Tonight, all the kids were in bed and I was trying to get some stuff done. After awhile my 8 year old son came out sobbing. He was crying so hard that he couldn't even tell me what was wrong. Everytime he opened his mouth to tell me, his words would become muffled in his crying. I held him and waited, wondering what was causing him to feel so sad. I'd never seen him so upset. After awhile, he was able to tell me that he missed Grandpa Dick and Grandma Gladys. Grandpa Dick and Grandma Gladys are MY grandparents (his greats). Grandpa died when he was 6 and Grandma died when he was 4. They were amazing people and we were close to them. They lived in our home since the time I was 12, my family of 3 lived there when Carston was a little boy, and when we left we still tried to see them a couple times a week. Since Carston was pretty young when they died, I was surprised he was feeling their absense so strongly. We had a really sweet hour as we talked about them and cried together. We talked about all the things we loved to do with them. We looked at pictures and talked about their lives. We talked about eternal life and the despair we would feel without it. We talked about how pleased they would be with all the good things he is doing in life. He said that everytime he thinks about not seeing them for a long time it just makes him cry harder. And he did. He wanted to know if he could watch videos of them when he woke up in the morning. And he went to sleep reading the book that was filled with pictures and stories of my sweet Grandma Gladys.
Death is hard. I bawled with my son and now I'm bawling by myself.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
What will they say....
I attended a funeral yesterday. It was for a young man, 22, who had died because of someone else's poor decisions. It was a very sad occasion. It has made me think a lot about my life, the person I am, what I want to achieve.
The thing that this young man was remembered for most was the way he treated other people. They talked a lot about how he made everyone feel like his best friend. He rejoiced in their good times and sorrowed for their struggles. I don't know that he was the model man for daily scripture study and prayer, he didn't serve a mission, he had tattoos. He had weaknesses. But he lived a life of love. He expressed often to his parents his love and gratitude for them. He put his arm around his friends and rallied for them. He always jumped in to help the underdog. He was remembered for the way he loved others. That was the tribute they paid to this young man who life was taken before anyone dreamed possible.
It got me thinking about my own life. It is not uncommon for people to think and wonder, or even pose the question: what do you want people to remember you for? But this is the first time it has stayed with me for awhile and hopefully made a lasting change. I thought about what I would be remembered for. I got scared that if I died right now I'd be remembered for my diligence. I'm very good at being diligent when it comes to habits. From the time I was a young teenager until the day I got married, I wrote in my journal EVERY SINGLE DAY. I didn't miss a day for over 5 years. Not a single day. I also read my scripture EVERY SINGLE DAY during the time. It didn't matter if I was going to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, it didn't matter if I was sleeping somewhere else, I did it. That same trait has followed into my marriage and my family. John and I read scriptures and pray together. We do family prayers and scripture study as a family, as well as FHE. I can't say that it has been every single day, but we are pretty consistent.
I'm not knocking those things. I know there is great power in scripture study and prayer. I know blessings come when those things are done individually, as a couple, and as a family. I know those things are important. But as I've pondered this young man's death and my own life, I've had some personal insights. The purpose in life is not to get all those boxes checked off. When I die and go to heaven, God isn't going to pull out my chart and see how many days I missed. These things are not an end in themselves. Checking those boxes off each day are meant to pull us closer toward a greater purpose. We do these things for a reason. What is the why behind all the boxes I try meticulously to check off?
To be like Christ. That is what really matters. We read our scriptures and say our prayers and do all those things we are told to do so that we as individuals and as families will think, act, and BE like the Savior. And the chief characteristic of the Savior is love. Pure, unconditional love. What good does it do me to check off my boxes each day if I fail to love those around me? Really love them. Actively love them. Reach out to them without concern for myself.
Diligence or Charity? I want charity. When my time on this earth is done, I want to be remembered for loving people. I want to be remembered as someone who made you feel loved and valued and important. It is too easy for me to get distracted by all the boxes I feel I need to check off.
God has said that if we will turn to him, He can make our weaknesses into strengths. This is an area where I am weak. But I desperately want to change. I don't want this to be a nice idea that passes through my mind before the week is through. I want my nature to seriously be changed. I want to be filled with charity. I want it not to be something I do, but something that I am.
