Sacrifices worth making

When I was pregnant with our 4th child, I felt this incessant desire to know if this would be our last child. My husband couldn't understand the crazy seeking-especially since number 4 wasn't even born yet. But I had to know. Pregnancy is hard on me just like it is many women. It is hard physically. I spend the first 5 months nearly incapacitated as I struggle to get through each day. I usually lose weight the first few months because I can't eat anything other than cheerios, saltines, and ginger ale. Water makes me vomit. Brushing my teeth makes me vomit. Getting out of bed in the morning makes me vomit. Getting off the couch makes me vomit. Driving in the car makes me vomit. You get the picture. And it doesn't go away after 5 months, just eases up a little. Add to that the sleepless nights, the heartburn, the inability to move without involuntarily moaning. But the physical difficulties are nothing compared to the mental and emotional struggles pregnancy can bring. 3 out of 4 pregnancies have brought depression. Some were more mild, but one was especially frightening. It was a very dark time. And while I can predict and anticipate what physical ailments will come, I can't predict just how much it will affect me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that is the part that scares me the most. When I was pregnant with our first child, everything was so exciting. I remember smiling the first time I told my husband I felt nauseous. It was amazing to see what my body was capable of. Times have changed. While it is still amazing and exciting to know that a life is growing inside of you, you know too well what to expect. I know how awful it will be. I know how my body will struggle as strives to carry a child. And with more children depending on me, I know that there will be no ''taking it easy." I can't shut down for nine months and make pregnancy my only focus. Maybe that is why I felt such a need to know. Anyway, I had a very sacred experience where I gained the knowledge that number 4 was not our last child. I knew number 5 was also waiting to come to our family. So here we are. All of our other children are either 2 years or 18 months apart. My "baby" is now 2, and the next one is nowhere in sight. I've been dreading it. I've been dreading pregnancy and all the expected and unexpected difficulties. I've been trying to figure out when the best time for me to be out of commission would be. Guess what? There is no "Best Time." Between building a house and moving this summer, and adjusting to homeschooling an extra child in the fall....I'm at a loss. I've just been feeling such anxiety about the whole situation. Until this week. We went to the temple. I definitely had it on my mind and was able to have such a special experience. I was able to feel the spirit of this child that was waiting to come down, I was able to remember that every sacrifice I would have to make would be worth it, and I was able to feel God's love for me and his approval of the things I was willing to go through to bring this child to our family. I feel better. I still don't know exactly when the time will be right, and I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but I know that everything will work out. I know that God is aware of me, that He knows how to direct my life, and that He will be there with me every step of the way. So number 5...you are SO worth it and I can't wait to meet you.