Sacrifices worth making

When I was pregnant with our 4th child, I felt this incessant desire to know if this would be our last child. My husband couldn't understand the crazy seeking-especially since number 4 wasn't even born yet. But I had to know. Pregnancy is hard on me just like it is many women. It is hard physically. I spend the first 5 months nearly incapacitated as I struggle to get through each day. I usually lose weight the first few months because I can't eat anything other than cheerios, saltines, and ginger ale. Water makes me vomit. Brushing my teeth makes me vomit. Getting out of bed in the morning makes me vomit. Getting off the couch makes me vomit. Driving in the car makes me vomit. You get the picture. And it doesn't go away after 5 months, just eases up a little. Add to that the sleepless nights, the heartburn, the inability to move without involuntarily moaning. But the physical difficulties are nothing compared to the mental and emotional struggles pregnancy can bring. 3 out of 4 pregnancies have brought depression. Some were more mild, but one was especially frightening. It was a very dark time. And while I can predict and anticipate what physical ailments will come, I can't predict just how much it will affect me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that is the part that scares me the most. When I was pregnant with our first child, everything was so exciting. I remember smiling the first time I told my husband I felt nauseous. It was amazing to see what my body was capable of. Times have changed. While it is still amazing and exciting to know that a life is growing inside of you, you know too well what to expect. I know how awful it will be. I know how my body will struggle as strives to carry a child. And with more children depending on me, I know that there will be no ''taking it easy." I can't shut down for nine months and make pregnancy my only focus. Maybe that is why I felt such a need to know. Anyway, I had a very sacred experience where I gained the knowledge that number 4 was not our last child. I knew number 5 was also waiting to come to our family. So here we are. All of our other children are either 2 years or 18 months apart. My "baby" is now 2, and the next one is nowhere in sight. I've been dreading it. I've been dreading pregnancy and all the expected and unexpected difficulties. I've been trying to figure out when the best time for me to be out of commission would be. Guess what? There is no "Best Time." Between building a house and moving this summer, and adjusting to homeschooling an extra child in the fall....I'm at a loss. I've just been feeling such anxiety about the whole situation. Until this week. We went to the temple. I definitely had it on my mind and was able to have such a special experience. I was able to feel the spirit of this child that was waiting to come down, I was able to remember that every sacrifice I would have to make would be worth it, and I was able to feel God's love for me and his approval of the things I was willing to go through to bring this child to our family. I feel better. I still don't know exactly when the time will be right, and I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but I know that everything will work out. I know that God is aware of me, that He knows how to direct my life, and that He will be there with me every step of the way. So number 5...you are SO worth it and I can't wait to meet you.

Progress is here...even if it be small :)

I feel like I have made progress. I read parts of the book The Feeling Good Handbook. It has sections about overcoming depression, anxiety, etc. But the sections I read were on communication. It is definitely the most helpful thing I've ever read on the subject. It doesn't just tell you how you should communicate, it discusses reasons why you fight against it, what you gain from it, and step by step teaches you how. It forces you to examine your own communication and where you are lacking. Obviously the communication I'm trying to improve is that with my husband. I have an amazing husband. I really do. We love each other. We support each other. He comes home from a bad day at work, sees that I've had a rough day, and his desire to give me a break is stronger than his desire to give himself a break. He always offers me the last of his fries or shake. He has been stood by my side as I've waded through sorrow. I love him. And he loves me. But from the beginning, our ability to feel intimate with each other through our communication has never been our strength. I think I've always felt like the problem resided with him. If I'm being honest with myself. And that right there is why I think it hasn't improved much in the almost 10 years since we've been married. 10 years. That is a LONG time. I think maybe that is why I've felt such a strong push and desire to change this. Hitting the 10 year mark in your marriage can be both comforting and scary. Comforting because "Hey! You Made It! You are still married!" And scary because thinking of the weaknesses in your marriage you think, "Crap! You Made It! You are still Here!" I do NOT want this to be our marital weakness for the rest of our marriage. I don't. Enough is enough and it is time to change it. And that is precisely why I feel like it will actually happen. Instead of wanting and waiting my husband to change, I'm willing to change myself in order to change this aspect of our marriage. One of the things that really stuck with me from my reading was this: YOU HAVE TO LOSE TO WIN. I have to lose in my idea of how to change things in order to win the greater intimacy I'm trying to get. It has been so easy for me to get lost in the smaller conflicts and not realize that giving in would give me what I really wanted. Instead of pushing and pushing, what I really need to do was pull. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just feel like I was pushing and pushing my husband for better communication, and the only thing I was really accomplishing was pushing him away. This book truly made me see my weaknesses in communicating that repel intimacy. That might be because I was in a good mindset, I was willing to look at myself. I'm so glad I did. Another thing I've learned is that I can handle some disappointment from my spouse. If he is disappointed that I feel a certain way, or that I said something...IT DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN"T LOVE ME. I was laying there one night after talking with him and trying to use the tools I'd been reading about. And the tools worked. He opened up about some sensitive things that were hard to share. I was so pleased with that. And yet, some of the things made me feel bad. I was laying there wallowing in sorrow and feeling rejected when I had an epiphany. I WAS STRONG. I could handle this. If getting the intimacy I wanted with my spouse required some pain, bring it on. I was strong enough to handle a little rejection or a little hurt feelings. It didn't mean he didn't love me. I was jumping to those insane conclusions and by so doing, encouraging him not to share himself with me. Anyway, this is all a bit random. And maybe it is a little too personal. But I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget what I've learned. I don't want to forget the things I've learned about how to change myself in order to change my marriage. And that was one of the things I loved from this book. Everything I learned, it showed how one person changing will change both people involved. It showed how changing your negative communication skills will automatically change the other person's. I can do this. I have to power to obtain the strength in our marriage, as long as I let go of my smaller desire to do it "my way."

