My husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. There is little else in this world that can bring you greater joy or greater despair than marriage. I always say to my husband, "When things are good between us, everything is okay in the world." When we are close to each other, it doesn't matter what comes our way, we feel like everything will be okay and we can get through anything. But when we aren't close, when there is tension, or hurt feelings (mostly on my part :) it clouds the rest of our worlds. Tiny problems can throw us into bad moods, we are dissatisfied with life and other people...you get the picture.
Our marriage is not perfect. There are definitely those times when we struggle to understand each other. But we have made tremendous progress in our journey through the last ten years. When we were engaged, I'm sure we were like most couples. We thought we had marriage all figured out, we thought there was little else to learn about each other, we thought that there would be little difficulties in our marriage. In essence, we were naive in our presumptions.
I had no idea how marriage would open my mind to every single weakness I have. Some of them are big. Some of them are small. Some have had serious impacts on our marriage while others barely scratch the surface. And I'll be forever grateful for the enlightenment. How in the world can I work to overcome my weaknesses if my eyes are blind to them? So many qualities I thought I had mastered...patience, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, good communication....through marriage, it wasn't hard to see that my work in those areas was far from done. Some people say that marriage can be a real eye-opener. I agree. My marriage has truly opened my eyes as to who I really am.
And I've learned more about who my husband really is. I knew he possessed patience, determination, forgiveness, commitment, etc. I just didn't know how deeply those traits ran. I didn't know how often the quality of our marriage would depend on his ability to exercise those qualities. I didn't realize to the full extent what an amazing man I was marrying. And how could I? Did I know what was in store for us as we started our lives together? Did I know all the challenges and joys we would face together? I had no idea. Neither of us did. And we could hypothesize all we wanted about how we would behave in situations...but neither of us truly knew how we would act. We knew how we'd want to behave, but that didn't mean it would all play out like we hoped. Neither of us knew the strength we possessed until we were forced to use it.
I love my husband. I thank God every day that I get to share my life with him. I am so grateful that he is always in my corner. He sees my weaknesses up close and personal-more than anyone else on this earth-and he still loves me. He helps me and encourages me to be better. He is honest with me even if the truth is not what I'm looking to hear. He has stood by me through dark and trying times. He has carried me when I was crippled with despair. He is the keeper of my most private thoughts. He is gentle and tender when wading through my insecurities. He is thoughtful and kind. He is steady and calm when I'm crashing around. He is my partner in the greatest work we will ever do, raising our children. He is supportive of all my endeavors whether they be building furniture, fulfilling my church callings, creating family traditions, teaching our children, or strengthening myself. He has forgiven me for repeated offenses. He knows that I am a work in progress. I would not be who I am without him by my side.
Yesterday we were talking about how easy it is to get distracted from what is most important in life. I pray that I will never be distracted from loving you, from appreciating you, from enjoying your company. I love you Babe. Thank you for your love and all the ways that you have made me better.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Lessons in Letting Go
I feel like I'm on the verge of something. These past few weeks, I find myself crying alot. And sometimes I don't really know why. I had a really embarrassing meltdown the other day in front of my mom, sister, and brother. I could not stop crying. I couldn't talk or I knew I'd burst into hysterical sobs. So I attempted to distract myself, cleaning the toy room, while tears wouldn't stop falling down my face. Needless to say, I was mortified. My poor brother...I think I seriously scared him. One minute we're having a nice discussion, and the next minute his sister can't stop crying. It was fun.
I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.
I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)
I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.
I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I give unto men weakness...
Sometimes I get to a point in life where I think I'm doing pretty good. I think I'm learning to be afraid of those times. Because what it really signifies is the calm before the storm. These times usually come after I've felt like I've accomplished some work in my journey to perfection. But really, it is just a little act of mercy from God so I can gear up for more lessons in humility.
Last night, I attempted to talk to someone about behaviors I disagreed with. It didn't go so well. I didn't want to even bring anything up because I already knew that my heart wasn't in a good place. I wasn't filled with charity or compassion or understanding. I was filled with all those other emotions it pains me to admit. I was filled with resentment, anger....all those fun ones. I knew that my heart was in the wrong. I knew it. And yet I felt like I was getting nowhere in trying to change it.