The thing that this young man was remembered for most was the way he treated other people. They talked a lot about how he made everyone feel like his best friend. He rejoiced in their good times and sorrowed for their struggles. I don't know that he was the model man for daily scripture study and prayer, he didn't serve a mission, he had tattoos. He had weaknesses. But he lived a life of love. He expressed often to his parents his love and gratitude for them. He put his arm around his friends and rallied for them. He always jumped in to help the underdog. He was remembered for the way he loved others. That was the tribute they paid to this young man who life was taken before anyone dreamed possible.
It got me thinking about my own life. It is not uncommon for people to think and wonder, or even pose the question: what do you want people to remember you for? But this is the first time it has stayed with me for awhile and hopefully made a lasting change. I thought about what I would be remembered for. I got scared that if I died right now I'd be remembered for my diligence. I'm very good at being diligent when it comes to habits. From the time I was a young teenager until the day I got married, I wrote in my journal EVERY SINGLE DAY. I didn't miss a day for over 5 years. Not a single day. I also read my scripture EVERY SINGLE DAY during the time. It didn't matter if I was going to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, it didn't matter if I was sleeping somewhere else, I did it. That same trait has followed into my marriage and my family. John and I read scriptures and pray together. We do family prayers and scripture study as a family, as well as FHE. I can't say that it has been every single day, but we are pretty consistent.
I'm not knocking those things. I know there is great power in scripture study and prayer. I know blessings come when those things are done individually, as a couple, and as a family. I know those things are important. But as I've pondered this young man's death and my own life, I've had some personal insights. The purpose in life is not to get all those boxes checked off. When I die and go to heaven, God isn't going to pull out my chart and see how many days I missed. These things are not an end in themselves. Checking those boxes off each day are meant to pull us closer toward a greater purpose. We do these things for a reason. What is the why behind all the boxes I try meticulously to check off?
To be like Christ. That is what really matters. We read our scriptures and say our prayers and do all those things we are told to do so that we as individuals and as families will think, act, and BE like the Savior. And the chief characteristic of the Savior is love. Pure, unconditional love. What good does it do me to check off my boxes each day if I fail to love those around me? Really love them. Actively love them. Reach out to them without concern for myself.
Diligence or Charity? I want charity. When my time on this earth is done, I want to be remembered for loving people. I want to be remembered as someone who made you feel loved and valued and important. It is too easy for me to get distracted by all the boxes I feel I need to check off.
God has said that if we will turn to him, He can make our weaknesses into strengths. This is an area where I am weak. But I desperately want to change. I don't want this to be a nice idea that passes through my mind before the week is through. I want my nature to seriously be changed. I want to be filled with charity. I want it not to be something I do, but something that I am.
10 years of bliss
My husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. There is little else in this world that can bring you greater joy or greater despair than marriage. I always say to my husband, "When things are good between us, everything is okay in the world." When we are close to each other, it doesn't matter what comes our way, we feel like everything will be okay and we can get through anything. But when we aren't close, when there is tension, or hurt feelings (mostly on my part :) it clouds the rest of our worlds. Tiny problems can throw us into bad moods, we are dissatisfied with life and other people...you get the picture.
Our marriage is not perfect. There are definitely those times when we struggle to understand each other. But we have made tremendous progress in our journey through the last ten years. When we were engaged, I'm sure we were like most couples. We thought we had marriage all figured out, we thought there was little else to learn about each other, we thought that there would be little difficulties in our marriage. In essence, we were naive in our presumptions.
I had no idea how marriage would open my mind to every single weakness I have. Some of them are big. Some of them are small. Some have had serious impacts on our marriage while others barely scratch the surface. And I'll be forever grateful for the enlightenment. How in the world can I work to overcome my weaknesses if my eyes are blind to them? So many qualities I thought I had mastered...patience, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, good communication....through marriage, it wasn't hard to see that my work in those areas was far from done. Some people say that marriage can be a real eye-opener. I agree. My marriage has truly opened my eyes as to who I really am.
And I've learned more about who my husband really is. I knew he possessed patience, determination, forgiveness, commitment, etc. I just didn't know how deeply those traits ran. I didn't know how often the quality of our marriage would depend on his ability to exercise those qualities. I didn't realize to the full extent what an amazing man I was marrying. And how could I? Did I know what was in store for us as we started our lives together? Did I know all the challenges and joys we would face together? I had no idea. Neither of us did. And we could hypothesize all we wanted about how we would behave in situations...but neither of us truly knew how we would act. We knew how we'd want to behave, but that didn't mean it would all play out like we hoped. Neither of us knew the strength we possessed until we were forced to use it.
