Blessed

Lately I've been filled with gratitude for all the blessings of God in my life. When it comes down to it, love is what life is all about. We need to be loved and we need the opportunity to love others. I love my husband, and he loves me. We have been through some tough times together. There are ups and downs to our relationship. There have been times when it hurt because I loved him so much. There have also been some dark days, days where we clung to the hope that we'd find a way back to each other. And we did. He has been there in the best of times and the worst of times. He's got my back. He might not always know the best way to cushion my fall, but he tries his hardest and falling continues to be less and less painful. He is strong, reliable, funny, amazing, selfless, and steady. I love him. He has become a part of me.
And then there are my kids. They wrap their little arms around my neck and won't let go. They snuggle onto my lap as much as possible. They hold my face in their pudgy hands to tell me they love me. They forgive me when I falter. They think the best thing in the world is "Special Time" when they get me all to themselves. I love them so much. My love for them has changed me. It has strengthened me and led me to be a better person. My love for them pushes me to heights I never knew I could reach.
It doesn't end there. I have a mother who is the best example for me. She always made me feel special growing up. She threw me parties and celebrated my birthday every year even though it was 2 days after Christmas. She stayed up and waited for me to get back from dates. She sacrificed pretty much everything for her kids. She brought joy into my life and I didn't appreciate it as much as I could have. She gives ME mother's day presents. She is amazing. And my dad. My dad was always there. Recording, filming, supporting... He comes over every Saturday to bring my kids donuts. He lets me come over with my whole brood, and the dog, and sleep over :) You know, my mom was always the one more in the foreground when it came to being there for me. But my dad...he was there right behind her ready to catch me should it be needed. I love my dad.
I also have great siblings. I love my sisters and brothers so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I talk to my sisters on the phone all the time, and when they come to visit, everything else is put on hold so we can just hang out with each other. They are always supportive of me and uplifting. I love them. I love my brothers too. I love spending time with them. I love how sweet they are to my kids. I love my brothers and sisters.
I could keep going. It just seems like everyday I've been crying because something reminds me of how blessed I am to have so much love in my life and in my heart. Nothing really else matters.

Diligence

My 8 year old son has been preparing for his baptism. Several months ago, he was asked to come up with 3 goals for school. One of the things he chose was to read the Book of Mormon before his baptism. This was a pretty ambitious goal since it is about 530 pages and he'd read way under 100. He tried to read at least 1 chapter every night, but it didn't always happen. About 4 months ago, I told him he needed to make a decision. If he was going to reach his goal, he'd need to start reading 2 chapters a day. I tried to be as uninfluential as I could about it. He thought for less than a minute and said he still wanted to do it. And he wanted to read a bunch of chapters right then and there. About 2 months ago, I realized that he didn't know how to accomplish this goal unless I provided the structure for it. I went to a website, typed in his current spot and his target end date, and printed it out. He'd need to read about 6 pages each day. I wouldn't have been surprised had he decided to change his mind at that point....he didn't. He was determined. He finished yesterday, 2 days ahead of schedule.
When it comes to religion and my kids, I am sometimes torn. I want to teach them about sin and its consequences. But I'm also hesitant sometimes about how I'm influencing them in their choices. They are at an age where they like to please me. They want me to be pleased with them. I worry about them making religious and moral decisions, not because they know it is the right thing to do, but because they think it will make me happy. I don't want that. I want them to feel the Holy Spirit working within them. I want them to make good choices for the right reasons. My brother thinks that my son read it because I'm molding him. I really don't know if that is the case though. I didn't want him to do it to make me happy, I didn't want him to do it so everyone would think I'm a great mother, I didn't want him to do it if HE didn't want it.
But he did. He truly wanted to do it. To me, that is a testament of its truthfulness. Why else would a child be so determined and diligent? I know that he could feel the Holy Spirit testify to him as he read. Last night when he came down to announce that he was done, his face was filled with joy. He wanted to call everyone and tell them. The first thing he said when he woke up this morning was, "Remember how I finished the Book of Mormon?"
This was a good experience for me. I had to make his goal a priority in order for him to accomplish it. Almost every morning, we'd put school on the back burner while we read a chapter together. I had committed with a group of women to read the Book of Mormon by the end of April. I had to make the decision to put that goal aside and help Carston instead. I didn't want to push him to do it, but I realized he could not accomplish it on his own if I didn't offer support.
I hope that this experience has served to strengthen his testimony. I hope that he will continue to study his scriptures and gain the strength that God knows he needs. I feel so blessed to know that God can always guide me as I try my best to help my kids in the ways that they need.

