I attended a funeral yesterday. It was for a young man, 22, who had died because of someone else's poor decisions. It was a very sad occasion. It has made me think a lot about my life, the person I am, what I want to achieve.
The thing that this young man was remembered for most was the way he treated other people. They talked a lot about how he made everyone feel like his best friend. He rejoiced in their good times and sorrowed for their struggles. I don't know that he was the model man for daily scripture study and prayer, he didn't serve a mission, he had tattoos. He had weaknesses. But he lived a life of love. He expressed often to his parents his love and gratitude for them. He put his arm around his friends and rallied for them. He always jumped in to help the underdog. He was remembered for the way he loved others. That was the tribute they paid to this young man who life was taken before anyone dreamed possible.
It got me thinking about my own life. It is not uncommon for people to think and wonder, or even pose the question: what do you want people to remember you for? But this is the first time it has stayed with me for awhile and hopefully made a lasting change. I thought about what I would be remembered for. I got scared that if I died right now I'd be remembered for my diligence. I'm very good at being diligent when it comes to habits. From the time I was a young teenager until the day I got married, I wrote in my journal EVERY SINGLE DAY. I didn't miss a day for over 5 years. Not a single day. I also read my scripture EVERY SINGLE DAY during the time. It didn't matter if I was going to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, it didn't matter if I was sleeping somewhere else, I did it. That same trait has followed into my marriage and my family. John and I read scriptures and pray together. We do family prayers and scripture study as a family, as well as FHE. I can't say that it has been every single day, but we are pretty consistent.
I'm not knocking those things. I know there is great power in scripture study and prayer. I know blessings come when those things are done individually, as a couple, and as a family. I know those things are important. But as I've pondered this young man's death and my own life, I've had some personal insights. The purpose in life is not to get all those boxes checked off. When I die and go to heaven, God isn't going to pull out my chart and see how many days I missed. These things are not an end in themselves. Checking those boxes off each day are meant to pull us closer toward a greater purpose. We do these things for a reason. What is the why behind all the boxes I try meticulously to check off?
To be like Christ. That is what really matters. We read our scriptures and say our prayers and do all those things we are told to do so that we as individuals and as families will think, act, and BE like the Savior. And the chief characteristic of the Savior is love. Pure, unconditional love. What good does it do me to check off my boxes each day if I fail to love those around me? Really love them. Actively love them. Reach out to them without concern for myself.
Diligence or Charity? I want charity. When my time on this earth is done, I want to be remembered for loving people. I want to be remembered as someone who made you feel loved and valued and important. It is too easy for me to get distracted by all the boxes I feel I need to check off.
God has said that if we will turn to him, He can make our weaknesses into strengths. This is an area where I am weak. But I desperately want to change. I don't want this to be a nice idea that passes through my mind before the week is through. I want my nature to seriously be changed. I want to be filled with charity. I want it not to be something I do, but something that I am.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
10 years of bliss
My husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. There is little else in this world that can bring you greater joy or greater despair than marriage. I always say to my husband, "When things are good between us, everything is okay in the world." When we are close to each other, it doesn't matter what comes our way, we feel like everything will be okay and we can get through anything. But when we aren't close, when there is tension, or hurt feelings (mostly on my part :) it clouds the rest of our worlds. Tiny problems can throw us into bad moods, we are dissatisfied with life and other people...you get the picture.
Our marriage is not perfect. There are definitely those times when we struggle to understand each other. But we have made tremendous progress in our journey through the last ten years. When we were engaged, I'm sure we were like most couples. We thought we had marriage all figured out, we thought there was little else to learn about each other, we thought that there would be little difficulties in our marriage. In essence, we were naive in our presumptions.
I had no idea how marriage would open my mind to every single weakness I have. Some of them are big. Some of them are small. Some have had serious impacts on our marriage while others barely scratch the surface. And I'll be forever grateful for the enlightenment. How in the world can I work to overcome my weaknesses if my eyes are blind to them? So many qualities I thought I had mastered...patience, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, good communication....through marriage, it wasn't hard to see that my work in those areas was far from done. Some people say that marriage can be a real eye-opener. I agree. My marriage has truly opened my eyes as to who I really am.
And I've learned more about who my husband really is. I knew he possessed patience, determination, forgiveness, commitment, etc. I just didn't know how deeply those traits ran. I didn't know how often the quality of our marriage would depend on his ability to exercise those qualities. I didn't realize to the full extent what an amazing man I was marrying. And how could I? Did I know what was in store for us as we started our lives together? Did I know all the challenges and joys we would face together? I had no idea. Neither of us did. And we could hypothesize all we wanted about how we would behave in situations...but neither of us truly knew how we would act. We knew how we'd want to behave, but that didn't mean it would all play out like we hoped. Neither of us knew the strength we possessed until we were forced to use it.