I love my husband. I thank God every day that I get to share my life with him. I am so grateful that he is always in my corner. He sees my weaknesses up close and personal-more than anyone else on this earth-and he still loves me. He helps me and encourages me to be better. He is honest with me even if the truth is not what I'm looking to hear. He has stood by me through dark and trying times. He has carried me when I was crippled with despair. He is the keeper of my most private thoughts. He is gentle and tender when wading through my insecurities. He is thoughtful and kind. He is steady and calm when I'm crashing around. He is my partner in the greatest work we will ever do, raising our children. He is supportive of all my endeavors whether they be building furniture, fulfilling my church callings, creating family traditions, teaching our children, or strengthening myself. He has forgiven me for repeated offenses. He knows that I am a work in progress. I would not be who I am without him by my side.
Yesterday we were talking about how easy it is to get distracted from what is most important in life. I pray that I will never be distracted from loving you, from appreciating you, from enjoying your company. I love you Babe. Thank you for your love and all the ways that you have made me better.
Our marriage is not perfect. There are definitely those times when we struggle to understand each other. But we have made tremendous progress in our journey through the last ten years. When we were engaged, I'm sure we were like most couples. We thought we had marriage all figured out, we thought there was little else to learn about each other, we thought that there would be little difficulties in our marriage. In essence, we were naive in our presumptions.
I had no idea how marriage would open my mind to every single weakness I have. Some of them are big. Some of them are small. Some have had serious impacts on our marriage while others barely scratch the surface. And I'll be forever grateful for the enlightenment. How in the world can I work to overcome my weaknesses if my eyes are blind to them? So many qualities I thought I had mastered...patience, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, good communication....through marriage, it wasn't hard to see that my work in those areas was far from done. Some people say that marriage can be a real eye-opener. I agree. My marriage has truly opened my eyes as to who I really am.
And I've learned more about who my husband really is. I knew he possessed patience, determination, forgiveness, commitment, etc. I just didn't know how deeply those traits ran. I didn't know how often the quality of our marriage would depend on his ability to exercise those qualities. I didn't realize to the full extent what an amazing man I was marrying. And how could I? Did I know what was in store for us as we started our lives together? Did I know all the challenges and joys we would face together? I had no idea. Neither of us did. And we could hypothesize all we wanted about how we would behave in situations...but neither of us truly knew how we would act. We knew how we'd want to behave, but that didn't mean it would all play out like we hoped. Neither of us knew the strength we possessed until we were forced to use it.
I love my husband. I thank God every day that I get to share my life with him. I am so grateful that he is always in my corner. He sees my weaknesses up close and personal-more than anyone else on this earth-and he still loves me. He helps me and encourages me to be better. He is honest with me even if the truth is not what I'm looking to hear. He has stood by me through dark and trying times. He has carried me when I was crippled with despair. He is the keeper of my most private thoughts. He is gentle and tender when wading through my insecurities. He is thoughtful and kind. He is steady and calm when I'm crashing around. He is my partner in the greatest work we will ever do, raising our children. He is supportive of all my endeavors whether they be building furniture, fulfilling my church callings, creating family traditions, teaching our children, or strengthening myself. He has forgiven me for repeated offenses. He knows that I am a work in progress. I would not be who I am without him by my side.
Yesterday we were talking about how easy it is to get distracted from what is most important in life. I pray that I will never be distracted from loving you, from appreciating you, from enjoying your company. I love you Babe. Thank you for your love and all the ways that you have made me better.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Lessons in Letting Go
I feel like I'm on the verge of something. These past few weeks, I find myself crying alot. And sometimes I don't really know why. I had a really embarrassing meltdown the other day in front of my mom, sister, and brother. I could not stop crying. I couldn't talk or I knew I'd burst into hysterical sobs. So I attempted to distract myself, cleaning the toy room, while tears wouldn't stop falling down my face. Needless to say, I was mortified. My poor brother...I think I seriously scared him. One minute we're having a nice discussion, and the next minute his sister can't stop crying. It was fun.
I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.
I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)
I guess I've been under a lot of stress with our big project we've been working on. Our house that we are supposedly building...it was supposed to be done now. We were supposed to have moved in already. It hasn't even started. Week after week of problems and delays with the builder. Week after week of disappointment and lack of control. I felt like I was handling it okay. I've come to peace with a lot of the things that aren't going to happen. I realize how great it will be when it is done. I know that God has a plan for us and that He is a part of the timing of this event. I REALLY know that. I kept getting the feeling that there is an important reason why things haven't happened yet. I think we will probably understand everything better in a year or so.