Resolution

I have been filled with unkind feelings lately toward a certain company we've been trying to work with. I've been frustrated, flabbergasted, angry, upset, annoyed, sad, etc. I did not like this company one bit. I was so torn with what we should do and how we should proceed. A couple nights ago we got some more upsetting news and I ended up staying up until the wee hours of the morning trying to calm myself down so I could sleep. The next day, I told John I needed to go to the temple. Driving over there that evening, we just about got into a stupid argument. I knew that it was the adversary trying to prevent me from being in the right spirit. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the answers I was seeking if I went in there upset with John. I prayed my guts out that in the remaining five minutes before we arrived, our issue could be resolved. It was. We have never started down one of those discussions and had it end so quickly. I knew that was a little miracle from God and I was so thankful for it.
As I sat in the session, I kept praying to know what we should do. Should we continue to work with this company or should we pull out? I kept getting the answer that we should keep working with them. Even though I knew that was the road we should take, I still didn't WANT to do it. I was filled with anger and bitterness toward them, and the thought of completing this project with them seriously made me sick to my stomach. So then I spent the next part of the session asking Heavenly Father to please change my heart so that I would not have these feelings and I'd be able to work with them and do what needed to be done with a peaceful heart.
I was surprised with how Heavenly Father helped me have that change of heart. The last time we went to the temple, I could feel the spirit of our next child. It was a very emotional experience and helped me with some things relating to my feelings about having another child. Because of how my pregnancies go, as well as all the things I have going on, I feel like it is best for us to be settled in a new home before I get pregnant again. As I sat in the temple yesterday struggling with my feelings for this company and my desire to work with them in building a home, I felt such a strong impression about having this baby. What was more important? The issues we had with this company? Or being able to bring this child into our family? Heavenly Father let me know that this child was waiting and ready to come down, and bringing this child into our home was more important than anything happening with this company. There probably isn't any other thing that Heavenly Father could have used that would have been powerful enough for me to let my negative emotions go so I could move forward and be at peace with this company. Just like that, my heart was changed. Where it had been filled with anger and resentment and bitterness jush an hour before, it was now filled with peace and understanding. That is a miracle to me.
I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and the temple. This was a problem in my life where taking a lot of time to work things out wasn't possible. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him, seeking the help and answers I need, and if I accept them (even if I don't like them), He will help me align my heart with His.

