tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54763990640419218822024-02-18T17:57:30.037-08:00Life is a JourneyUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-28507764172562585372012-02-29T12:13:00.002-08:002012-02-29T12:17:38.740-08:00Dreaming....Life is busy. I feel like there is never enough time in the day to accomplish everything I want to do. <br />I want to shop like crazy for my house so that it doesn't feel like we are living inside a gray box. <br />I want to build an art table and a light table and a hanging swing to stimulate my children's minds. Providing stimulating activities for my kids....there's a subject I never tire of. I recently found this amazing website that has such amazing ideas. I'm hopeful that once the weather warms up and school slows down I'll be able to get my workshop set up in the garage so these things will have a greater possibility of success. <br />I want to get all caught up on my scrapbooking for my kids. <br />I want to get myself in shape. It has been awhile since I've worked out regularly. I've been pushing myself to do it every night though lately, and I've dropped sugar and treats from my diet (with the ability to indulge once a week). I was so proud of myself for not eating the delicious looking cookies and cookie dough my mom brought over last night. I know that bodies change through pregnancies and having kids. And it is a small price to pay. Most of the time, I don't worry about it. That hasn't been the case lately :) I'm looking to tone up and see what is actually possible when it comes to my separated stomach muscles. Jillian Michaels and I are starting to become good friends. <br />I want to find Carston another piano teacher, start Avery with lessons, sign my girls up for gymnastics, get all the kids into soccer, get Avery into sewing lessons.....How in the world would all those lessons fit in?<br />I want to set up a new cleaning system. Things were all organized in our old house. Moving has thrown everything out of whack. It is something I definitely need to do because there is a whole lot more of house that needs cleaning.<br />I want to get together with a landscape architect so that we can transform our dirt yard into the amazing space it was meant to be. I want to preferably do that sooner rather than later so we can enjoy it this coming spring and summer. Anyone know a landscape architect?<br />I want to stain Carston's bed so he isn't sleeping with his mattress on the floor.<br />I want to organize the garage.<br />I want to vacuum out the car again after the long trip to California.<br />I want to.....<br />Okay, now it is turning into my to-do list.<br /><br />It is hard to find a balance for me. There is so much I want to accomplish and do, and yet I know that it isn't all possible right now. Before having kids, I would take on a list like this and go crazy until it was done. Actually, I don't think the list would have even become so lengthy :) Now, it is almost impossible to find 10 minutes free of interuption. How do you stain and build when you have to quit every 5 minutes? And scheduling appointments? That stresses me out. It seems crazy to try and squeeze something else into the day. Let alone get babysitters. Anyway, balancing out my lengthy list of things I want to do with my desire to savor and enjoy my children is sometimes a balancing act :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-8996924424884095852011-10-07T20:40:00.000-07:002011-10-07T21:03:05.478-07:00My Son's Tender HeartTonight, all the kids were in bed and I was trying to get some stuff done. After awhile my 8 year old son came out sobbing. He was crying so hard that he couldn't even tell me what was wrong. Everytime he opened his mouth to tell me, his words would become muffled in his crying. I held him and waited, wondering what was causing him to feel so sad. I'd never seen him so upset. After awhile, he was able to tell me that he missed Grandpa Dick and Grandma Gladys. Grandpa Dick and Grandma Gladys are MY grandparents (his greats). Grandpa died when he was 6 and Grandma died when he was 4. They were amazing people and we were close to them. They lived in our home since the time I was 12, my family of 3 lived there when Carston was a little boy, and when we left we still tried to see them a couple times a week. Since Carston was pretty young when they died, I was surprised he was feeling their absense so strongly. We had a really sweet hour as we talked about them and cried together. We talked about all the things we loved to do with them. We looked at pictures and talked about their lives. We talked about eternal life and the despair we would feel without it. We talked about how pleased they would be with all the good things he is doing in life. He said that everytime he thinks about not seeing them for a long time it just makes him cry harder. And he did. He wanted to know if he could watch videos of them when he woke up in the morning. And he went to sleep reading the book that was filled with pictures and stories of my sweet Grandma Gladys.<br />Death is hard. I bawled with my son and now I'm bawling by myself.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-41391538245857883912011-07-31T13:33:00.001-07:002011-07-31T14:15:27.487-07:00What will they say....I attended a funeral yesterday. It was for a young man, 22, who had died because of someone <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">else's</span> poor decisions. It was a very sad occasion. It has made me think <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">a lot</span> about my life, the person I am, what I want to achieve.<br />The thing that this young man was remembered for most was the way he treated other people. They talked <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">a lot</span> about how he made everyone feel like his best friend. He rejoiced in their good times and sorrowed for their struggles. I don't know that he was the model man for daily scripture study and prayer, he didn't serve a mission, he had <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">tattoos</span>. He had weaknesses. But he lived a life of love. He expressed often to his parents his love and gratitude for them. He put his arm around his friends and rallied for them. He always jumped in to help the underdog. He was remembered for the way he loved others. That was the tribute they paid to this young man who life was taken before anyone dreamed possible.<br />It got me thinking about my own life. It is not uncommon for people to think and wonder, or even pose the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">question</span>: what do you want people to remember you for? But this is the first time it has stayed with me for awhile and hopefully made a lasting change. I thought about what I would be remembered for. I got scared that if I died right now I'd be remembered for my diligence. I'm very good at being diligent when it comes to habits. From the time I was a young teenager until the day I got married, I wrote in my journal EVERY SINGLE DAY. I didn't miss a day for over 5 years. Not a single day. I also read my scripture EVERY SINGLE DAY during the time. It didn't matter if I was going to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, it didn't matter if I was sleeping somewhere else, I did it. That same trait has followed into my marriage and my family. John and I read scriptures and pray together. We do family prayers and scripture study as a family, as well as <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">FHE</span>. I can't say that it has been every single day, but we are pretty <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">consistent</span>.<br />I'm not knocking those things. I know there is great power in scripture study and prayer. I know blessings come when those things are done individually, as a couple, and as a family. I know those things are important. But as I've pondered this young man's death and my own life, I've had some personal insights. The purpose in life is not to get all those boxes checked off. When I die and go to heaven, God isn't going to pull out my chart and see how many days I missed. These things are not an end in themselves. Checking those boxes off each day are meant to pull us closer toward a greater purpose. We do these things for a reason. What is the why behind all the boxes I try meticulously to check off? <br />To be like Christ. That is what really matters. We read our scriptures and say our prayers and do all those things we are told to do so that we as individuals and as families will think, act, and BE like the Savior. And the chief characteristic of the Savior is love. Pure, unconditional love. What good does it do me to check off my boxes each day if I fail to love those around me? Really love them. Actively love them. Reach out to them without concern for myself. <br />Diligence or Charity? I want charity. When my time on this earth is done, I want to be remembered for loving people. I want to be remembered as someone who made you feel loved and valued and important. It is too easy for me to get distracted by all the boxes I feel I need to check off. <br />God has said that if we will turn to him, He can make our weaknesses into strengths. This is an area where I am weak. But I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">desperately</span> want to change. I don't want this to be a nice idea that passes through my mind before the week is through. I want my nature to seriously be changed. I want to be filled with charity. I want it not to be something I do, but something that I am.