I'm realizing though that I have a bit of a subconscious problem. We are in a situation where I have just about zero control. I am completely at the mercy of other people. I'm realizing that being in this situation has made me a little bit crazy. I find myself turning to areas I do have control over...my relationship with my kids, the routines in our house, the amount of sugar our family consumes, the amount of media we have in our house, where John and I stand with each other, etc. And I go a little crazy. I feel like I have to be "perfect" in each of these areas. The only problem....what exactly does "perfect" mean? I'd like to think that it is clear and definable, but it really isn't. Perfect in each of those areas depends on the day. I set the standard of 30 minutes of media each day. Well, what about those days when my kids are tired and whiney and won't nap? What about when John has had a long day and wants to unwind? See what I'm saying? Perfection in each of these areas is dependent on the day and what works. I miss that though. I need to let go of this way of thinking and this way of coping with stressful circumstances I have no control over. I'm not exactly sure how to do that though. My inital approach would be to figure out a plan, a plan for perfectly letting go of my demand for perfection..... See how that doesn't really work? So what should I do? What should I do with myself? I don't know how to really let go of this destructive part of my personality. I've always been a pusher of myself. I feel like people usually fall into the category of either needing a kick in the butt, or needing a tug to slow them down. I'm in the later category. I always want to push myself and those around me harder. But then I miss out on life. I get so focused on working to achieve my goal that I miss the enjoyment of where I'm at. My brother said I just need to take some pills :)
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I give unto men weakness...
Sometimes I get to a point in life where I think I'm doing pretty good. I think I'm learning to be afraid of those times. Because what it really signifies is the calm before the storm. These times usually come after I've felt like I've accomplished some work in my journey to perfection. But really, it is just a little act of mercy from God so I can gear up for more lessons in humility.
Last night, I attempted to talk to someone about behaviors I disagreed with. It didn't go so well. I didn't want to even bring anything up because I already knew that my heart wasn't in a good place. I wasn't filled with charity or compassion or understanding. I was filled with all those other emotions it pains me to admit. I was filled with resentment, anger....all those fun ones. I knew that my heart was in the wrong. I knew it. And yet I felt like I was getting nowhere in trying to change it.
Events happened, things were said, and I ended up sitting on the floor in my dark bathroom with tears running down my face. I felt awful about myself. I knew that I was making judgments about this person, I wanted to be filled with good feelings in my heart, it pained me to know that I had hurt this person's feelings...but my heart remained unchanged.
I'm trying to understand myself better. My husband talked with me about how out of character it was for me to be so harsh in my judgments with this particular person. For the most part, I tend to fall on the other side of the fence, I try to gain understanding and give them a break. So it pains me so much to see this in myself. To know that my heart is in the wrong. And to be unable to change it. I keep trying to grasp at things that will help me. What can I do? What are the actions and behaviors I can modify in order to modify my hard heart?
I've been noticing some patterns in my life. I have a fear of making other people feel bad. I also, surprisingly considering what has been written so far, have a desire not to judge others (I know that sounds like complete hypocrisy). So most of the time, if I disagree with what people are doing, I'm too chicken to say anything at the time being because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So what do I do? Instead I take the much better approach of harboring all those thoughts and feelings, letting them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore, and then I proceed to vomit this huge load of negativity on the person. So in my attempt to not hurt someone's feelings, I end up being much more hurtful than if I'd just be honest with people in the moment. I know. I'm super proud of myself. Why can't I just make a simple comment instead of building everything up into this huge ordeal. I've learned enough about myself to know that things have to come out. I don't even care so much if the other person ends up agreeing with me, but if I don't know that they have heard my viewpoint and know how their behavior makes me feel, I CANNOT GET OVER IT!
I so do not enjoy these times when I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. But I have to fight not to go down that road. It is the cowardly thing to wallow in my misery and self-pity. That is what I wanted to do last night. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave my room and go back out to face the people out there. Because I am so ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my pride. I am ashamed with how far away my heart is from where it should be. I am ashamed of my weaknesses.
But I knew I had to do go out there. I bit my lip, dried my eyes, prayed deeply for courage, and walked down the hall. I apologized. I allowed them to respond to me and agreed as they called out my shortcomings. And then I put on my happy face for the night (although I did whisper to my husband that once everyone left I'd probably have a meltdown).
