. If I ever turn them down I can't wait to tell John because I'm so proud of myself. Usually if I look out the window and see that I don't know the person, I'll make John answer the door so that he can deal with the pestering people. So obviously I'm writing this because I had to deal with one of these pesky people today. I had to spend precious minutes listening to her rant about how she can get a scholarship, and how she's been out all day, how sweaty her head is underneath all her hair, how she put on sunscreen but is still sunburned anyway, how she'll even give me some money if I'll just buy a subscription, how she's been working at this for twelve weeks, blah, blah ,blah, blah, blah. You can get subscriptions on eBay for super cheap right, so why in the world would I spend SIXTY dollars for a stupid magazine. I wouldn't. Unless I was put into this unbearable situation. Ugh. First she is telling me the cheapest one is 48, so of course she suckers me into it eventually (all while I'm thinking about all the other ways I'd rather spend that money) but then when I'm writing the check, she fesses up to the detail she conveniently didn't mention before-the FIFTEEN dollars for shipping and handling or something stupid like that. So I'm getting these super awesome children's magazines for only about ten dollars a piece. Super Swell Deal. And I can't help but wonder if anything she told me was true. Did she really only have to get 2 more people....Was she really out all day....It all seems like too much of a perfected scheme to sucker people like me into spending money on something they normally would never even consider. Oh yeah, to top it all off she felt the need to hug me at the very end. Seriously? You feel the need to get intimate like that with a complete stranger. That whole bit left me almost as uncomfortable as buying the magazines. And in case she told anyone of my neighbors out there that I suggested she visit them...NOT TRUE! Although I couldn't wait for her to leave my porch, I didn't lose my integrity by selling out a neighbor to hurry up her departure.

Will it be enough?

So I was feeling discouraged lately and trying to pinpoint the reason. I decided it wasn't the busyness of my life. I like being busy and I find satisfaction and joy in the things I'm doing. But I realized it centered more around the fact that I was always feeling as though I was falling short in all of my responsibilities. It just seemed like I was always thinking of all these other things I could be doing as a wife, a mother, a YW pres, an individual. So I started wondering why that was so discouraging, why was thinking about different things I could be doing upsetting? I realized that it centered around the question, "Will it be enough." The list of good things we could be doing in our lives is endless. Of course we can't do them all. So why do we stress out about it. Ultimately for me, what it really comes down to is wondering if what I am doing as a mother will be enough for my children to gain their own testimonies, to establish a relationship with their Savior, to be responsible, kind, wise, loving adults, to develop their gifts and talents. Is what I am doing as a wife enough for John to know that I love him, is it enough for him to feel supported, enough for us to stay close to each other. Is what I am doing with the Young Women in our ward enough to strengthen them, to help them be strong in resisting temptation, to build their testimonies and faith, to believe that they are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves them? Is what I am doing right now as an individual enough to develop my own gifts and talents, is it enough to show the Lord my gratitude for all that He has given me, is it enough my Him to be pleased with me? That is what I really worry about. It isn't really about all the different things I could/should/want to be adding to my day. What I really care about is if it is enough. And that is where faith comes in. I truly believe that the Lord led and directed my life so that I would be in my exact circumstances right now, so that I would have the kids I do, with the ages they are, so that I would be in this calling in this particular ward, etc. I have had many experiences where the Spirit has testified to me that those things are true. I also believe that the Lord can strengthen me and magnify my time and effort so that I can accomplish whatever he requires of me. I loved in general conference when they talked about how there is such a thing as overdoing. That the Lord will accept that which is enough. I have faith in the Lord that He has placed me in the circumstances I am in, that He can guide and direct me, that He can strengthen and magnify the things that I do so that it will be enough. When I realized that, the discouragement went away. I'm grateful to Heavenly Father for helping me to realize the truth of the situation I am in. And I'm grateful that if I trust the Lord, rely on Him, and seek His guidance in how I spend my time and energies, that the answer will be yes. Yes, it is enough.

Wishful Thinking

Once again I'm wishing that I could be more than I am. I feel like I'm just falling short in everything. I only have so much time and so much energy (rather low with all the nighttime feedings) and it is a constant battle to not get down on myself for everything I want to be doing, or think I should be doing, or wish I could be doing. I wish I had more time to play with my children-that whenever they asked me to play baseball or a game or barbies or something that I could always say yes. Maybe if there wasn't any cooking,cleaning, or laundry to be done. I wish that I had amazing dinners waiting for John when he came home. I wish that I never got impatient with all the requests that were coming from four very little mouths. I wish I could give each young woman in the ward personal encouragement and any physical help they need each day. I wish that I was completely on top of scrapbooking and blogging our family history. I wish that my house was always in order and my bathrooms always clean. I wish that I was doing more to ease my mom's grief. I wish that I could find the time and energy to work out every day. I wish I could find the time each day to practice the guitar and or finish the song I'm trying to write. I wish that I could find 15 uninterrupted minutes to study my scriptures each day. The list could go on forever, but I don't even have the time to finish my thoughts because it is late and John is asking if I'm ready to go to bed. Hmmmmm. There is a time and a season to all things right?

Superwoman

So I decided to make my own blog so that I can record my own mental and spiritual journey. So here it is. I guess it will be sort of like my journal. I've been struggling lately with not being able to be superwoman. I want to be a great wife. I want to be a great mother. I want to be a great daughter. I want to be a great sister. I want to be a great friend. And I want to be a great YW president. And I can't do it all. At least not at the same time, and not with my definition of great. So I end up feeling like I'm always falling short. I think mentally, I knew I couldn't do it all when the baby came, but I figured after a sufficient adjustment period I'd be able to at least manage satisfactory in all areas. I guess my adjustment period has ended in my subconscious because I find myself getting so discouraged with my performance. Mostly in Young Women's. That has to be last on the list. I don't know. I don't have much time for self-pity, so I cried last night, the morning came, and it was time to get up and get to work. I just need to keep praying that I'll use my time and energies how the Lord wants, and that he'll help me let go of the rest. Do all women struggle with this? Do we all have the desire to be superwoman? It's a fine line to walk. It pushes us to be better, and yet it can also inspire discouragement when we can't let go of unrealistic expectations.