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-33193605715004912512011-07-31T12:49:00.000-07:002011-07-31T13:32:58.319-07:0010 years of blissMy husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. There is little else in this world that can bring you greater joy or greater despair than marriage. I always say to my husband, "When things are good between us, everything is okay in the world." When we are close to each other, it doesn't matter what comes our way, we feel like everything will be okay and we can get through anything. But when we aren't close, when there is tension, or hurt feelings (mostly on my part :) it clouds the rest of our worlds. Tiny problems can throw us into bad moods, we are dissatisfied with life and other people...you get the picture. <br />Our marriage is not perfect. There are definitely those times when we struggle to understand each other. But we have made tremendous progress in our journey through the last ten years. When we were engaged, I'm sure we were like most couples. We thought we had marriage all figured out, we thought there was little else to learn about each other, we thought that there would be little difficulties in our marriage. In essence, we were naive in our presumptions. <br />I had no idea how marriage would open my mind to every single weakness I have. Some of them are big. Some of them are small. Some have had serious impacts on our marriage while others barely scratch the surface. And I'll be forever grateful for the enlightenment. How in the world can I work to overcome my weaknesses if my eyes are blind to them? So many qualities I thought I had mastered...patience, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, good communication....through marriage, it wasn't hard to see that my work in those areas was far from done. Some people say that marriage can be a real eye-opener. I agree. My marriage has truly opened my eyes as to who I really am.<br />And I've learned more about who my husband really is. I knew he possessed patience, determination, forgiveness, commitment, etc. I just didn't know how deeply those traits ran. I didn't know how often the quality of our marriage would depend on his ability to exercise those qualities. I didn't realize to the full extent what an amazing man I was marrying. And how could I? Did I know what was in store for us as we started our lives together? Did I know all the challenges and joys we would face together? I had no idea. Neither of us did. And we could hypothesize all we wanted about how we would behave in situations...but neither of us truly knew how we would act. We knew how we'd want to behave, but that didn't mean it would all play out like we hoped. Neither of us knew the strength we possessed until we were forced to use it.<br />I love my husband. I thank God every day that I get to share my life with him. I am so grateful that he is always in my corner. He sees my weaknesses up close and personal-more than anyone else on this earth-and he still loves me. He helps me and encourages me to be better. He is honest with me even if the truth is not what I'm looking to hear. He has stood by me through dark and trying times. He has carried me when I was crippled with despair. He is the keeper of my most private thoughts. He is gentle and tender when wading through my insecurities. He is thoughtful and kind. He is steady and calm when I'm crashing around. He is my partner in the greatest work we will ever do, raising our children. He is supportive of all my endeavors whether they be building furniture, fulfilling my church callings, creating family traditions, teaching our children, or strengthening myself. He has forgiven me for repeated offenses. He knows that I am a work in progress. I would not be who I am without him by my side.<br />Yesterday we were talking about how easy it is to get distracted from what is most important in life. I pray that I will never be distracted from loving you, from appreciating you, from enjoying your company. I love you Babe. Thank you for your love and all the ways that you have made me better.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-17762603252679607172011-07-29T14:19:00.000-07:002011-07-31T14:16:33.239-07:00Lessons in Letting GoI feel like I'm on the verge of something. These past few weeks, I find myself crying alot. And sometimes I don't really know why. I had a really embarrassing meltdown the other day in front of my mom, sister, and brother. I could not stop crying. I couldn't talk or I knew I'd burst into hysterical sobs. So I attempted to distract myself, cleaning the toy room, while tears wouldn't stop falling down my face. Needless to say, I was mortified. My poor brother...I think I seriously scared him. One minute we're having a nice discussion, and the next minute his sister can't stop crying. It was fun.<br />I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.<br />I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-11091747341962037662011-07-03T12:17:00.000-07:002011-07-03T12:52:03.925-07:00I give unto men weakness...Sometimes I get to a point in life where I think I'm doing pretty good. I think I'm learning to be afraid of those times. Because what it really signifies is the calm before the storm. These times usually come after I've felt like I've accomplished some work in my journey to perfection. But really, it is just a little act of mercy from God so I can gear up for more lessons in humility.<br /><br />Last night, I attempted to talk to someone about behaviors I disagreed with. It didn't go so well. I didn't want to even bring anything up because I already knew that my heart wasn't in a good place. I wasn't filled with charity or compassion or understanding. I was filled with all those other emotions it pains me to admit. I was filled with resentment, anger....all those fun ones. I knew that my heart was in the wrong. I knew it. And yet I felt like I was getting nowhere in trying to change it.<br /><br />Events happened, things were said, and I ended up sitting on the floor in my dark bathroom with tears running down my face. I felt awful about myself. I knew that I was making judgments about this person, I wanted to be filled with good feelings in my heart, it pained me to know that I had hurt this person's feelings...but my heart remained unchanged.<br /><br />I'm trying to understand myself better. My husband talked with me about how out of character it was for me to be so harsh in my judgments with this particular person. For the most part, I tend to fall on the other side of the fence, I try to gain understanding and give them a break. So it pains me so much to see this in myself. To know that my heart is in the wrong. And to be unable to change it. I keep trying to grasp at things that will help me. What can I do? What are the actions and behaviors I can modify in order to modify my hard heart?<br /><br />I've been noticing some patterns in my life. I have a fear of making other people feel bad. I also, surprisingly considering what has been written so far, have a desire not to judge others (I know that sounds like complete hypocrisy). So most of the time, if I disagree with what people are doing, I'm too chicken to say anything at the time being because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So what do I do? Instead I take the much better approach of harboring all those thoughts and feelings, letting them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore, and then I proceed to vomit this huge load of negativity on the person. So in my attempt to not hurt <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">someone's</span> feelings, I end up being much more hurtful than if I'd just be honest with people in the moment. I know. I'm super proud of myself. Why can't I just make a simple comment instead of building everything up into this huge ordeal. I've learned enough about myself to know that things have to come out. I don't even care so much if the other person ends up agreeing with me, but if I don't know that they have heard my viewpoint and know how their behavior makes me feel, I CANNOT GET OVER IT!<br /><br />I so do not enjoy these times when I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. But I have to fight not to go down that road. It is the cowardly thing to wallow in my misery and self-pity. That is what I wanted to do last night. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave my room and go back out to face the people out there. Because I am so ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my pride. I am ashamed with how far away my heart is from where it should be. I am ashamed of my weaknesses.<br /><br />But I knew I had to do go out there. I bit my lip, dried my eyes, prayed deeply for courage, and walked down the hall. I apologized. I allowed them to respond to me and agreed as they called out my shortcomings. And then I put on my happy face for the night (although I did whisper to my husband that once everyone left I'd probably have a meltdown).<br /><br />It is hard sometimes. I feel like my mind is in the right place. As hard as I try to feel otherwise, I think my thoughts about this person's behavior are right. But that doesn't mean anything if my heart is not where it should be. My heart is wrong. Hopefully it will change as I continue to seek that change the next few days.<br /><br />I am grateful though. The person with whom I share this experience has a good heart. He is willing to forgive me. He is willing to be understanding. He is willing to continue to work with me on improving the way we communicate with each other. He has strengths to compensate for my weaknesses.<br /><br />Wish me luck as I struggle to not abandon myself to self-loathing and pursue the path of change instead.