It is hard sometimes. I feel like my mind is in the right place. As hard as I try to feel otherwise, I think my thoughts about this person's behavior are right. But that doesn't mean anything if my heart is not where it should be. My heart is wrong. Hopefully it will change as I continue to seek that change the next few days.
I am grateful though. The person with whom I share this experience has a good heart. He is willing to forgive me. He is willing to be understanding. He is willing to continue to work with me on improving the way we communicate with each other. He has strengths to compensate for my weaknesses.
Wish me luck as I struggle to not abandon myself to self-loathing and pursue the path of change instead.
Last night, I attempted to talk to someone about behaviors I disagreed with. It didn't go so well. I didn't want to even bring anything up because I already knew that my heart wasn't in a good place. I wasn't filled with charity or compassion or understanding. I was filled with all those other emotions it pains me to admit. I was filled with resentment, anger....all those fun ones. I knew that my heart was in the wrong. I knew it. And yet I felt like I was getting nowhere in trying to change it.
Events happened, things were said, and I ended up sitting on the floor in my dark bathroom with tears running down my face. I felt awful about myself. I knew that I was making judgments about this person, I wanted to be filled with good feelings in my heart, it pained me to know that I had hurt this person's feelings...but my heart remained unchanged.
I'm trying to understand myself better. My husband talked with me about how out of character it was for me to be so harsh in my judgments with this particular person. For the most part, I tend to fall on the other side of the fence, I try to gain understanding and give them a break. So it pains me so much to see this in myself. To know that my heart is in the wrong. And to be unable to change it. I keep trying to grasp at things that will help me. What can I do? What are the actions and behaviors I can modify in order to modify my hard heart?
I've been noticing some patterns in my life. I have a fear of making other people feel bad. I also, surprisingly considering what has been written so far, have a desire not to judge others (I know that sounds like complete hypocrisy). So most of the time, if I disagree with what people are doing, I'm too chicken to say anything at the time being because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So what do I do? Instead I take the much better approach of harboring all those thoughts and feelings, letting them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore, and then I proceed to vomit this huge load of negativity on the person. So in my attempt to not hurt someone's feelings, I end up being much more hurtful than if I'd just be honest with people in the moment. I know. I'm super proud of myself. Why can't I just make a simple comment instead of building everything up into this huge ordeal. I've learned enough about myself to know that things have to come out. I don't even care so much if the other person ends up agreeing with me, but if I don't know that they have heard my viewpoint and know how their behavior makes me feel, I CANNOT GET OVER IT!
I so do not enjoy these times when I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. But I have to fight not to go down that road. It is the cowardly thing to wallow in my misery and self-pity. That is what I wanted to do last night. The last thing in the world that I wanted to do was leave my room and go back out to face the people out there. Because I am so ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my pride. I am ashamed with how far away my heart is from where it should be. I am ashamed of my weaknesses.
But I knew I had to do go out there. I bit my lip, dried my eyes, prayed deeply for courage, and walked down the hall. I apologized. I allowed them to respond to me and agreed as they called out my shortcomings. And then I put on my happy face for the night (although I did whisper to my husband that once everyone left I'd probably have a meltdown).
It is hard sometimes. I feel like my mind is in the right place. As hard as I try to feel otherwise, I think my thoughts about this person's behavior are right. But that doesn't mean anything if my heart is not where it should be. My heart is wrong. Hopefully it will change as I continue to seek that change the next few days.
I am grateful though. The person with whom I share this experience has a good heart. He is willing to forgive me. He is willing to be understanding. He is willing to continue to work with me on improving the way we communicate with each other. He has strengths to compensate for my weaknesses.
Wish me luck as I struggle to not abandon myself to self-loathing and pursue the path of change instead.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Blessed
Lately I've been filled with gratitude for all the blessings of God in my life. When it comes down to it, love is what life is all about. We need to be loved and we need the opportunity to love others. I love my husband, and he loves me. We have been through some tough times together. There are ups and downs to our relationship. There have been times when it hurt because I loved him so much. There have also been some dark days, days where we clung to the hope that we'd find a way back to each other. And we did. He has been there in the best of times and the worst of times. He's got my back. He might not always know the best way to cushion my fall, but he tries his hardest and falling continues to be less and less painful. He is strong, reliable, funny, amazing, selfless, and steady. I love him. He has become a part of me.