Events happened, things were said, and I ended up sitting on the floor in my dark bathroom with tears running down my face. I felt awful about myself. I knew that I was making judgments about this person, I wanted to be filled with good feelings in my heart, it pained me to know that I had hurt this person's feelings...but my heart remained unchanged.
I'm trying to understand myself better. My husband talked with me about how out of character it was for me to be so harsh in my judgments with this particular person. For the most part, I tend to fall on the other side of the fence, I try to gain understanding and give them a break. So it pains me so much to see this in myself. To know that my heart is in the wrong. And to be unable to change it. I keep trying to grasp at things that will help me. What can I do? What are the actions and behaviors I can modify in order to modify my hard heart?
I've been noticing some patterns in my life. I have a fear of making other people feel bad. I also, surprisingly considering what has been written so far, have a desire not to judge others (I know that sounds like complete hypocrisy). So most of the time, if I disagree with what people are doing, I'm too chicken to say anything at the time being because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So what do I do? Instead I take the much better approach of harboring all those thoughts and feelings, letting them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore, and then I proceed to vomit this huge load of negativity on the person. So in my attempt to not hurt someone's feelings, I end up being much more hurtful than if I'd just be honest with people in the moment. I know. I'm super proud of myself. Why can't I just make a simple comment instead of building everything up into this huge ordeal. I've learned enough about myself to know that things have to come out. I don't even care so much if the other person ends up agreeing with me, but if I don't know that they have heard my viewpoint and know how their behavior makes me feel, I CANNOT GET OVER IT!
I so do not enjoy these times when I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. But I have to fight not to go down that road. It is the cowardly thing to wallow in my misery and self-pity. That is what I wanted to do last night. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave my room and go back out to face the people out there. Because I am so ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my pride. I am ashamed with how far away my heart is from where it should be. I am ashamed of my weaknesses.
But I knew I had to do go out there. I bit my lip, dried my eyes, prayed deeply for courage, and walked down the hall. I apologized. I allowed them to respond to me and agreed as they called out my shortcomings. And then I put on my happy face for the night (although I did whisper to my husband that once everyone left I'd probably have a meltdown).
It is hard sometimes. I feel like my mind is in the right place. As hard as I try to feel otherwise, I think my thoughts about this person's behavior are right. But that doesn't mean anything if my heart is not where it should be. My heart is wrong. Hopefully it will change as I continue to seek that change the next few days.
I am grateful though. The person with whom I share this experience has a good heart. He is willing to forgive me. He is willing to be understanding. He is willing to continue to work with me on improving the way we communicate with each other. He has strengths to compensate for my weaknesses.
Wish me luck as I struggle to not abandon myself to self-loathing and pursue the path of change instead.
Last night, I attempted to talk to someone about behaviors I disagreed with. It didn't go so well. I didn't want to even bring anything up because I already knew that my heart wasn't in a good place. I wasn't filled with charity or compassion or understanding. I was filled with all those other emotions it pains me to admit. I was filled with resentment, anger....all those fun ones. I knew that my heart was in the wrong. I knew it. And yet I felt like I was getting nowhere in trying to change it.
Events happened, things were said, and I ended up sitting on the floor in my dark bathroom with tears running down my face. I felt awful about myself. I knew that I was making judgments about this person, I wanted to be filled with good feelings in my heart, it pained me to know that I had hurt this person's feelings...but my heart remained unchanged.
I'm trying to understand myself better. My husband talked with me about how out of character it was for me to be so harsh in my judgments with this particular person. For the most part, I tend to fall on the other side of the fence, I try to gain understanding and give them a break. So it pains me so much to see this in myself. To know that my heart is in the wrong. And to be unable to change it. I keep trying to grasp at things that will help me. What can I do? What are the actions and behaviors I can modify in order to modify my hard heart?