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-58253967885071269372011-05-31T19:50:00.000-07:002011-05-31T20:10:27.498-07:00BlessedLately I've been filled with gratitude for all the blessings of God in my life. When it comes down to it, love is what life is all about. We need to be loved and we need the opportunity to love others. I love my husband, and he loves me. We have been through some tough times together. There are ups and downs to our relationship. There have been times when it hurt because I loved him so much. There have also been some dark days, days where we clung to the hope that we'd find a way back to each other. And we did. He has been there in the best of times and the worst of times. He's got my back. He might not always know the best way to cushion my fall, but he tries his hardest and falling continues to be less and less painful. He is strong, reliable, funny, amazing, selfless, and steady. I love him. He has become a part of me. <br />And then there are my kids. They wrap their little arms around my neck and won't let go. They snuggle onto my lap as much as possible. They hold my face in their pudgy hands to tell me they love me. They forgive me when I falter. They think the best thing in the world is "Special Time" when they get me all to themselves. I love them so much. My love for them has changed me. It has strengthened me and led me to be a better person. My love for them pushes me to heights I never knew I could reach.<br />It doesn't end there. I have a mother who is the best example for me. She always made me feel special growing up. She threw me parties and celebrated my birthday every year even though it was 2 days after Christmas. She stayed up and waited for me to get back from dates. She sacrificed pretty much everything for her kids. She brought joy into my life and I didn't appreciate it as much as I could have. She gives ME mother's day presents. She is amazing. And my dad. My dad was always there. Recording, filming, supporting... He comes over every Saturday to bring my kids donuts. He lets me come over with my whole brood, and the dog, and sleep over :) You know, my mom was always the one more in the foreground when it came to being there for me. But my dad...he was there right behind her ready to catch me should it be needed. I love my dad.<br />I also have great siblings. I love my sisters and brothers so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I talk to my sisters on the phone all the time, and when they come to visit, everything else is put on hold so we can just hang out with each other. They are always supportive of me and uplifting. I love them. I love my brothers too. I love spending time with them. I love how sweet they are to my kids. I love my brothers and sisters.<br />I could keep going. It just seems like everyday I've been crying because something reminds me of how blessed I am to have so much love in my life and in my heart. Nothing really else matters.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-80321884532844982642011-05-31T19:27:00.001-07:002011-05-31T19:50:46.181-07:00DiligenceMy 8 year old son has been preparing for his baptism. Several months ago, he was asked to come up with 3 goals for school. One of the things he chose was to read the Book of Mormon before his baptism. This was a pretty ambitious goal since it is about 530 pages and he'd read way under 100. He tried to read at least 1 chapter every night, but it didn't always happen. About 4 months ago, I told him he needed to make a decision. If he was going to reach his goal, he'd need to start reading 2 chapters a day. I tried to be as uninfluential as I could about it. He thought for less than a minute and said he still wanted to do it. And he wanted to read a bunch of chapters right then and there. About 2 months ago, I realized that he didn't know how to accomplish this goal unless I provided the structure for it. I went to a website, typed in his current spot and his target end date, and printed it out. He'd need to read about 6 pages each day. I wouldn't have been surprised had he decided to change his mind at that point....he didn't. He was determined. He finished yesterday, 2 days ahead of schedule.<br />When it comes to religion and my kids, I am sometimes torn. I want to teach them about sin and its consequences. But I'm also hesitant sometimes about how I'm influencing them in their choices. They are at an age where they like to please me. They want me to be pleased with them. I worry about them making religious and moral decisions, not because they know it is the right thing to do, but because they think it will make me happy. I don't want that. I want them to feel the Holy Spirit working within them. I want them to make good choices for the right reasons. My brother thinks that my son read it because I'm molding him. I really don't know if that is the case though. I didn't want him to do it to make me happy, I didn't want him to do it so everyone would think I'm a great mother, I didn't want him to do it if HE didn't want it. <br />But he did. He truly wanted to do it. To me, that is a testament of its truthfulness. Why else would a child be so determined and diligent? I know that he could feel the Holy Spirit testify to him as he read. Last night when he came down to announce that he was done, his face was filled with joy. He wanted to call everyone and tell them. The first thing he said when he woke up this morning was, "Remember how I finished the Book of Mormon?"<br />This was a good experience for me. I had to make his goal a priority in order for him to accomplish it. Almost every morning, we'd put school on the back burner while we read a chapter together. I had committed with a group of women to read the Book of Mormon by the end of April. I had to make the decision to put that goal aside and help Carston instead. I didn't want to push him to do it, but I realized he could not accomplish it on his own if I didn't offer support.<br />I hope that this experience has served to strengthen his testimony. I hope that he will continue to study his scriptures and gain the strength that God knows he needs. I feel so blessed to know that God can always guide me as I try my best to help my kids in the ways that they need.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-29419719490857468992011-05-14T10:51:00.001-07:002011-05-14T11:10:04.893-07:00ResolutionI have been filled with unkind feelings lately toward a certain company we've been trying to work with. I've been frustrated, flabbergasted, angry, upset, annoyed, sad, etc. I did not like this company one bit. I was so torn with what we should do and how we should proceed. A couple nights ago we got some more upsetting news and I ended up staying up until the wee hours of the morning trying to calm myself down so I could sleep. The next day, I told John I needed to go to the temple. Driving over there that evening, we just about got into a stupid argument. I knew that it was the adversary trying to prevent me from being in the right spirit. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the answers I was seeking if I went in there upset with John. I prayed my guts out that in the remaining five minutes before we arrived, our issue could be resolved. It was. We have never started down one of those discussions and had it end so quickly. I knew that was a little miracle from God and I was so thankful for it. <br />As I sat in the session, I kept praying to know what we should do. Should we continue to work with this company or should we pull out? I kept getting the answer that we should keep working with them. Even though I knew that was the road we should take, I still didn't WANT to do it. I was filled with anger and bitterness toward them, and the thought of completing this project with them seriously made me sick to my stomach. So then I spent the next part of the session asking Heavenly Father to please change my heart so that I would not have these feelings and I'd be able to work with them and do what needed to be done with a peaceful heart. <br />I was surprised with how Heavenly Father helped me have that change of heart. The last time we went to the temple, I could feel the spirit of our next child. It was a very emotional experience and helped me with some things relating to my feelings about having another child. Because of how my pregnancies go, as well as all the things I have going on, I feel like it is best for us to be settled in a new home before I get pregnant again. As I sat in the temple yesterday struggling with my feelings for this company and my desire to work with them in building a home, I felt such a strong impression about having this baby. What was more important? The issues we had with this company? Or being able to bring this child into our family? Heavenly Father let me know that this child was waiting and ready to come down, and bringing this child into our home was more important than anything happening with this company. There probably isn't any other thing that Heavenly Father could have used that would have been powerful enough for me to let my negative emotions go so I could move forward and be at peace with this company. Just like that, my heart was changed. Where it had been filled with anger and resentment and bitterness jush an hour before, it was now filled with peace and understanding. That is a miracle to me. <br />I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and the temple. This was a problem in my life where taking a lot of time to work things out wasn't possible. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him, seeking the help and answers I need, and if I accept them (even if I don't like them), He will help me align my heart with His.