And then there are my kids. They wrap their little arms around my neck and won't let go. They snuggle onto my lap as much as possible. They hold my face in their pudgy hands to tell me they love me. They forgive me when I falter. They think the best thing in the world is "Special Time" when they get me all to themselves. I love them so much. My love for them has changed me. It has strengthened me and led me to be a better person. My love for them pushes me to heights I never knew I could reach.
It doesn't end there. I have a mother who is the best example for me. She always made me feel special growing up. She threw me parties and celebrated my birthday every year even though it was 2 days after Christmas. She stayed up and waited for me to get back from dates. She sacrificed pretty much everything for her kids. She brought joy into my life and I didn't appreciate it as much as I could have. She gives ME mother's day presents. She is amazing. And my dad. My dad was always there. Recording, filming, supporting... He comes over every Saturday to bring my kids donuts. He lets me come over with my whole brood, and the dog, and sleep over :) You know, my mom was always the one more in the foreground when it came to being there for me. But my dad...he was there right behind her ready to catch me should it be needed. I love my dad.
I also have great siblings. I love my sisters and brothers so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I talk to my sisters on the phone all the time, and when they come to visit, everything else is put on hold so we can just hang out with each other. They are always supportive of me and uplifting. I love them. I love my brothers too. I love spending time with them. I love how sweet they are to my kids. I love my brothers and sisters.
I could keep going. It just seems like everyday I've been crying because something reminds me of how blessed I am to have so much love in my life and in my heart. Nothing really else matters.
And then there are my kids. They wrap their little arms around my neck and won't let go. They snuggle onto my lap as much as possible. They hold my face in their pudgy hands to tell me they love me. They forgive me when I falter. They think the best thing in the world is "Special Time" when they get me all to themselves. I love them so much. My love for them has changed me. It has strengthened me and led me to be a better person. My love for them pushes me to heights I never knew I could reach.
It doesn't end there. I have a mother who is the best example for me. She always made me feel special growing up. She threw me parties and celebrated my birthday every year even though it was 2 days after Christmas. She stayed up and waited for me to get back from dates. She sacrificed pretty much everything for her kids. She brought joy into my life and I didn't appreciate it as much as I could have. She gives ME mother's day presents. She is amazing. And my dad. My dad was always there. Recording, filming, supporting... He comes over every Saturday to bring my kids donuts. He lets me come over with my whole brood, and the dog, and sleep over :) You know, my mom was always the one more in the foreground when it came to being there for me. But my dad...he was there right behind her ready to catch me should it be needed. I love my dad.
I also have great siblings. I love my sisters and brothers so much. I can't imagine my life without them. I talk to my sisters on the phone all the time, and when they come to visit, everything else is put on hold so we can just hang out with each other. They are always supportive of me and uplifting. I love them. I love my brothers too. I love spending time with them. I love how sweet they are to my kids. I love my brothers and sisters.
I could keep going. It just seems like everyday I've been crying because something reminds me of how blessed I am to have so much love in my life and in my heart. Nothing really else matters.
Diligence
My 8 year old son has been preparing for his baptism. Several months ago, he was asked to come up with 3 goals for school. One of the things he chose was to read the Book of Mormon before his baptism. This was a pretty ambitious goal since it is about 530 pages and he'd read way under 100. He tried to read at least 1 chapter every night, but it didn't always happen. About 4 months ago, I told him he needed to make a decision. If he was going to reach his goal, he'd need to start reading 2 chapters a day. I tried to be as uninfluential as I could about it. He thought for less than a minute and said he still wanted to do it. And he wanted to read a bunch of chapters right then and there. About 2 months ago, I realized that he didn't know how to accomplish this goal unless I provided the structure for it. I went to a website, typed in his current spot and his target end date, and printed it out. He'd need to read about 6 pages each day. I wouldn't have been surprised had he decided to change his mind at that point....he didn't. He was determined. He finished yesterday, 2 days ahead of schedule.
When it comes to religion and my kids, I am sometimes torn. I want to teach them about sin and its consequences. But I'm also hesitant sometimes about how I'm influencing them in their choices. They are at an age where they like to please me. They want me to be pleased with them. I worry about them making religious and moral decisions, not because they know it is the right thing to do, but because they think it will make me happy. I don't want that. I want them to feel the Holy Spirit working within them. I want them to make good choices for the right reasons. My brother thinks that my son read it because I'm molding him. I really don't know if that is the case though. I didn't want him to do it to make me happy, I didn't want him to do it so everyone would think I'm a great mother, I didn't want him to do it if HE didn't want it.