I've been noticing some patterns in my life. I have a fear of making other people feel bad. I also, surprisingly considering what has been written so far, have a desire not to judge others (I know that sounds like complete hypocrisy). So most of the time, if I disagree with what people are doing, I'm too chicken to say anything at the time being because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So what do I do? Instead I take the much better approach of harboring all those thoughts and feelings, letting them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore, and then I proceed to vomit this huge load of negativity on the person. So in my attempt to not hurt someone's feelings, I end up being much more hurtful than if I'd just be honest with people in the moment. I know. I'm super proud of myself. Why can't I just make a simple comment instead of building everything up into this huge ordeal. I've learned enough about myself to know that things have to come out. I don't even care so much if the other person ends up agreeing with me, but if I don't know that they have heard my viewpoint and know how their behavior makes me feel, I CANNOT GET OVER IT!
I so do not enjoy these times when I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. But I have to fight not to go down that road. It is the cowardly thing to wallow in my misery and self-pity. That is what I wanted to do last night. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave my room and go back out to face the people out there. Because I am so ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my pride. I am ashamed with how far away my heart is from where it should be. I am ashamed of my weaknesses.
But I knew I had to do go out there. I bit my lip, dried my eyes, prayed deeply for courage, and walked down the hall. I apologized. I allowed them to respond to me and agreed as they called out my shortcomings. And then I put on my happy face for the night (although I did whisper to my husband that once everyone left I'd probably have a meltdown).
It is hard sometimes. I feel like my mind is in the right place. As hard as I try to feel otherwise, I think my thoughts about this person's behavior are right. But that doesn't mean anything if my heart is not where it should be. My heart is wrong. Hopefully it will change as I continue to seek that change the next few days.
I am grateful though. The person with whom I share this experience has a good heart. He is willing to forgive me. He is willing to be understanding. He is willing to continue to work with me on improving the way we communicate with each other. He has strengths to compensate for my weaknesses.
Wish me luck as I struggle to not abandon myself to self-loathing and pursue the path of change instead.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Blessed
Lately I've been filled with gratitude for all the blessings of God in my life. When it comes down to it, love is what life is all about. We need to be loved and we need the opportunity to love others. I love my husband, and he loves me. We have been through some tough times together. There are ups and downs to our relationship. There have been times when it hurt because I loved him so much. There have also been some dark days, days where we clung to the hope that we'd find a way back to each other. And we did. He has been there in the best of times and the worst of times. He's got my back. He might not always know the best way to cushion my fall, but he tries his hardest and falling continues to be less and less painful. He is strong, reliable, funny, amazing, selfless, and steady. I love him. He has become a part of me.
And then there are my kids. They wrap their little arms around my neck and won't let go. They snuggle onto my lap as much as possible. They hold my face in their pudgy hands to tell me they love me. They forgive me when I falter. They think the best thing in the world is "Special Time" when they get me all to themselves. I love them so much. My love for them has changed me. It has strengthened me and led me to be a better person. My love for them pushes me to heights I never knew I could reach.
It doesn't end there. I have a mother who is the best example for me. She always made me feel special growing up. She threw me parties and celebrated my birthday every year even though it was 2 days after Christmas. She stayed up and waited for me to get back from dates. She sacrificed pretty much everything for her kids. She brought joy into my life and I didn't appreciate it as much as I could have. She gives ME mother's day presents. She is amazing. And my dad. My dad was always there. Recording, filming, supporting... He comes over every Saturday to bring my kids donuts. He lets me come over with my whole brood, and the dog, and sleep over :) You know, my mom was always the one more in the foreground when it came to being there for me. But my dad...he was there right behind her ready to catch me should it be needed. I love my dad.
I also have great siblings. I love my sisters and brothers so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I talk to my sisters on the phone all the time, and when they come to visit, everything else is put on hold so we can just hang out with each other. They are always supportive of me and uplifting. I love them. I love my brothers too. I love spending time with them. I love how sweet they are to my kids. I love my brothers and sisters.
I could keep going. It just seems like everyday I've been crying because something reminds me of how blessed I am to have so much love in my life and in my heart. Nothing really else matters.