I love my husband. I thank God every day that I get to share my life with him. I am so grateful that he is always in my corner. He sees my weaknesses up close and personal-more than anyone else on this earth-and he still loves me. He helps me and encourages me to be better. He is honest with me even if the truth is not what I'm looking to hear. He has stood by me through dark and trying times. He has carried me when I was crippled with despair. He is the keeper of my most private thoughts. He is gentle and tender when wading through my insecurities. He is thoughtful and kind. He is steady and calm when I'm crashing around. He is my partner in the greatest work we will ever do, raising our children. He is supportive of all my endeavors whether they be building furniture, fulfilling my church callings, creating family traditions, teaching our children, or strengthening myself. He has forgiven me for repeated offenses. He knows that I am a work in progress. I would not be who I am without him by my side.
Yesterday we were talking about how easy it is to get distracted from what is most important in life. I pray that I will never be distracted from loving you, from appreciating you, from enjoying your company. I love you Babe. Thank you for your love and all the ways that you have made me better.
Our marriage is not perfect. There are definitely those times when we struggle to understand each other. But we have made tremendous progress in our journey through the last ten years. When we were engaged, I'm sure we were like most couples. We thought we had marriage all figured out, we thought there was little else to learn about each other, we thought that there would be little difficulties in our marriage. In essence, we were naive in our presumptions.
I had no idea how marriage would open my mind to every single weakness I have. Some of them are big. Some of them are small. Some have had serious impacts on our marriage while others barely scratch the surface. And I'll be forever grateful for the enlightenment. How in the world can I work to overcome my weaknesses if my eyes are blind to them? So many qualities I thought I had mastered...patience, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, good communication....through marriage, it wasn't hard to see that my work in those areas was far from done. Some people say that marriage can be a real eye-opener. I agree. My marriage has truly opened my eyes as to who I really am.
And I've learned more about who my husband really is. I knew he possessed patience, determination, forgiveness, commitment, etc. I just didn't know how deeply those traits ran. I didn't know how often the quality of our marriage would depend on his ability to exercise those qualities. I didn't realize to the full extent what an amazing man I was marrying. And how could I? Did I know what was in store for us as we started our lives together? Did I know all the challenges and joys we would face together? I had no idea. Neither of us did. And we could hypothesize all we wanted about how we would behave in situations...but neither of us truly knew how we would act. We knew how we'd want to behave, but that didn't mean it would all play out like we hoped. Neither of us knew the strength we possessed until we were forced to use it.
I love my husband. I thank God every day that I get to share my life with him. I am so grateful that he is always in my corner. He sees my weaknesses up close and personal-more than anyone else on this earth-and he still loves me. He helps me and encourages me to be better. He is honest with me even if the truth is not what I'm looking to hear. He has stood by me through dark and trying times. He has carried me when I was crippled with despair. He is the keeper of my most private thoughts. He is gentle and tender when wading through my insecurities. He is thoughtful and kind. He is steady and calm when I'm crashing around. He is my partner in the greatest work we will ever do, raising our children. He is supportive of all my endeavors whether they be building furniture, fulfilling my church callings, creating family traditions, teaching our children, or strengthening myself. He has forgiven me for repeated offenses. He knows that I am a work in progress. I would not be who I am without him by my side.
Yesterday we were talking about how easy it is to get distracted from what is most important in life. I pray that I will never be distracted from loving you, from appreciating you, from enjoying your company. I love you Babe. Thank you for your love and all the ways that you have made me better.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Lessons in Letting Go
I feel like I'm on the verge of something. These past few weeks, I find myself crying alot. And sometimes I don't really know why. I had a really embarrassing meltdown the other day in front of my mom, sister, and brother. I could not stop crying. I couldn't talk or I knew I'd burst into hysterical sobs. So I attempted to distract myself, cleaning the toy room, while tears wouldn't stop falling down my face. Needless to say, I was mortified. My poor brother...I think I seriously scared him. One minute we're having a nice discussion, and the next minute his sister can't stop crying. It was fun.
I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.
I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)
I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.
I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I give unto men weakness...
Sometimes I get to a point in life where I think I'm doing pretty good. I think I'm learning to be afraid of those times. Because what it really signifies is the calm before the storm. These times usually come after I've felt like I've accomplished some work in my journey to perfection. But really, it is just a little act of mercy from God so I can gear up for more lessons in humility.
Last night, I attempted to talk to someone about behaviors I disagreed with. It didn't go so well. I didn't want to even bring anything up because I already knew that my heart wasn't in a good place. I wasn't filled with charity or compassion or understanding. I was filled with all those other emotions it pains me to admit. I was filled with resentment, anger....all those fun ones. I knew that my heart was in the wrong. I knew it. And yet I felt like I was getting nowhere in trying to change it.
Events happened, things were said, and I ended up sitting on the floor in my dark bathroom with tears running down my face. I felt awful about myself. I knew that I was making judgments about this person, I wanted to be filled with good feelings in my heart, it pained me to know that I had hurt this person's feelings...but my heart remained unchanged.
I'm trying to understand myself better. My husband talked with me about how out of character it was for me to be so harsh in my judgments with this particular person. For the most part, I tend to fall on the other side of the fence, I try to gain understanding and give them a break. So it pains me so much to see this in myself. To know that my heart is in the wrong. And to be unable to change it. I keep trying to grasp at things that will help me. What can I do? What are the actions and behaviors I can modify in order to modify my hard heart?
