I'm trying to sort things out in my mind. Why do relationships have to be so complicated. Whoever said that love was not enough was right. No matter how much you love someone, there is always an amount of difficult learning required to make things work. You can love someone and not know what they need from you when they are sad. You can love someone and not know how to share your thoughts and feelings with them. You can love someone and not know how to hear what they feel when they are talking. You can love someone and still not behave in a manner that allows them to trust you.
In high school, I subconsciously prided myself on my communication abilities. As I'm finding out, they are actually quite poor when it comes down to it. Let's take a look at all my failings:
1. Put-downs: I use put-downs. I never thought I did because I don't really participate in name-calling. But every so often, when it comes to certain things, I use phrases like, "You never..." and "You always..." Sometimes out loud and sometimes in my mind. Those are put downs. They put people down into a negative place and keep them there forever in your mind.
2. Hopelessness: I give up and insist there is no point in trying. I don't often find myself here, but nevertheless, there are definitely times with certain subjects where I feel hopeless. I find myself feeling like things will never be different and the only productive thing I can do is surrender to that fact.
3. Demandingness: I feel entitled to better treatment but refuse to ask for what I want in a direct, straightforward way. This one is something I do more frequently I think. I relate more to the not asking part. I don't know that I feel entitled, but I definitely desire things and don't always ask.
4. Passive Aggression: I withdraw or say nothing. While I've made progress with this one, it is still a frequent foe. Sometimes I can literally feel myself shutting down. At times I feel like I couldn't say something even if my children's lives depended on it. Not so good.
5. Self-Blame: Instead of dealing with the problem, I act like I'm an awful, terrible person. A few years ago, I saw this pattern in myself. I would withdraw and then turn everything on myself in order to not be hurt or angry with the other person. Maybe I'm trying to cut the other person out completely because they are beyond my control. I don't know. I do know though that it doesn't help address the issue. It only makes it worse. Not only do I have the original problem, but now I also feel extremely awful about myself.
It is so frustrating for me to love someone, have something I want to discuss, and then have everything just end up worse. I have found myself just not wanting to bring things up that matter to me. And that scares me. I'm scared that I will just build up all these negative feelings and explode one day. I see people who have been married for years, and then they just walk away from each other. That scares me. And so, I'm working to improve my communication. Maybe I'll make progress, maybe I won't. But the odds are against me if I don't even try right?
Some of the things that have stuck with me:
1. Bad Communication is not expressing feelings openly and not acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Therefore good communication really just boils down to expressing your feelings openly and acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Why does it sound so easy and yet it is so hard to implement?
2. Whatever you do, DO NOT CONTRADICT the other person.
3. When people don't ask me questions about my feelings and why I have them, I feel like that is a projection of their lack of love and interest in me. Subsequently, if people don't share their thoughts and feelings with me, I feel like that portrays a lack of love or interest in me.
4. If someone is frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset with me, it does not mean that they don't love me. It just means that they are frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset.
5. When someone tells me something that is not pleasant, find a part of it I can agree with. It will help them know I am listening and understanding. It will help stop me from being defensive.
6. I need to validate the other person's thought and feelings. This doesn't mean that I agree, but it lets them know that I am understanding how they are thinking and feeling.
7. Make inquires. Ask questions. This will prevent me from leaping to my own conclusions (which are always the worst possible scenario). This encourages them to share their thoughts and feelings. The most powerful (and also scariest) inquiries involve questions about how I have hurt them and what things I've done.
8. Use "I feel" statements. This will help keep me from blaming statements and put downs. Words I can use: angry, criticized, put-down, frustrated, coerced, misunderstood, sad, rejected, hurt, unloved, disappointed, ignored, intimidated, attacked, inadequate.
9. It is important to express my wishes and desires. This goes right along with not asking for what I want.
10. Most importantly, in the heat of the moment and all the emotions, I need to find a way to still express how much I care for the other person. Otherwise, they might feel rejected and unloved.
These are all things I've heard and read about before. But when I tried to reconstruct a conversation using them, it made me realize how much work I have ahead of me. However, this is something I really want to change about myself. I feel like it really inhibits my ability to be close to people. I don't know that I really want the world to know my weaknesses, but there is power for me in writing things down. I might want to do certain things, but until I've written them somewhere I don't feel fully committed or accountable for progress. So this post is dedicated to progress.
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