And then there are my kids. They wrap their little arms around my neck and won't let go. They snuggle onto my lap as much as possible. They hold my face in their pudgy hands to tell me they love me. They forgive me when I falter. They think the best thing in the world is "Special Time" when they get me all to themselves. I love them so much. My love for them has changed me. It has strengthened me and led me to be a better person. My love for them pushes me to heights I never knew I could reach.
It doesn't end there. I have a mother who is the best example for me. She always made me feel special growing up. She threw me parties and celebrated my birthday every year even though it was 2 days after Christmas. She stayed up and waited for me to get back from dates. She sacrificed pretty much everything for her kids. She brought joy into my life and I didn't appreciate it as much as I could have. She gives ME mother's day presents. She is amazing. And my dad. My dad was always there. Recording, filming, supporting... He comes over every Saturday to bring my kids donuts. He lets me come over with my whole brood, and the dog, and sleep over :) You know, my mom was always the one more in the foreground when it came to being there for me. But my dad...he was there right behind her ready to catch me should it be needed. I love my dad.
I also have great siblings. I love my sisters and brothers so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I talk to my sisters on the phone all the time, and when they come to visit, everything else is put on hold so we can just hang out with each other. They are always supportive of me and uplifting. I love them. I love my brothers too. I love spending time with them. I love how sweet they are to my kids. I love my brothers and sisters.
I could keep going. It just seems like everyday I've been crying because something reminds me of how blessed I am to have so much love in my life and in my heart. Nothing really else matters.
Diligence
My 8 year old son has been preparing for his baptism. Several months ago, he was asked to come up with 3 goals for school. One of the things he chose was to read the Book of Mormon before his baptism. This was a pretty ambitious goal since it is about 530 pages and he'd read way under 100. He tried to read at least 1 chapter every night, but it didn't always happen. About 4 months ago, I told him he needed to make a decision. If he was going to reach his goal, he'd need to start reading 2 chapters a day. I tried to be as uninfluential as I could about it. He thought for less than a minute and said he still wanted to do it. And he wanted to read a bunch of chapters right then and there. About 2 months ago, I realized that he didn't know how to accomplish this goal unless I provided the structure for it. I went to a website, typed in his current spot and his target end date, and printed it out. He'd need to read about 6 pages each day. I wouldn't have been surprised had he decided to change his mind at that point....he didn't. He was determined. He finished yesterday, 2 days ahead of schedule.
When it comes to religion and my kids, I am sometimes torn. I want to teach them about sin and its consequences. But I'm also hesitant sometimes about how I'm influencing them in their choices. They are at an age where they like to please me. They want me to be pleased with them. I worry about them making religious and moral decisions, not because they know it is the right thing to do, but because they think it will make me happy. I don't want that. I want them to feel the Holy Spirit working within them. I want them to make good choices for the right reasons. My brother thinks that my son read it because I'm molding him. I really don't know if that is the case though. I didn't want him to do it to make me happy, I didn't want him to do it so everyone would think I'm a great mother, I didn't want him to do it if HE didn't want it.
But he did. He truly wanted to do it. To me, that is a testament of its truthfulness. Why else would a child be so determined and diligent? I know that he could feel the Holy Spirit testify to him as he read. Last night when he came down to announce that he was done, his face was filled with joy. He wanted to call everyone and tell them. The first thing he said when he woke up this morning was, "Remember how I finished the Book of Mormon?"
This was a good experience for me. I had to make his goal a priority in order for him to accomplish it. Almost every morning, we'd put school on the back burner while we read a chapter together. I had committed with a group of women to read the Book of Mormon by the end of April. I had to make the decision to put that goal aside and help Carston instead. I didn't want to push him to do it, but I realized he could not accomplish it on his own if I didn't offer support.
I hope that this experience has served to strengthen his testimony. I hope that he will continue to study his scriptures and gain the strength that God knows he needs. I feel so blessed to know that God can always guide me as I try my best to help my kids in the ways that they need.