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-53140673373012899472011-04-10T12:11:00.000-07:002011-04-10T12:47:45.156-07:00You Are Not AloneThis has pretty much become my journal, so here is what I feel I've learned more about his week :) I had a prompting several weeks ago to write a couple of letters to some teenagers I knew. I didn't do it. It wasn't intentional, but I kept forgetting and life would be busy. Last week I found out that some events had occured and these two kids found themselves in some pretty challenging circumstances. Needless to say, I didn't put it off any longer. It took some effort to get them to the kids, but I wrote them and had them delivered. It immediately opened up a line of communication with one of the girls. I've spent time this last week offering her whatever love and support I can. There is nothing I can do to change their circumstances. I don't have the answers about what choices they should make. I can't tell them what the right thing to do is. I can't give them a magic formula to make everything all better. I can't even give them a hug. But I can let them know that they are not alone. Yesterday I was making cookies and had the strong thought that I should send a text asking this girl how she was doing. I'd learned my lesson and so I acted without delay. It turns out that at that exact moment she was feeling incredibly alone and forgotten. I don't think the timing of that text was a coincidence. As I look back through my life, I can think of so many times where my heart went out to people because of their struggles, and yet I felt like there was nothing I could do....and so that is exactly what I did-nothing. But I am realizing more and more the important work we can do in those situations. When we help someone remember that they are not alone, that they have not been forgotten in their trials, we are doing the Lord's work. At some point, they will know because of small and simple acts of love, that God has not left them alone. He has not forgotten them. One night when I was talking to this girl, I felt impressed to push her to turn to God. She was hesitant. She wondered is He even cared about her, if He would even want to have anything to do with her. As I kept testifying that God loved her, she asked me how I could even know that. I knew it because I was there for her right then, right at the time when she needed it. It was not just luck that she had someone to talk to. God knew the trials she would soon be facing and had prompted me to write her a letter. That letter led to a door being opened. That open door allowed me to show her love and compassion at the time when she needed it most. Those events are not insignificant. Sometimes when people are struggling through trials, the only thing we can do-and the thing most needed-is to let them know that they are not alone. We show them that God is aware of them when we show that we are aware of them. We show them that God does not leave them alone when we refuse to leave them to suffer alone. I remember when my mom was going through a very difficult time. There wasn't anything anyone could do to fix the challenges she was going through. Do you know what she remembers about that time? Someone left flowers for her at work. It had nothing to do with her trial, but it was a testament to her that she was not alone, that she was not forgotten. It was a testament that God loved her and was aware of her. There are several people right now in my life who are struggling with some difficult challenges. Ones that I can't magically disappear. I've found myself mourning and being weighed down. I've wondered how it must feel for President Monson who is much more aware of the difficulties faced by many more people. But I realize that I can do something. If I can help people simply feel like they are not alone, if I can help them know that the Savior is there for them....what can be more important or significant than that?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-68285212875270831572011-04-05T12:37:00.000-07:002011-04-05T12:45:35.726-07:00StagnantI am antsy. We have been planning and preparing for a huge change in our lives. All the planning is pretty much wrapped up and now we are on to the waiting period. I hate it. I've never been a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">procrastinator</span>, unlike my husband who has mad procrastination skills. I was the one who had book reports finished a week ahead of schedule, read the entire book for English by the second class, made sure I finished reading challenges at least two weeks before the deadline...you get the picture. Whenever there is a deadline to be programmed into my brain, I convert it before processing. I make it earlier. So now I'm in a pickle. I've been feeling slightly blue. Because I've moved on. I'm done and ready. I don't want to wait. I hate being stagnant. But there's nothing I can do about it. I need something else to occupy my mind.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-38409450803731025772011-03-31T13:56:00.000-07:002011-03-31T14:22:40.516-07:00Sacrifices worth makingWhen I was pregnant with our 4<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> child, I felt this incessant desire to know if this would be our last child. My husband couldn't understand the crazy seeking-especially since number 4 wasn't even born yet. But I had to know. Pregnancy is hard on me just like it is many women. It is hard physically. I spend the first 5 months nearly <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">incapacitated</span> as I struggle to get through each day. I usually lose weight the first few months because I can't eat anything other than cheerios, saltines, and ginger ale. Water makes me vomit. Brushing my teeth makes me vomit. Getting out of bed in the morning makes me vomit. Getting off the couch makes me vomit. Driving in the car makes me vomit. You get the picture. And it doesn't go away after 5 months, just eases up a little. Add to that the sleepless nights, the heartburn, the inability to move without involuntarily moaning. But the physical difficulties are nothing compared to the mental and emotional struggles pregnancy can bring. 3 out of 4 pregnancies have brought depression. Some were more mild, but one was especially frightening. It was a very dark time. And while I can predict and anticipate what physical ailments will come, I can't predict just how much it will affect me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that is the part that scares me the most. When I was pregnant with our first child, everything was so exciting. I remember smiling the first time I told my husband I felt nauseous. It was amazing to see what my body was capable of. Times have changed. While it is still amazing and exciting to know that a life is growing inside of you, you know too well what to expect. I know how awful it will be. I know how my body will struggle as strives to carry a child. And with more children depending on me, I know that there will be no ''taking it easy." I can't shut down for nine months and make pregnancy my only focus. Maybe that is why I felt such a need to know. Anyway, I had a very sacred experience where I gained the knowledge that number 4 was not our last child. I knew number 5 was also waiting to come to our family. So here we are. All of our other children are either 2 years or 18 months apart. My "baby" is now 2, and the next one is nowhere in sight. I've been dreading it. I've been dreading pregnancy and all the expected and unexpected difficulties. I've been trying to figure out when the best time for me to be out of commission would be. Guess what? There is no "Best Time." Between building a house and moving this summer, and adjusting to homeschooling an extra child in the fall....I'm at a loss. I've just been feeling such anxiety about the whole situation. Until this week. We went to the temple. I definitely had it on my mind and was able to have such a special experience. I was able to feel the spirit of this child that was waiting to come down, I was able to remember that every sacrifice I would have to make would be worth it, and I was able to feel God's love for me and his approval of the things I was willing to go through to bring this child to our family. I feel better. I still don't know exactly when the time will be right, and I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but I know that everything will work out. I know that God is aware of me, that He knows how to direct my life, and that He will be there with me every step of the way. So number 5...you are SO worth it and I can't wait to meet you.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-65192866653485746092011-03-30T19:49:00.000-07:002011-03-30T20:21:36.408-07:00Progress is here...even if it be small :)I feel like I have made progress. I read parts of the book <em>The Feeling Good Handbook</em>. It has sections about overcoming depression, anxiety, etc. But the sections I read were on communication. It is definitely the most helpful thing I've ever read on the subject. It doesn't just tell you how you should communicate, it discusses reasons why you fight against it, what you gain from it, and step by step teaches you how. It forces you to examine your own communication and where you are lacking. Obviously the communication I'm trying to improve is that with my husband. I have an amazing husband. I really do. We love each other. We support each other. He comes home from a bad day at work, sees that I've had a rough day, and his desire to give me a break is stronger than his desire to give himself a break. He always offers me the last of his fries or shake. He has been stood by my side as I've waded through sorrow. I love him. And he loves me. But from the beginning, our ability to feel intimate with each other through our communication has never been our strength. I think I've always felt like the problem resided with him. If I'm being honest with myself. And that right there is why I think it hasn't improved much in the almost 10 years since we've been married. 10 years. That is a LONG time. I think maybe that is why I've felt such a strong push and desire to change this. Hitting the 10 year mark in your marriage can be both comforting and scary. Comforting because "Hey! You Made It! You are still married!" And scary because thinking of the weaknesses in your marriage you think, "Crap! You Made It! You are still Here!" I do NOT want this to be our marital weakness for the rest of our marriage. I don't. Enough is enough and it is time to change it. And that is precisely why I feel like it will actually happen. Instead of wanting and waiting my husband to change, I'm willing to change myself in order to change this aspect of our marriage. One of the things that really stuck with me from my reading was this: YOU HAVE TO LOSE TO WIN. I have to lose in my idea of how to change things in order to win the greater intimacy I'm trying to get. It has been so easy for me to get lost in the smaller conflicts and not realize that giving in would give me what I really wanted. Instead of pushing and pushing, what I really need to do was pull. