I feel like I'm on the verge of something. These past few weeks, I find myself crying alot. And sometimes I don't really know why. I had a really embarrassing meltdown the other day in front of my mom, sister, and brother. I could not stop crying. I couldn't talk or I knew I'd burst into hysterical sobs. So I attempted to distract myself, cleaning the toy room, while tears wouldn't stop falling down my face. Needless to say, I was mortified. My poor brother...I think I seriously scared him. One minute we're having a nice discussion, and the next minute his sister can't stop crying. It was fun.
I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.
I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)
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