But he did. He truly wanted to do it. To me, that is a testament of its truthfulness. Why else would a child be so determined and diligent? I know that he could feel the Holy Spirit testify to him as he read. Last night when he came down to announce that he was done, his face was filled with joy. He wanted to call everyone and tell them. The first thing he said when he woke up this morning was, "Remember how I finished the Book of Mormon?"
This was a good experience for me. I had to make his goal a priority in order for him to accomplish it. Almost every morning, we'd put school on the back burner while we read a chapter together. I had committed with a group of women to read the Book of Mormon by the end of April. I had to make the decision to put that goal aside and help Carston instead. I didn't want to push him to do it, but I realized he could not accomplish it on his own if I didn't offer support.
I hope that this experience has served to strengthen his testimony. I hope that he will continue to study his scriptures and gain the strength that God knows he needs. I feel so blessed to know that God can always guide me as I try my best to help my kids in the ways that they need.
When it comes to religion and my kids, I am sometimes torn. I want to teach them about sin and its consequences. But I'm also hesitant sometimes about how I'm influencing them in their choices. They are at an age where they like to please me. They want me to be pleased with them. I worry about them making religious and moral decisions, not because they know it is the right thing to do, but because they think it will make me happy. I don't want that. I want them to feel the Holy Spirit working within them. I want them to make good choices for the right reasons. My brother thinks that my son read it because I'm molding him. I really don't know if that is the case though. I didn't want him to do it to make me happy, I didn't want him to do it so everyone would think I'm a great mother, I didn't want him to do it if HE didn't want it.
But he did. He truly wanted to do it. To me, that is a testament of its truthfulness. Why else would a child be so determined and diligent? I know that he could feel the Holy Spirit testify to him as he read. Last night when he came down to announce that he was done, his face was filled with joy. He wanted to call everyone and tell them. The first thing he said when he woke up this morning was, "Remember how I finished the Book of Mormon?"
This was a good experience for me. I had to make his goal a priority in order for him to accomplish it. Almost every morning, we'd put school on the back burner while we read a chapter together. I had committed with a group of women to read the Book of Mormon by the end of April. I had to make the decision to put that goal aside and help Carston instead. I didn't want to push him to do it, but I realized he could not accomplish it on his own if I didn't offer support.
I hope that this experience has served to strengthen his testimony. I hope that he will continue to study his scriptures and gain the strength that God knows he needs. I feel so blessed to know that God can always guide me as I try my best to help my kids in the ways that they need.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Resolution
I have been filled with unkind feelings lately toward a certain company we've been trying to work with. I've been frustrated, flabbergasted, angry, upset, annoyed, sad, etc. I did not like this company one bit. I was so torn with what we should do and how we should proceed. A couple nights ago we got some more upsetting news and I ended up staying up until the wee hours of the morning trying to calm myself down so I could sleep. The next day, I told John I needed to go to the temple. Driving over there that evening, we just about got into a stupid argument. I knew that it was the adversary trying to prevent me from being in the right spirit. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the answers I was seeking if I went in there upset with John. I prayed my guts out that in the remaining five minutes before we arrived, our issue could be resolved. It was. We have never started down one of those discussions and had it end so quickly. I knew that was a little miracle from God and I was so thankful for it.
As I sat in the session, I kept praying to know what we should do. Should we continue to work with this company or should we pull out? I kept getting the answer that we should keep working with them. Even though I knew that was the road we should take, I still didn't WANT to do it. I was filled with anger and bitterness toward them, and the thought of completing this project with them seriously made me sick to my stomach. So then I spent the next part of the session asking Heavenly Father to please change my heart so that I would not have these feelings and I'd be able to work with them and do what needed to be done with a peaceful heart.
I was surprised with how Heavenly Father helped me have that change of heart. The last time we went to the temple, I could feel the spirit of our next child. It was a very emotional experience and helped me with some things relating to my feelings about having another child. Because of how my pregnancies go, as well as all the things I have going on, I feel like it is best for us to be settled in a new home before I get pregnant again. As I sat in the temple yesterday struggling with my feelings for this company and my desire to work with them in building a home, I felt such a strong impression about having this baby. What was more important? The issues we had with this company? Or being able to bring this child into our family? Heavenly Father let me know that this child was waiting and ready to come down, and bringing this child into our home was more important than anything happening with this company. There probably isn't any other thing that Heavenly Father could have used that would have been powerful enough for me to let my negative emotions go so I could move forward and be at peace with this company. Just like that, my heart was changed. Where it had been filled with anger and resentment and bitterness jush an hour before, it was now filled with peace and understanding. That is a miracle to me.