You Are Not Alone

This has pretty much become my journal, so here is what I feel I've learned more about his week :) I had a prompting several weeks ago to write a couple of letters to some teenagers I knew. I didn't do it. It wasn't intentional, but I kept forgetting and life would be busy. Last week I found out that some events had occured and these two kids found themselves in some pretty challenging circumstances. Needless to say, I didn't put it off any longer. It took some effort to get them to the kids, but I wrote them and had them delivered. It immediately opened up a line of communication with one of the girls. I've spent time this last week offering her whatever love and support I can. There is nothing I can do to change their circumstances. I don't have the answers about what choices they should make. I can't tell them what the right thing to do is. I can't give them a magic formula to make everything all better. I can't even give them a hug. But I can let them know that they are not alone. Yesterday I was making cookies and had the strong thought that I should send a text asking this girl how she was doing. I'd learned my lesson and so I acted without delay. It turns out that at that exact moment she was feeling incredibly alone and forgotten. I don't think the timing of that text was a coincidence. As I look back through my life, I can think of so many times where my heart went out to people because of their struggles, and yet I felt like there was nothing I could do....and so that is exactly what I did-nothing. But I am realizing more and more the important work we can do in those situations. When we help someone remember that they are not alone, that they have not been forgotten in their trials, we are doing the Lord's work. At some point, they will know because of small and simple acts of love, that God has not left them alone. He has not forgotten them. One night when I was talking to this girl, I felt impressed to push her to turn to God. She was hesitant. She wondered is He even cared about her, if He would even want to have anything to do with her. As I kept testifying that God loved her, she asked me how I could even know that. I knew it because I was there for her right then, right at the time when she needed it. It was not just luck that she had someone to talk to. God knew the trials she would soon be facing and had prompted me to write her a letter. That letter led to a door being opened. That open door allowed me to show her love and compassion at the time when she needed it most. Those events are not insignificant. Sometimes when people are struggling through trials, the only thing we can do-and the thing most needed-is to let them know that they are not alone. We show them that God is aware of them when we show that we are aware of them. We show them that God does not leave them alone when we refuse to leave them to suffer alone. I remember when my mom was going through a very difficult time. There wasn't anything anyone could do to fix the challenges she was going through. Do you know what she remembers about that time? Someone left flowers for her at work. It had nothing to do with her trial, but it was a testament to her that she was not alone, that she was not forgotten. It was a testament that God loved her and was aware of her. There are several people right now in my life who are struggling with some difficult challenges. Ones that I can't magically disappear. I've found myself mourning and being weighed down. I've wondered how it must feel for President Monson who is much more aware of the difficulties faced by many more people. But I realize that I can do something. If I can help people simply feel like they are not alone, if I can help them know that the Savior is there for them....what can be more important or significant than that?

Stagnant

I am antsy. We have been planning and preparing for a huge change in our lives. All the planning is pretty much wrapped up and now we are on to the waiting period. I hate it. I've never been a procrastinator, unlike my husband who has mad procrastination skills. I was the one who had book reports finished a week ahead of schedule, read the entire book for English by the second class, made sure I finished reading challenges at least two weeks before the deadline...you get the picture. Whenever there is a deadline to be programmed into my brain, I convert it before processing. I make it earlier. So now I'm in a pickle. I've been feeling slightly blue. Because I've moved on. I'm done and ready. I don't want to wait. I hate being stagnant. But there's nothing I can do about it. I need something else to occupy my mind.

Sacrifices worth making

When I was pregnant with our 4th child, I felt this incessant desire to know if this would be our last child. My husband couldn't understand the crazy seeking-especially since number 4 wasn't even born yet. But I had to know. Pregnancy is hard on me just like it is many women. It is hard physically. I spend the first 5 months nearly incapacitated as I struggle to get through each day. I usually lose weight the first few months because I can't eat anything other than cheerios, saltines, and ginger ale. Water makes me vomit. Brushing my teeth makes me vomit. Getting out of bed in the morning makes me vomit. Getting off the couch makes me vomit. Driving in the car makes me vomit. You get the picture. And it doesn't go away after 5 months, just eases up a little. Add to that the sleepless nights, the heartburn, the inability to move without involuntarily moaning. But the physical difficulties are nothing compared to the mental and emotional struggles pregnancy can bring. 3 out of 4 pregnancies have brought depression. Some were more mild, but one was especially frightening. It was a very dark time. And while I can predict and anticipate what physical ailments will come, I can't predict just how much it will affect me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that is the part that scares me the most. When I was pregnant with our first child, everything was so exciting. I remember smiling the first time I told my husband I felt nauseous. It was amazing to see what my body was capable of. Times have changed. While it is still amazing and exciting to know that a life is growing inside of you, you know too well what to expect. I know how awful it will be. I know how my body will struggle as strives to carry a child. And with more children depending on me, I know that there will be no ''taking it easy." I can't shut down for nine months and make pregnancy my only focus. Maybe that is why I felt such a need to know. Anyway, I had a very sacred experience where I gained the knowledge that number 4 was not our last child. I knew number 5 was also waiting to come to our family. So here we are. All of our other children are either 2 years or 18 months apart. My "baby" is now 2, and the next one is nowhere in sight. I've been dreading it. I've been dreading pregnancy and all the expected and unexpected difficulties. I've been trying to figure out when the best time for me to be out of commission would be. Guess what? There is no "Best Time." Between building a house and moving this summer, and adjusting to homeschooling an extra child in the fall....I'm at a loss. I've just been feeling such anxiety about the whole situation. Until this week. We went to the temple. I definitely had it on my mind and was able to have such a special experience. I was able to feel the spirit of this child that was waiting to come down, I was able to remember that every sacrifice I would have to make would be worth it, and I was able to feel God's love for me and his approval of the things I was willing to go through to bring this child to our family. I feel better. I still don't know exactly when the time will be right, and I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but I know that everything will work out. I know that God is aware of me, that He knows how to direct my life, and that He will be there with me every step of the way. So number 5...you are SO worth it and I can't wait to meet you.