When it comes to religion and my kids, I am sometimes torn. I want to teach them about sin and its consequences. But I'm also hesitant sometimes about how I'm influencing them in their choices. They are at an age where they like to please me. They want me to be pleased with them. I worry about them making religious and moral decisions, not because they know it is the right thing to do, but because they think it will make me happy. I don't want that. I want them to feel the Holy Spirit working within them. I want them to make good choices for the right reasons. My brother thinks that my son read it because I'm molding him. I really don't know if that is the case though. I didn't want him to do it to make me happy, I didn't want him to do it so everyone would think I'm a great mother, I didn't want him to do it if HE didn't want it.
But he did. He truly wanted to do it. To me, that is a testament of its truthfulness. Why else would a child be so determined and diligent? I know that he could feel the Holy Spirit testify to him as he read. Last night when he came down to announce that he was done, his face was filled with joy. He wanted to call everyone and tell them. The first thing he said when he woke up this morning was, "Remember how I finished the Book of Mormon?"
This was a good experience for me. I had to make his goal a priority in order for him to accomplish it. Almost every morning, we'd put school on the back burner while we read a chapter together. I had committed with a group of women to read the Book of Mormon by the end of April. I had to make the decision to put that goal aside and help Carston instead. I didn't want to push him to do it, but I realized he could not accomplish it on his own if I didn't offer support.
I hope that this experience has served to strengthen his testimony. I hope that he will continue to study his scriptures and gain the strength that God knows he needs. I feel so blessed to know that God can always guide me as I try my best to help my kids in the ways that they need.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Resolution
I have been filled with unkind feelings lately toward a certain company we've been trying to work with. I've been frustrated, flabbergasted, angry, upset, annoyed, sad, etc. I did not like this company one bit. I was so torn with what we should do and how we should proceed. A couple nights ago we got some more upsetting news and I ended up staying up until the wee hours of the morning trying to calm myself down so I could sleep. The next day, I told John I needed to go to the temple. Driving over there that evening, we just about got into a stupid argument. I knew that it was the adversary trying to prevent me from being in the right spirit. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the answers I was seeking if I went in there upset with John. I prayed my guts out that in the remaining five minutes before we arrived, our issue could be resolved. It was. We have never started down one of those discussions and had it end so quickly. I knew that was a little miracle from God and I was so thankful for it.
As I sat in the session, I kept praying to know what we should do. Should we continue to work with this company or should we pull out? I kept getting the answer that we should keep working with them. Even though I knew that was the road we should take, I still didn't WANT to do it. I was filled with anger and bitterness toward them, and the thought of completing this project with them seriously made me sick to my stomach. So then I spent the next part of the session asking Heavenly Father to please change my heart so that I would not have these feelings and I'd be able to work with them and do what needed to be done with a peaceful heart.
I was surprised with how Heavenly Father helped me have that change of heart. The last time we went to the temple, I could feel the spirit of our next child. It was a very emotional experience and helped me with some things relating to my feelings about having another child. Because of how my pregnancies go, as well as all the things I have going on, I feel like it is best for us to be settled in a new home before I get pregnant again. As I sat in the temple yesterday struggling with my feelings for this company and my desire to work with them in building a home, I felt such a strong impression about having this baby. What was more important? The issues we had with this company? Or being able to bring this child into our family? Heavenly Father let me know that this child was waiting and ready to come down, and bringing this child into our home was more important than anything happening with this company. There probably isn't any other thing that Heavenly Father could have used that would have been powerful enough for me to let my negative emotions go so I could move forward and be at peace with this company. Just like that, my heart was changed. Where it had been filled with anger and resentment and bitterness jush an hour before, it was now filled with peace and understanding. That is a miracle to me.
I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and the temple. This was a problem in my life where taking a lot of time to work things out wasn't possible. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him, seeking the help and answers I need, and if I accept them (even if I don't like them), He will help me align my heart with His.
As I sat in the session, I kept praying to know what we should do. Should we continue to work with this company or should we pull out? I kept getting the answer that we should keep working with them. Even though I knew that was the road we should take, I still didn't WANT to do it. I was filled with anger and bitterness toward them, and the thought of completing this project with them seriously made me sick to my stomach. So then I spent the next part of the session asking Heavenly Father to please change my heart so that I would not have these feelings and I'd be able to work with them and do what needed to be done with a peaceful heart.
