My Newest Epiphany

Lately I've just felt myself being overtaken with negativity. I've felt negative about the things I need to do for church, negative about the things I need to keep my house up and running, negative about my marriage, negative about myself, NEGATIVE. I was furtively praying and trying to stop myself, correct myself, but it all seemed to no avail. One morning, I woke up and thought to myself, "I don't want to get out of bed. What's waiting for me...give the girls a bath, do all three of their hair, shower, get dressed and do my hair, the dishes need to be done, John is going to watch the football game for four hours, I should vacuum, I need to write those letters that have been haunting my mind for the last month, I don't even know what I'll make for dinner,etc...." Seriously, I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel like there was going to be anything in my day that I'd enjoy doing. Isn't that awful? I thought it was awful. I knew this was the path I'd been going down, so I wasn't surprised to find myself here. But I didn't WANT to be here. I didn't want to be missing all the joy in my life. I didn't want to be a complainer and a whiner. I didn't want to be so ungrateful. But as much as I didn't want all those things, I didn't know how to fix it. I could get up and fake it, put a big smile on my face and infuse the day with false cheerfulness, and no one else would be the wiser (I'm an excellent actress as long as no one is filming). But I'd feel exactly the same inside, wake up the next day feeling the same, and have to start the charade again. I didn't know what to do. But, I did get out of bed. After a lecture from my husband, I decided to slow things down that morning. I let the girls play long in the bathtub while I read an uplifting book. I let the dishes sit in the sink a little longer. I kind of let life unfold in what seemed like slow motion. And it was a little better. But I knew that rock in my heart was still there. That night, we had a church meeting to attend. It wasn't exactly where I wanted to be, but knew we should go. When the second speaker began by asking how many of us were feeling joy in our life, my heart tuned in. It was a great talk about how we can choose to just live a mundane life or how we can find the joy in it. I took notes and went home with a stronger desire to stop feeling how I was. But still, I had no concrete way of accomplishing it. The next day was Sunday. I fasted and prayed a lot that day that God would help me. And I feel like I got an answer. A little over two years ago, there was a week where two major things happened. First, I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child (my others were 4, 2, and about 10 months old). Second, I got called to oversee the young women (12-18 years) in our church. This would involve lots of meetings and teaching on Sunday, as well as an additional activity each week. It would involve a week in the summer spent at camp. It would mean planning, preparing, and executing all these things. It also meant an emotional load as I carried the responsibility for the well-being of these girls. This meant prayers, notes, late night phone conversations, birthday treats, etc. It was a big job to accept. Anyway, since that time, I have felt this overwhelming pressure to organize my time, to not waste it, to be so careful so that I could accomplish all that was asked of me. Seconds, not minutes, have become precious to me. In order to get it all done, I feel like I always have to be mindful. There is always a running list of tasks in my head and I'm constantly figuring out how I can possibly do it all. Then I started homeschooling my second grader for the majority of school. I know, I seem crazy! But it was one of those things where I knew it was right, and if so, God would provide the way.

You get the picture. Gone are the days of boredom and wondering what to do. And all of these things that I'm doing are good. I chose these things. I chose to be a mother. I chose to have 4 children close together. I chose to accept the task of caring for the young women in the ward. I chose to homeschool. I wanted to do all these things. But suddenly I found myself resentful of the things I had chosen, the things I knew I wanted to do. That bothered me. I knew if I was able to go back and do it all again, I would make the same choices. But something wasn't right. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in the "tasks". I lost myself in the "task" of running my home, instead of finding joy in serving the people in my home. I lost myself in the "task" of the young women, instead of finding joy in serving the sweet, beautiful girls. I lost myself in the "task" of marriage, instead of finding joy in spending my life with a man I love. I lost myself in the "task" of homeschooling, instead of finding joy in teaching my child.

My life hasn't changed. The dishes still need to be done. Dinner will still have to materialize. I still have meetings and activities and things to do with the young women. I still have schoolwork to complete each day with my son. Those things haven't changed. But I have found the answer to HOW to get out of my negative state. I need to go back to the people, how much I love them, and remember why I WANT to do the things I do. I'm excited about that. It is something I can hold onto.

This morning, life was crazy. We wanted to go to the library, but we had schoolwork, and jobs, and books to find... I found myself getting negative, feeling upset. But I stopped. I thought to myself, "Whatever. If we don't get to the library today, whatever." And it worked. I chilled out and quit stressing, put the baby down for a nap, and cleaned my house and did my tasks with a happy heart. It was wonderful.

Bubble Bath...

Last night I was getting in the bath, wishing once again that I had some bubble bath. Everytime I take a bath, I think the same thing. This has been going on for well over a year. Why, you might ask, don't I buy myself some bubble bath? Last night, I finally asked myself the same question. I go to the store all the time, I am the one primarily responsible for keeping our house stocked, why in the world did I not have bubble bath? It only took a moment for the ridiculous excuse to come to light. A long time ago, on a dark and chilly night, I got into the bath and thought to myself how much nicer this bath would be if only there was bubble bath. Maybe, I thought, someone will buy me some for my birthday or Christmas or Mother's Day, or some other holiday. And so, here I am, a year later, waiting for the inspiration to strike one of my beloved family members to buy me bubble bath. Meanwhile, each time I take a bath I lament the absense of the sweet smelling bubbles.

Does that not just sound absolutely ridiculous? Dang woman! Stop waiting around for someone to do it and go out and get what you want!

But the worst part, is that I find myself doing that with things far more important than bubble bath. I find myself doing that with love, with relationships, with dreams, with goals. I find myself wanting things to be different, and yet I do nothing but sit and wait for someone else to make it happen. I am responsible for myself. I have the power to make things happen. It is time to stop waiting for inspiration to strike someone else, and do what I can to change things.

Let's just hope that I still know how to do that.