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just feel like I was pushing and pushing my husband for better communication, and the only thing I was really accomplishing was pushing him away. This book truly made me see my weaknesses in communicating that repel intimacy. That might be because I was in a good mindset, I was willing to look at myself. I'm so glad I did. Another thing I've learned is that I can handle some disappointment from my spouse. If he is disappointed that I feel a certain way, or that I said something...IT DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN"T LOVE ME. I was laying there one night after talking with him and trying to use the tools I'd been reading about. And the tools worked. He opened up about some sensitive things that were hard to share. I was so pleased with that. And yet, some of the things made me feel bad. I was laying there wallowing in sorrow and feeling rejected when I had an epiphany. I WAS STRONG. I could handle this. If getting the intimacy I wanted with my spouse required some pain, bring it on. I was strong enough to handle a little rejection or a little hurt feelings. It didn't mean he didn't love me. I was jumping to those insane conclusions and by so doing, encouraging him not to share himself with me. Anyway, this is all a bit random. And maybe it is a little too personal. But I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget what I've learned. I don't want to forget the things I've learned about how to change myself in order to change my marriage. And that was one of the things I loved from this book. Everything I learned, it showed how one person changing will change both people involved. It showed how changing your negative communication skills will automatically change the other person's. I can do this. I have to power to obtain the strength in our marriage, as long as I let go of my smaller desire to do it "my way."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-75203188209519401072011-03-22T14:52:00.000-07:002011-03-22T15:50:14.437-07:00To ProgressI'm trying to sort things out in my mind. Why do relationships have to be so complicated. Whoever said that love was not enough was right. No matter how much you love someone, there is always an amount of difficult learning required to make things work. You can love someone and not know what they need from you when they are sad. You can love someone and not know how to share your thoughts and feelings with them. You can love someone and not know how to hear what they feel when they are talking. You can love someone and still not behave in a manner that allows them to trust you.<br /><br />In high school, I subconsciously prided myself on my communication abilities. As I'm finding out, they are actually quite poor when it comes down to it. Let's take a look at all my failings:<br /><br />1. Put-downs: I use put-downs. I never thought I did because I don't really participate in name-calling. But every so often, when it comes to certain things, I use phrases like, "You never..." and "You always..." Sometimes out loud and sometimes in my mind. Those are put downs. They put people down into a negative place and keep them there forever in your mind.<br /><br />2. Hopelessness: I give up and insist there is no point in trying. I don't often find myself here, but nevertheless, there are definitely times with certain subjects where I feel hopeless. I find myself feeling like things will never be different and the only productive thing I can do is surrender to that fact.<br /><br />3. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Demandingness</span>: I feel entitled to better treatment but refuse to ask for what I want in a direct, straightforward way. This one is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">something</span> I do more frequently I think. I relate more to the not asking part. I don't know that I feel entitled, but I definitely desire things and don't always ask.<br /><br />4. Passive <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Aggression</span>: I withdraw or say nothing. While I've made progress with this one, it is still a frequent foe. Sometimes I can literally feel myself shutting down. At times I feel like I couldn't say something even if my children's lives depended on it. Not so good.<br /><br />5. Self-Blame: Instead of dealing with the problem, I act like I'm an awful, terrible person. A few years ago, I saw this pattern in myself. I would withdraw and then turn everything on myself in order to not be hurt or angry with the other person. Maybe I'm trying to cut the other person out completely because they are beyond my control. I don't know. I do know though that it doesn't help address the issue. It only makes it worse. Not only do I have the original problem, but now I also feel extremely awful about myself.<br /><br /><br /><br />It is so frustrating for me to love someone, have something I want to discuss, and then have everything just end up worse. I have found myself just not wanting to bring things up that matter to me. And that scares me. I'm scared that I will just build up all these negative feelings and explode one day. I see people who have been married for years, and then they just walk away from each other. That scares me. And so, I'm working to improve my communication. Maybe I'll make progress, maybe I won't. But the odds are against me if I don't even try right?<br /><br />Some of the things that have stuck with me:<br />1. Bad Communication is not expressing feelings openly and not acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Therefore good communication really just boils down to expressing your feelings openly and acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Why does it sound so easy and yet it is so hard to implement?<br />2. Whatever you do, DO NOT CONTRADICT the other person.<br />3. When people don't ask me questions about my feelings and why I have them, I feel like that is a projection of their lack of love and interest in me. Subsequently, if people don't share their thoughts and feelings with me, I feel like that portrays a lack of love or interest in me.<br />4. If someone is frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset with me, it does not mean that they don't love me. It just means that they are frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset.<br />5. When someone tells me something that is not pleasant, find a part of it I can agree with. It will help them know I am listening and understanding. It will help stop me from being defensive.<br />6. I need to validate the other person's thought and feelings. This doesn't mean that I agree, but it lets them know that I am understanding how they are thinking and feeling.<br />7. Make <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">inquires</span>. Ask questions. This will prevent me from leaping to my own conclusions (which are always the worst possible <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">scenario</span>). This encourages them to share their thoughts and feelings. The most powerful (and also scariest) inquiries involve questions about how I have hurt them and what things I've done.<br />8. Use "I feel" statements. This will help keep me from blaming statements and put downs. Words I can use: angry, criticized, put-down, frustrated, coerced, misunderstood, sad, rejected, hurt, unloved, disappointed, ignored, intimidated, attacked, inadequate. <br />9. It is important to express my wishes and desires. This goes right along with not asking for what I want. <br />10. Most importantly, in the heat of the moment and all the emotions, I need to find a way to still express how much I care for the other person. Otherwise, they might feel rejected and unloved.<br /><br /><br />These are all things I've heard and read about before. But when I tried to reconstruct a conversation using them, it made me realize how much work I have ahead of me. However, this is something I really want to change about myself. I feel like it really inhibits my ability to be close to people. I don't know that I really want the world to know my weaknesses, but there is power for me in writing things down. I might want to do certain things, but until I've written them somewhere I don't feel fully <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">committed</span> or accountable for progress. So this post is dedicated to progress.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-40540289679382682882011-02-19T10:24:00.000-08:002011-02-19T10:25:46.587-08:00Purpose of Life Quote"People ask me, what is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes for my life?"<br /><br />-Rick WarrenUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-63715867018290854052011-02-18T08:55:00.000-08:002011-02-18T09:08:36.441-08:00InsignificantCan I just say that I continue to be amazed with the simple way that God opens doors. He is so aware of each one of us. He guides us to do <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">seemingly</span> insignificant things in order to break down people's walls and show them His love, give them the help and comfort they are seeking, and bless their lives.