Progress is here...even if it be small :)

I feel like I have made progress. I read parts of the book The Feeling Good Handbook. It has sections about overcoming depression, anxiety, etc. But the sections I read were on communication. It is definitely the most helpful thing I've ever read on the subject. It doesn't just tell you how you should communicate, it discusses reasons why you fight against it, what you gain from it, and step by step teaches you how. It forces you to examine your own communication and where you are lacking. Obviously the communication I'm trying to improve is that with my husband. I have an amazing husband. I really do. We love each other. We support each other. He comes home from a bad day at work, sees that I've had a rough day, and his desire to give me a break is stronger than his desire to give himself a break. He always offers me the last of his fries or shake. He has been stood by my side as I've waded through sorrow. I love him. And he loves me. But from the beginning, our ability to feel intimate with each other through our communication has never been our strength. I think I've always felt like the problem resided with him. If I'm being honest with myself. And that right there is why I think it hasn't improved much in the almost 10 years since we've been married. 10 years. That is a LONG time. I think maybe that is why I've felt such a strong push and desire to change this. Hitting the 10 year mark in your marriage can be both comforting and scary. Comforting because "Hey! You Made It! You are still married!" And scary because thinking of the weaknesses in your marriage you think, "Crap! You Made It! You are still Here!" I do NOT want this to be our marital weakness for the rest of our marriage. I don't. Enough is enough and it is time to change it. And that is precisely why I feel like it will actually happen. Instead of wanting and waiting my husband to change, I'm willing to change myself in order to change this aspect of our marriage. One of the things that really stuck with me from my reading was this: YOU HAVE TO LOSE TO WIN. I have to lose in my idea of how to change things in order to win the greater intimacy I'm trying to get. It has been so easy for me to get lost in the smaller conflicts and not realize that giving in would give me what I really wanted. Instead of pushing and pushing, what I really need to do was pull. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just feel like I was pushing and pushing my husband for better communication, and the only thing I was really accomplishing was pushing him away. This book truly made me see my weaknesses in communicating that repel intimacy. That might be because I was in a good mindset, I was willing to look at myself. I'm so glad I did. Another thing I've learned is that I can handle some disappointment from my spouse. If he is disappointed that I feel a certain way, or that I said something...IT DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN"T LOVE ME. I was laying there one night after talking with him and trying to use the tools I'd been reading about. And the tools worked. He opened up about some sensitive things that were hard to share. I was so pleased with that. And yet, some of the things made me feel bad. I was laying there wallowing in sorrow and feeling rejected when I had an epiphany. I WAS STRONG. I could handle this. If getting the intimacy I wanted with my spouse required some pain, bring it on. I was strong enough to handle a little rejection or a little hurt feelings. It didn't mean he didn't love me. I was jumping to those insane conclusions and by so doing, encouraging him not to share himself with me. Anyway, this is all a bit random. And maybe it is a little too personal. But I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget what I've learned. I don't want to forget the things I've learned about how to change myself in order to change my marriage. And that was one of the things I loved from this book. Everything I learned, it showed how one person changing will change both people involved. It showed how changing your negative communication skills will automatically change the other person's. I can do this. I have to power to obtain the strength in our marriage, as long as I let go of my smaller desire to do it "my way."