I was surprised with how Heavenly Father helped me have that change of heart. The last time we went to the temple, I could feel the spirit of our next child. It was a very emotional experience and helped me with some things relating to my feelings about having another child. Because of how my pregnancies go, as well as all the things I have going on, I feel like it is best for us to be settled in a new home before I get pregnant again. As I sat in the temple yesterday struggling with my feelings for this company and my desire to work with them in building a home, I felt such a strong impression about having this baby. What was more important? The issues we had with this company? Or being able to bring this child into our family? Heavenly Father let me know that this child was waiting and ready to come down, and bringing this child into our home was more important than anything happening with this company. There probably isn't any other thing that Heavenly Father could have used that would have been powerful enough for me to let my negative emotions go so I could move forward and be at peace with this company. Just like that, my heart was changed. Where it had been filled with anger and resentment and bitterness jush an hour before, it was now filled with peace and understanding. That is a miracle to me.
I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and the temple. This was a problem in my life where taking a lot of time to work things out wasn't possible. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him, seeking the help and answers I need, and if I accept them (even if I don't like them), He will help me align my heart with His.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
You Are Not Alone
This has pretty much become my journal, so here is what I feel I've learned more about his week :) I had a prompting several weeks ago to write a couple of letters to some teenagers I knew. I didn't do it. It wasn't intentional, but I kept forgetting and life would be busy. Last week I found out that some events had occured and these two kids found themselves in some pretty challenging circumstances. Needless to say, I didn't put it off any longer. It took some effort to get them to the kids, but I wrote them and had them delivered. It immediately opened up a line of communication with one of the girls. I've spent time this last week offering her whatever love and support I can. There is nothing I can do to change their circumstances. I don't have the answers about what choices they should make. I can't tell them what the right thing to do is. I can't give them a magic formula to make everything all better. I can't even give them a hug. But I can let them know that they are not alone. Yesterday I was making cookies and had the strong thought that I should send a text asking this girl how she was doing. I'd learned my lesson and so I acted without delay. It turns out that at that exact moment she was feeling incredibly alone and forgotten. I don't think the timing of that text was a coincidence. As I look back through my life, I can think of so many times where my heart went out to people because of their struggles, and yet I felt like there was nothing I could do....and so that is exactly what I did-nothing. But I am realizing more and more the important work we can do in those situations. When we help someone remember that they are not alone, that they have not been forgotten in their trials, we are doing the Lord's work. At some point, they will know because of small and simple acts of love, that God has not left them alone. He has not forgotten them. One night when I was talking to this girl, I felt impressed to push her to turn to God. She was hesitant. She wondered is He even cared about her, if He would even want to have anything to do with her. As I kept testifying that God loved her, she asked me how I could even know that. I knew it because I was there for her right then, right at the time when she needed it. It was not just luck that she had someone to talk to. God knew the trials she would soon be facing and had prompted me to write her a letter. That letter led to a door being opened. That open door allowed me to show her love and compassion at the time when she needed it most. Those events are not insignificant. Sometimes when people are struggling through trials, the only thing we can do-and the thing most needed-is to let them know that they are not alone. We show them that God is aware of them when we show that we are aware of them. We show them that God does not leave them alone when we refuse to leave them to suffer alone. I remember when my mom was going through a very difficult time. There wasn't anything anyone could do to fix the challenges she was going through. Do you know what she remembers about that time? Someone left flowers for her at work. It had nothing to do with her trial, but it was a testament to her that she was not alone, that she was not forgotten. It was a testament that God loved her and was aware of her. There are several people right now in my life who are struggling with some difficult challenges. Ones that I can't magically disappear. I've found myself mourning and being weighed down. I've wondered how it must feel for President Monson who is much more aware of the difficulties faced by many more people. But I realize that I can do something. If I can help people simply feel like they are not alone, if I can help them know that the Savior is there for them....what can be more important or significant than that?
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