<br /><br />There is a young woman who has struggled with activity. She has little to mostly no support when it comes to church. She came to camp last year and had a great <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">experience</span>, and we all loved getting to know her and see what a sweet girl she is. I'd seen a few posts from her <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">facebook</span> the last few weeks where I didn't really understand what she was talking about. She ended up coming to our <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">YW</span> activity this past week. In passing, I asked her about the posts. That simple, relatively conversational question led to her breaking down, opening up about some difficult struggles she's going through, lots of hugs, other girls reaching out to her, late night texts about her desire to be strong in the gospel, etc. <br /><br />A quick perusal of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">YW</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">facebook</span> posts and a simple question...and a door was opened. God is there. Most of the work He needs us to do will seem small and insignificant, but it will be those simple things that accomplish His desire of bringing people closer to Him. It will be those simple things that result in prayers being answered. It will be those little things that let us see the hand of God working among His children.<br /><br />"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-1839022072043176462011-02-07T12:51:00.001-08:002011-02-07T12:54:32.633-08:00Quote"Remember that you are entitled to our Father's blessings in this work. He did not call you to your <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">privileged</span> post to walk alone, without guidance, trusting to luck. On the contrary, He knows your skill, He realizes your devotion, and He will convert your supposed inadequacies to recognized strengths. He has promised: 'I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.'"<br />-President Thomas S. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Monson</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-33483483059435263332011-01-30T21:05:00.001-08:002011-01-30T22:26:44.795-08:00Following the PromptingIn the last post, I wrote about a prompting I'd recieved. I had an impression to compile quotes and send one to my brother each day. I just wanted to say that I'm doing it. I've thought about doing it several times over the last few years but I was always more concerned I guess with how he would react. This time, I just decided that I loved him more than I cared about how he felt for me. If I offend him, if he gets angry with me, if he feels like I'm judging him....I can live with those. What I can't live with would be the regret that I did not do all I could to help him find the joy and peace that I so long to see him have in his life. So, it has begun. I started around the first of the year. I don't know what the results will be. A few times he has replied that he likes a particular one, but other than that I don't even know if it has any impact on him. But I feel at peace. I don't know what the outcome of it will be, but I do know that I'm doing what the Lord wants me to do.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-13513491461311478352010-11-15T15:48:00.000-08:002011-01-30T22:57:44.538-08:00God knoweth what things ye have need of even before you askIn my patriarchal blessing, it told me to memorize 2 chapters of scripture. A few years ago I finally memorized the first one, and amazing things happened as a result. About a month ago, I kept getting the feeling that I should memorize the second chapter: Hebrews 11. And so it began. For a few weeks, I used the time set aside for scripture study to memorize the chapter. It is an interesting chapter. It is a chapter about faith. For the first little while, I memorized verses about Moses, Abraham, Enoch, etc. Mighty, prominent men in the scriptures who worked miracles and great events through their faith. And then one day, I came to a verse near the end. The first half of the verse continued the theme of miracles being performed through faith, but halfway through, it took a drastic turn. It started talking about people who were tortured, stoned, sawn asunder, etc. It spoke of all these people who were severely afflicted, and yet stayed true to their faith in God. Each day as I read or spoke that verse aloud, it brought tears to my eyes, maybe it was the juxtoposition with the other men and women spoken of earlier in the chapter. Needless to say, I thought about it alot. I wondered why these verses of sorrow and trial were connected so closely to the other examples. I came to the conclusion that these people, "of whom the world was not worthy' were pillars and examples of faith just as powerfully as Moses, Abraham, Enoch, and all the others were. Here were people who had sore trials and sorrows heaped upon them, who by any of the world's standards, should "curse God and die." And yet they remained faithful. They did not let their tribulations rob them of their trust in God. As I studied and memorized this chapter, it was a powerful experience.<br /><br />A few weeks after I finished memorizing it, I found out something that broke my heart. A good friend of mine from my high school days has been experiencing what seems to be an endless supply of tribulation. Three years ago, her son was born with a heart defect that required an almost immediate transplant. But even after that, he has continued to spend most of his life in the hospital with strange illnesses and life-threatening diseases that leave doctors puzzled. She keeps a blog so that family and friends can be easily informed of the latest happenings with her son....whether they are still in the hospital, or if they've gone home until the next time (which is never too far away). Her husband is in medical school and they live far away from family. <br /><br />She was 7 months pregnant, and she wrote a post that broke everyone's heart. She found out she has thyroid cancer. Here is a modern day example of someone the world would look at and say, "Curse God and die." Because of her son's transplant, there are people all over the world that are aware of her and everything that she's going through. Several of them made comments to the extent that they can't believe this is happening. Hasn't she been through enough already. So off she went, getting surgery, crossing her fingers her son wouldn't require hospitilization while she recovered, wondering what the outcome will be of all the testing, hoping both her baby and herself will survive the surgery, wondering how much the cancer can grow in the two months before she can get treatment.....You can see how people would look at her and think, "Enough already! Give the poor girl a break." <br /><br />My heart broke for her. This was the girl who was always quick to smile, my running partner and therefore confidant of all things cruch-related. Never did either of us imagine that this was what awaited her. As I thought of her and prayed for her, my thoughts kept returning to the scriptures I had just memorized. Because of all the experiences with her son, there were people all over the country who knew of her, who followed her life through her blog, and who know waited anxiously to see the outcome of this new development. And she did not stumble. She held on to her faith. She stood as a witness that no matter what, she would trust in the Lord. No matter what. <br /><br />As I pondered about her circumstances and these scriptures, I kept feeling a desire to send her a message. And so I did. She responded. She talked about how my message and thoughts were something that she needed to hear, and said that they had helped her. I knew that I had been an instrument of the Lord in giving her a message of love. I was in awe of how the Lord had prepared me so that I could do it. Weeks before either of us knew this was coming, He prompted me to study and memorize these scriptures I'd put off for years. I didn't know that He'd need me to use it to bless her life. But I'm so glad I followed that prompting. I'm so glad that the Lord was aware, that he knew in advance, exactly how to succor this sweet daughter of his as she struggled under tribulations that many thought would be too much to bear.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-38650317345629707692010-11-07T15:34:00.000-08:002010-11-07T15:56:41.710-08:00Answering My Own PrayersI have someone in my life that I love, someone who has struggled for several years, someone who is unable to fulfill their dreams because of choices they've made, someone who might have given up hope on themselves, someone whose life is more often filled with sorrow than joy. About a year ago, something happened that left me bawling all night. I've shed many tears for this person over the years because of everything they've been through, but this night was different. My heart ached so badly for them, for all that they were missing in life, all that they'd suffered, all that they had given up. I made a commitment that night. I knew that God was the only one with the ability to work a miracle in this person's life, and I resolved that I would petition Him and pull down His power in this person's behalf in any means available to me. I have been praying and fasting on a daily and weekly basis. I try to be specific in my pleadings rather than simply asking God to bless them. A few weeks ago, I started asking God to surround this person with people of good influence who would pull them back to God. This was the thing that I felt would be most powerful at this point in the person's life. I didn't think much of it when a certain idea kept coming to my mind. This specific idea had filtered through a few times before, but I had never <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">committed</span> to it, maybe out of fear or maybe out of doubt. But this time, I made a decision that I was going to act on this impression that kept pressing upon me. It would take a lot of preparation, it would involve a form of directness that had always resulted in bad results previously, and I was more than a little scared to carry it out, but I was <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">committed</span>. I felt really good after making the decision and knew that it was something God wanted <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">me</span> to do. A few days later as I was reiterating my plea that people of good influence would come into this person's life and pull them back to God, my heart froze with a spiritual realization. It was me. I was the person I had been praying for.