I've been noticing some patterns in my life. I have a fear of making other people feel bad. I also, surprisingly considering what has been written so far, have a desire not to judge others (I know that sounds like complete hypocrisy). So most of the time, if I disagree with what people are doing, I'm too chicken to say anything at the time being because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So what do I do? Instead I take the much better approach of harboring all those thoughts and feelings, letting them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore, and then I proceed to vomit this huge load of negativity on the person. So in my attempt to not hurt someone's feelings, I end up being much more hurtful than if I'd just be honest with people in the moment. I know. I'm super proud of myself. Why can't I just make a simple comment instead of building everything up into this huge ordeal. I've learned enough about myself to know that things have to come out. I don't even care so much if the other person ends up agreeing with me, but if I don't know that they have heard my viewpoint and know how their behavior makes me feel, I CANNOT GET OVER IT!
I so do not enjoy these times when I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. But I have to fight not to go down that road. It is the cowardly thing to wallow in my misery and self-pity. That is what I wanted to do last night. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave my room and go back out to face the people out there. Because I am so ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my pride. I am ashamed with how far away my heart is from where it should be. I am ashamed of my weaknesses.
But I knew I had to do go out there. I bit my lip, dried my eyes, prayed deeply for courage, and walked down the hall. I apologized. I allowed them to respond to me and agreed as they called out my shortcomings. And then I put on my happy face for the night (although I did whisper to my husband that once everyone left I'd probably have a meltdown).
It is hard sometimes. I feel like my mind is in the right place. As hard as I try to feel otherwise, I think my thoughts about this person's behavior are right. But that doesn't mean anything if my heart is not where it should be. My heart is wrong. Hopefully it will change as I continue to seek that change the next few days.
I am grateful though. The person with whom I share this experience has a good heart. He is willing to forgive me. He is willing to be understanding. He is willing to continue to work with me on improving the way we communicate with each other. He has strengths to compensate for my weaknesses.
Wish me luck as I struggle to not abandon myself to self-loathing and pursue the path of change instead.
Last night, I attempted to talk to someone about behaviors I disagreed with. It didn't go so well. I didn't want to even bring anything up because I already knew that my heart wasn't in a good place. I wasn't filled with charity or compassion or understanding. I was filled with all those other emotions it pains me to admit. I was filled with resentment, anger....all those fun ones. I knew that my heart was in the wrong. I knew it. And yet I felt like I was getting nowhere in trying to change it.
Events happened, things were said, and I ended up sitting on the floor in my dark bathroom with tears running down my face. I felt awful about myself. I knew that I was making judgments about this person, I wanted to be filled with good feelings in my heart, it pained me to know that I had hurt this person's feelings...but my heart remained unchanged.
I'm trying to understand myself better. My husband talked with me about how out of character it was for me to be so harsh in my judgments with this particular person. For the most part, I tend to fall on the other side of the fence, I try to gain understanding and give them a break. So it pains me so much to see this in myself. To know that my heart is in the wrong. And to be unable to change it. I keep trying to grasp at things that will help me. What can I do? What are the actions and behaviors I can modify in order to modify my hard heart?
I've been noticing some patterns in my life. I have a fear of making other people feel bad. I also, surprisingly considering what has been written so far, have a desire not to judge others (I know that sounds like complete hypocrisy). So most of the time, if I disagree with what people are doing, I'm too chicken to say anything at the time being because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So what do I do? Instead I take the much better approach of harboring all those thoughts and feelings, letting them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore, and then I proceed to vomit this huge load of negativity on the person. So in my attempt to not hurt someone's feelings, I end up being much more hurtful than if I'd just be honest with people in the moment. I know. I'm super proud of myself. Why can't I just make a simple comment instead of building everything up into this huge ordeal. I've learned enough about myself to know that things have to come out. I don't even care so much if the other person ends up agreeing with me, but if I don't know that they have heard my viewpoint and know how their behavior makes me feel, I CANNOT GET OVER IT!
I so do not enjoy these times when I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. But I have to fight not to go down that road. It is the cowardly thing to wallow in my misery and self-pity. That is what I wanted to do last night. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave my room and go back out to face the people out there. Because I am so ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my pride. I am ashamed with how far away my heart is from where it should be. I am ashamed of my weaknesses.
But I knew I had to do go out there. I bit my lip, dried my eyes, prayed deeply for courage, and walked down the hall. I apologized. I allowed them to respond to me and agreed as they called out my shortcomings. And then I put on my happy face for the night (although I did whisper to my husband that once everyone left I'd probably have a meltdown).
It is hard sometimes. I feel like my mind is in the right place. As hard as I try to feel otherwise, I think my thoughts about this person's behavior are right. But that doesn't mean anything if my heart is not where it should be. My heart is wrong. Hopefully it will change as I continue to seek that change the next few days.
I am grateful though. The person with whom I share this experience has a good heart. He is willing to forgive me. He is willing to be understanding. He is willing to continue to work with me on improving the way we communicate with each other. He has strengths to compensate for my weaknesses.
Wish me luck as I struggle to not abandon myself to self-loathing and pursue the path of change instead.
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