Progress is here...even if it be small :)

I feel like I have made progress. I read parts of the book The Feeling Good Handbook. It has sections about overcoming depression, anxiety, etc. But the sections I read were on communication. It is definitely the most helpful thing I've ever read on the subject. It doesn't just tell you how you should communicate, it discusses reasons why you fight against it, what you gain from it, and step by step teaches you how. It forces you to examine your own communication and where you are lacking. Obviously the communication I'm trying to improve is that with my husband. I have an amazing husband. I really do. We love each other. We support each other. He comes home from a bad day at work, sees that I've had a rough day, and his desire to give me a break is stronger than his desire to give himself a break. He always offers me the last of his fries or shake. He has been stood by my side as I've waded through sorrow. I love him. And he loves me. But from the beginning, our ability to feel intimate with each other through our communication has never been our strength. I think I've always felt like the problem resided with him. If I'm being honest with myself. And that right there is why I think it hasn't improved much in the almost 10 years since we've been married. 10 years. That is a LONG time. I think maybe that is why I've felt such a strong push and desire to change this. Hitting the 10 year mark in your marriage can be both comforting and scary. Comforting because "Hey! You Made It! You are still married!" And scary because thinking of the weaknesses in your marriage you think, "Crap! You Made It! You are still Here!" I do NOT want this to be our marital weakness for the rest of our marriage. I don't. Enough is enough and it is time to change it. And that is precisely why I feel like it will actually happen. Instead of wanting and waiting my husband to change, I'm willing to change myself in order to change this aspect of our marriage. One of the things that really stuck with me from my reading was this: YOU HAVE TO LOSE TO WIN. I have to lose in my idea of how to change things in order to win the greater intimacy I'm trying to get. It has been so easy for me to get lost in the smaller conflicts and not realize that giving in would give me what I really wanted. Instead of pushing and pushing, what I really need to do was pull. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just feel like I was pushing and pushing my husband for better communication, and the only thing I was really accomplishing was pushing him away. This book truly made me see my weaknesses in communicating that repel intimacy. That might be because I was in a good mindset, I was willing to look at myself. I'm so glad I did. Another thing I've learned is that I can handle some disappointment from my spouse. If he is disappointed that I feel a certain way, or that I said something...IT DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN"T LOVE ME. I was laying there one night after talking with him and trying to use the tools I'd been reading about. And the tools worked. He opened up about some sensitive things that were hard to share. I was so pleased with that. And yet, some of the things made me feel bad. I was laying there wallowing in sorrow and feeling rejected when I had an epiphany. I WAS STRONG. I could handle this. If getting the intimacy I wanted with my spouse required some pain, bring it on. I was strong enough to handle a little rejection or a little hurt feelings. It didn't mean he didn't love me. I was jumping to those insane conclusions and by so doing, encouraging him not to share himself with me. Anyway, this is all a bit random. And maybe it is a little too personal. But I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget what I've learned. I don't want to forget the things I've learned about how to change myself in order to change my marriage. And that was one of the things I loved from this book. Everything I learned, it showed how one person changing will change both people involved. It showed how changing your negative communication skills will automatically change the other person's. I can do this. I have to power to obtain the strength in our marriage, as long as I let go of my smaller desire to do it "my way."