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-91280043473809163172010-09-13T14:40:00.001-07:002010-09-14T20:26:12.482-07:00My Newest EpiphanyLately I've just felt myself being overtaken with negativity. I've felt negative about the things I need to do for church, negative about the things I need to keep my house up and running, negative about my marriage, negative about myself, NEGATIVE. I was furtively praying and trying to stop myself, correct myself, but it all seemed to no avail. One morning, I woke up and thought to myself, "I don't want to get out of bed. What's waiting for me...give the girls a bath, do all three of their hair, shower, get dressed and do my hair, the dishes need to be done, John is going to watch the football game for four hours, I should vacuum, I need to write those letters that have been haunting my mind for the last month, I don't even know what I'll make for dinner,etc...." Seriously, I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel like there was going to be anything in my day that I'd enjoy doing. Isn't that awful? I thought it was awful. I knew this was the path I'd been going down, so I wasn't surprised to find myself here. But I didn't WANT to be here. I didn't want to be missing all the joy in my life. I didn't want to be a complainer and a whiner. I didn't want to be so ungrateful. But as much as I didn't want all those things, I didn't know how to fix it. I could get up and fake it, put a big smile on my face and infuse the day with false cheerfulness, and no one else would be the wiser (I'm an excellent actress as long as no one is filming). But I'd feel exactly the same inside, wake up the next day feeling the same, and have to start the charade again. I didn't know what to do. But, I did get out of bed. After a lecture from my husband, I decided to slow things down that morning. I let the girls play long in the bathtub while I read an uplifting book. I let the dishes sit in the sink a little longer. I kind of let life unfold in what seemed like slow motion. And it was a little better. But I knew that rock in my heart was still there. That night, we had a church meeting to attend. It wasn't exactly where I wanted to be, but knew we should go. When the second speaker began by asking how many of us were feeling joy in our life, my heart tuned in. It was a great talk about how we can choose to just live a mundane life or how we can find the joy in it. I took notes and went home with a stronger desire to stop feeling how I was. But still, I had no concrete way of accomplishing it. The next day was Sunday. I fasted and prayed a lot that day that God would help me. And I feel like I got an answer. A little over two years ago, there was a week where two major things happened. First, I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child (my others were 4, 2, and about 10 months old). Second, I got called to oversee the young women (12-18 years) in our church. This would involve lots of meetings and teaching on Sunday, as well as an additional activity each week. It would involve a week in the summer spent at camp. It would mean planning, preparing, and executing all these things. It also meant an emotional load as I carried the responsibility for the well-being of these girls. This meant prayers, notes, late night phone conversations, birthday treats, etc. It was a big job to accept. Anyway, since that time, I have felt this overwhelming pressure to organize my time, to not waste it, to be so careful so that I could accomplish all that was asked of me. Seconds, not minutes, have become precious to me. In order to get it all done, I feel like I always have to be mindful. There is always a running list of tasks in my head and I'm constantly figuring out how I can possibly do it all. Then I started homeschooling my second grader for the majority of school. I know, I seem crazy! But it was one of those things where I knew it was right, and if so, God would provide the way.<br /><br />You get the picture. Gone are the days of boredom and wondering what to do. And all of these things that I'm doing are good. I chose these things. I chose to be a mother. I chose to have 4 children close together. I chose to accept the task of caring for the young women in the ward. I chose to <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">homeschool</span>. I wanted to do all these things. But suddenly I found myself resentful of the things I had chosen, the things I knew I wanted to do. That bothered me. I knew if I was able to go back and do it all again, I would make the same choices. But something wasn't right. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in the "tasks". I lost myself in the "task" of running my home, instead of finding joy in serving the people in my home. I lost myself in the "task" of the young women, instead of finding joy in serving the sweet, beautiful girls. I lost myself in the "task" of marriage, instead of finding joy in spending my life with a man I love. I lost myself in the "task" of homeschooling, instead of finding joy in teaching my child.<br /><br />My life hasn't changed. The dishes still need to be done. Dinner will still have to materialize. I still have meetings and activities and things to do with the young women. I still have schoolwork to complete each day with my son. Those things haven't changed. But I have found the answer to HOW to get out of my negative state. I need to go back to the people, how much I love them, and remember why I WANT to do the things I do. I'm excited about that. It is something I can hold onto.<br /><br />This morning, life was crazy. We wanted to go to the library, but we had schoolwork, and jobs, and books to find... I found myself getting negative, feeling upset. But I stopped. I thought to myself, "Whatever. If we don't get to the library today, whatever." And it worked. I chilled out and quit stressing, put the baby down for a nap, and cleaned my house and did my tasks with a happy heart. It was wonderful.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-87372669309672238712010-09-03T13:59:00.000-07:002010-09-03T14:15:51.590-07:00Bubble Bath...Last night I was getting in the bath, wishing once again that I had some bubble bath. Everytime I take a bath, I think the same thing. This has been going on for well over a year. Why, you might ask, don't I buy myself some bubble bath? Last night, I finally asked myself the same question. I go to the store all the time, I am the one primarily responsible for keeping our house stocked, why in the world did I not have bubble bath? It only took a moment for the ridiculous excuse to come to light. A long time ago, on a dark and chilly night, I got into the bath and thought to myself how much nicer this bath would be if only there was bubble bath. Maybe, I thought, someone will buy me some for my birthday or Christmas or Mother's Day, or some other holiday. And so, here I am, a year later, waiting for the inspiration to strike one of my beloved family members to buy me bubble bath. Meanwhile, each time I take a bath I lament the absense of the sweet smelling bubbles. <br /><br />Does that not just sound absolutely ridiculous? Dang woman! Stop waiting around for someone to do it and go out and get what you want!<br /><br />But the worst part, is that I find myself doing that with things far more important than bubble bath. I find myself doing that with love, with relationships, with dreams, with goals. I find myself wanting things to be different, and yet I do nothing but sit and wait for someone else to make it happen. I am responsible for myself. I have the power to make things happen. It is time to stop waiting for inspiration to strike someone else, and do what I can to change things. <br /><br />Let's just hope that I still know how to do that.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-48210234803561352232010-08-31T21:20:00.000-07:002010-09-03T13:59:49.823-07:00Finding the HolyAwhile ago, I read something about how motherhood is holy. The first presidency said, "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind." As each of my children have entered the world, I've felt that holiness. There are few things holier than holding a spirit who has just entered the world. I've felt it at other times too. It might be a night when all my children are sleeping and I go to kiss them goodnight. Sometimes I feel it when my children are overflowing with love for me. There are definitely a lot of times I've felt that being a mother is a holy service. Until a few months ago though, all those times were related to times when mothering was peaceful, easy, sweet, etc. When my children were happy, calm, and loving. But this thing I read really made me think. What about all the times when things were hard? What about the times when my 3 year old is throwing a massive tantrum? What about the times when she doesn't want to go to nursery? What about the times when my 7 year old is whining and complaining about insignificant stuff? What about the times when I have to go fulfill my church responsibilities and I have 4 children running out the door crying because mommy is leaving? What about the times when my kids don't want to eat their dinner? What about the times when I'm getting up for the 10<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> time in the middle of the night? What about the times when my 5 year old doesn't want to go to dance class? What about the times when I think I'm going to go crazy if I see another dirty dish or load of laundry? What about the times when I'm trying to pay bills or accomplish some other task only to have a 1 year old climbing all over me and throwing paper and envelopes all over the floor? You get the picture. There are a lot of times when mothering is hard. There are a lot of times when as a mother, you don't know what to do. There are a lot of times when mothering stretches you way past what you thought were your limits.