To Progress

I'm trying to sort things out in my mind. Why do relationships have to be so complicated. Whoever said that love was not enough was right. No matter how much you love someone, there is always an amount of difficult learning required to make things work. You can love someone and not know what they need from you when they are sad. You can love someone and not know how to share your thoughts and feelings with them. You can love someone and not know how to hear what they feel when they are talking. You can love someone and still not behave in a manner that allows them to trust you.

In high school, I subconsciously prided myself on my communication abilities. As I'm finding out, they are actually quite poor when it comes down to it. Let's take a look at all my failings:

1. Put-downs: I use put-downs. I never thought I did because I don't really participate in name-calling. But every so often, when it comes to certain things, I use phrases like, "You never..." and "You always..." Sometimes out loud and sometimes in my mind. Those are put downs. They put people down into a negative place and keep them there forever in your mind.

2. Hopelessness: I give up and insist there is no point in trying. I don't often find myself here, but nevertheless, there are definitely times with certain subjects where I feel hopeless. I find myself feeling like things will never be different and the only productive thing I can do is surrender to that fact.

3. Demandingness: I feel entitled to better treatment but refuse to ask for what I want in a direct, straightforward way. This one is something I do more frequently I think. I relate more to the not asking part. I don't know that I feel entitled, but I definitely desire things and don't always ask.

4. Passive Aggression: I withdraw or say nothing. While I've made progress with this one, it is still a frequent foe. Sometimes I can literally feel myself shutting down. At times I feel like I couldn't say something even if my children's lives depended on it. Not so good.

5. Self-Blame: Instead of dealing with the problem, I act like I'm an awful, terrible person. A few years ago, I saw this pattern in myself. I would withdraw and then turn everything on myself in order to not be hurt or angry with the other person. Maybe I'm trying to cut the other person out completely because they are beyond my control. I don't know. I do know though that it doesn't help address the issue. It only makes it worse. Not only do I have the original problem, but now I also feel extremely awful about myself.



It is so frustrating for me to love someone, have something I want to discuss, and then have everything just end up worse. I have found myself just not wanting to bring things up that matter to me. And that scares me. I'm scared that I will just build up all these negative feelings and explode one day. I see people who have been married for years, and then they just walk away from each other. That scares me. And so, I'm working to improve my communication. Maybe I'll make progress, maybe I won't. But the odds are against me if I don't even try right?

Some of the things that have stuck with me:
1. Bad Communication is not expressing feelings openly and not acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Therefore good communication really just boils down to expressing your feelings openly and acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Why does it sound so easy and yet it is so hard to implement?
2. Whatever you do, DO NOT CONTRADICT the other person.
3. When people don't ask me questions about my feelings and why I have them, I feel like that is a projection of their lack of love and interest in me. Subsequently, if people don't share their thoughts and feelings with me, I feel like that portrays a lack of love or interest in me.
4. If someone is frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset with me, it does not mean that they don't love me. It just means that they are frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset.
5. When someone tells me something that is not pleasant, find a part of it I can agree with. It will help them know I am listening and understanding. It will help stop me from being defensive.
6. I need to validate the other person's thought and feelings. This doesn't mean that I agree, but it lets them know that I am understanding how they are thinking and feeling.
7. Make inquires. Ask questions. This will prevent me from leaping to my own conclusions (which are always the worst possible scenario). This encourages them to share their thoughts and feelings. The most powerful (and also scariest) inquiries involve questions about how I have hurt them and what things I've done.
8. Use "I feel" statements. This will help keep me from blaming statements and put downs. Words I can use: angry, criticized, put-down, frustrated, coerced, misunderstood, sad, rejected, hurt, unloved, disappointed, ignored, intimidated, attacked, inadequate.
9. It is important to express my wishes and desires. This goes right along with not asking for what I want.
10. Most importantly, in the heat of the moment and all the emotions, I need to find a way to still express how much I care for the other person. Otherwise, they might feel rejected and unloved.


These are all things I've heard and read about before. But when I tried to reconstruct a conversation using them, it made me realize how much work I have ahead of me. However, this is something I really want to change about myself. I feel like it really inhibits my ability to be close to people. I don't know that I really want the world to know my weaknesses, but there is power for me in writing things down. I might want to do certain things, but until I've written them somewhere I don't feel fully committed or accountable for progress. So this post is dedicated to progress.