<br /><br /><br />"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind." Did this only apply to the easy times, the times where it was easy for anyone around to feel the holiness that can be a part of motherhood? Or was there holiness to be found in every second of motherhood? Was there holiness lurking in tantrums, in messes, in disciplining, in mistakes and bad choices? I thought about this a lot. First, it was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">simple</span> pondering, and then it turned into asking, and then it turned into seeking. I found myself uttering over and over a simple prayer of "Help me find the holiness" when I had a child in a meltdown, when I felt like I had zero patience left in dealing with a tired, whiny child, when I felt overwhelmed in maintaining our home. And I can now say with all the conviction in my being that there is holiness in those moments. Maybe even more holiness than the moments that instantly come to mind when we think of motherhood being holy. But what I've learned is that it only presents itself when I'm seeking for it, and responding in a way that allows it to come to light.<br /><br />"Help me find the holiness." Can I just say how much that simple plea has changed me? I am a different mother. I can't give you a big life-changing experience that happened with my children as a result of this. But motherhood is not about the large events. It is about the details. The other day, I was taking my three year old to nursery. She was tired. She didn't want to go by herself. I was supposed to go to my class. I told her she could come with me, but reminded her there wouldn't be any toys, etc. She didn't want to go to class with me. She didn't want to stay in nursery. She didn't want to leave nursery. She wanted what she couldn't have: she wanted me to stay in nursery with her. And after a few minutes of this going on, my 20 month old was starting to follow her lead. I was trying everything I could think of, nothing was working, and I was getting frustrated. I found myself instinctively asking, "Help me find the holiness." Immediately, immediately my whole attitude, feelings, thoughts, everything, changed. I changed. Nothing changed with my tired, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">insatiable</span> 3 year old. She didn't suddenly decide to stay and be happy about it. She was in the exact same place. But I wasn't. I had changed. I knelt down with her <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">filled</span> with love instead of frustration, and reminded her of all the things she liked in nursery. And THEN she changed. She went right in and didn't even look back. <br /><br />Like I said, it was a simple experience. But it felt like the final straw on the heap of evidence that made me realize the answer is yes. There is holiness in those moments. And if I seek God's help, I can find it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-34243122073158540412010-05-05T13:15:00.000-07:002010-05-05T13:47:14.184-07:00To SaveTo Save:<br />* to salvage: save from ruin, destruction, or harm<br />* to bring into safety<br />* to deliver: save from sins<br />*to spare/refrain from harming<br /><br /><br />Last night I lay in bed with my mind whirling. Just before bed I was reading a book that made me reflect on how much our lives can be changed and altered by negative experiences in our past, oftentimes experiences that were entirely out of our control or at the control of someone else. As I say my prayers each night, the people in need of prayers is lengthy. A girl who lacks the affections of attentive mature parents. A girl with good parents that just aren't around enough to let their good influence be felt. A woman struggling in the depths of depression. Kids who come to church and sit in the foyer each week because their parents are inactive. Girls who were sexually abused and suffer with ramifications of their worth. Boys and men who have lost themselves to addictions they can't conquer. Grown men who have lost confidence because they've lost jobs or wives. Children suffering from the divorce or desertion of their parents. People grieving the loss of a loved one. Teenagers who feel overwhelmingly alone. There are so many people suffering. At times like last night, it is overwhelming. I think to myself, "How can it be done? How can all these people ever be saved? How can the overcome all the effects of negative situations or actions? How can they be whole again?" Last night I wept as these thoughts and these people were running through my mind. But as I lay there, the Spirit bore witness to my heart that it CAN be done. They could be saved. Through our Savior, Jesus Christ. I don't think that title of Savior has ever gripped me before as it did last night. Not only does Christ through His atonement have the power to save us from physical death, but He has the power to save us from our burdens, to save us from the effects of sins, whether they be our own sins or the sins of others. For so many of our sufferings, the world offers little hope in the way of saving. The world merely offers hope that we'll be able to cope well. But the Savior offers to save us, from everything. His atonement gave Him the power and ability to do just that. He said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour, and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28)." It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that all of us can be saved from all of this, by something so simple as coming unto Him. But I know it is true. I know that more than anything else, He is our Savior.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476399064041921882.post-33032920794975682502010-04-11T20:19:00.001-07:002010-04-12T06:47:28.737-07:00Small and Simple Things"Behold I say unto you that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6)<br /><br />I had a special experience today that touched my heart. Over the last month or so, my mind was continually drawn to one of my Laurels. This was a girl who I thought the world of. She has an amzing personality, good sense of humor, awesome talents, beautiful, etc. But as I watched her the past month, I sensed that there was something going on behind the scenes. There were times I'd look at her face, and I saw the darkness I've felt at different times in my life reflecting back at me. It felt like one of those times spoken of in a blessing, where the depression I'd experienced would give me the empathy to help someone else suffering through it. After awhile, I felt a strong prompting that I needed to write her a letter. I'm 28 years old, and you'd think I'd be more mature, but I was scared. I get scared butting into other people's private lives, but my calling has been good in pushing me to do things even though I might be scared. So I sat down and wrote her a long letter. I told her what I suspected, shared experiences, told her how amazing and special she was, and that if I was wrong, she could just write it off as a crazy example that Sister Roberts loved her. I also attached a great talk by President Benson: Do Not Despair. It has great suggestions on how to cope with depression. Anyway, I was so nervous to give it to her, but I did. She didn't say anything to me about it, and I didn't feel prompted to bring it up. I had no idea how she took it. Well today, I heard from her. She wrote,<br /><br />"I don't think you realize how very right you are. In the letter you mentioned that the Lord sends us angels to help us. You are my angel. I remember when you were first called to be the YW president that I had this feeling that you were going to be really important. As time went on, I couldn't help but notice our many, many similarities. Then, reading your letter, it all became very clear. God put us into each other's lives for a reason. For years I have been so confused as to why I couldn't just be happy like everyone else, like I used to be. Part of me know all along what it was, but I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to be able to put a name on it, because that makes it seem more powerful, more permanent. But I know that you're right.... Reading and hearing your testimony and seeing your strength now gives me hope that I have never found in anything else....Now that I've finally accepted what I'm up against, it's been a lot easier to try and do something about it. Even in these few short weeks there has been a difference, however small."<br /><br />As I read this, I was so touched. Heavenly Father loves this daughter so much. He knew her situation, when most everyone around her was blind to it, and He opened my eyes, that I might minister to her in the most simple of ways. As I've thought about it, I've pondered about the fact that I could have easily shrugged off my promptings to reach out to this girl. I could have easily chickened out and tried something else I was more comfortable with. And what a tragedy that would have been. I don't think we realize how big of an impact simple kindnesses towards others can have. I am so grateful that I followed the promptings, and hope that I always can. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us. He knows what we have need of. He does send angels into our lives to strengthen and comfort us. And most of the time, those angels are the people walking among us. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who can lead and guide me and magnify my efforts that I might be His servant and do His word.<br /><br />Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought...for which we will praise his name forever” (<a class="scriptureRef" onclick="newWindow('http://scriptures.lds.org/alma/26//12#12')" href="http://scriptures.lds.org/alma/26/12#12" target="contentWindow">Alma 26:12</a>).Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2