I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and the temple. This was a problem in my life where taking a lot of time to work things out wasn't possible. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him, seeking the help and answers I need, and if I accept them (even if I don't like them), He will help me align my heart with His.
As I sat in the session, I kept praying to know what we should do. Should we continue to work with this company or should we pull out? I kept getting the answer that we should keep working with them. Even though I knew that was the road we should take, I still didn't WANT to do it. I was filled with anger and bitterness toward them, and the thought of completing this project with them seriously made me sick to my stomach. So then I spent the next part of the session asking Heavenly Father to please change my heart so that I would not have these feelings and I'd be able to work with them and do what needed to be done with a peaceful heart.
I was surprised with how Heavenly Father helped me have that change of heart. The last time we went to the temple, I could feel the spirit of our next child. It was a very emotional experience and helped me with some things relating to my feelings about having another child. Because of how my pregnancies go, as well as all the things I have going on, I feel like it is best for us to be settled in a new home before I get pregnant again. As I sat in the temple yesterday struggling with my feelings for this company and my desire to work with them in building a home, I felt such a strong impression about having this baby. What was more important? The issues we had with this company? Or being able to bring this child into our family? Heavenly Father let me know that this child was waiting and ready to come down, and bringing this child into our home was more important than anything happening with this company. There probably isn't any other thing that Heavenly Father could have used that would have been powerful enough for me to let my negative emotions go so I could move forward and be at peace with this company. Just like that, my heart was changed. Where it had been filled with anger and resentment and bitterness jush an hour before, it was now filled with peace and understanding. That is a miracle to me.
I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and the temple. This was a problem in my life where taking a lot of time to work things out wasn't possible. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him, seeking the help and answers I need, and if I accept them (even if I don't like them), He will help me align my heart with His.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
You Are Not Alone
This has pretty much become my journal, so here is what I feel I've learned more about his week :) I had a prompting several weeks ago to write a couple of letters to some teenagers I knew. I didn't do it. It wasn't intentional, but I kept forgetting and life would be busy. Last week I found out that some events had occured and these two kids found themselves in some pretty challenging circumstances. Needless to say, I didn't put it off any longer. It took some effort to get them to the kids, but I wrote them and had them delivered. It immediately opened up a line of communication with one of the girls. I've spent time this last week offering her whatever love and support I can. There is nothing I can do to change their circumstances. I don't have the answers about what choices they should make. I can't tell them what the right thing to do is. I can't give them a magic formula to make everything all better. I can't even give them a hug. But I can let them know that they are not alone. Yesterday I was making cookies and had the strong thought that I should send a text asking this girl how she was doing. I'd learned my lesson and so I acted without delay. It turns out that at that exact moment she was feeling incredibly alone and forgotten. I don't think the timing of that text was a coincidence. As I look back through my life, I can think of so many times where my heart went out to people because of their struggles, and yet I felt like there was nothing I could do....and so that is exactly what I did-nothing. But I am realizing more and more the important work we can do in those situations. When we help someone remember that they are not alone, that they have not been forgotten in their trials, we are doing the Lord's work. At some point, they will know because of small and simple acts of love, that God has not left them alone. He has not forgotten them. One night when I was talking to this girl, I felt impressed to push her to turn to God. She was hesitant. She wondered is He even cared about her, if He would even want to have anything to do with her. As I kept testifying that God loved her, she asked me how I could even know that. I knew it because I was there for her right then, right at the time when she needed it. It was not just luck that she had someone to talk to. God knew the trials she would soon be facing and had prompted me to write her a letter. That letter led to a door being opened. That open door allowed me to show her love and compassion at the time when she needed it most. Those events are not insignificant. Sometimes when people are struggling through trials, the only thing we can do-and the thing most needed-is to let them know that they are not alone. We show them that God is aware of them when we show that we are aware of them. We show them that God does not leave them alone when we refuse to leave them to suffer alone. I remember when my mom was going through a very difficult time. There wasn't anything anyone could do to fix the challenges she was going through. Do you know what she remembers about that time? Someone left flowers for her at work. It had nothing to do with her trial, but it was a testament to her that she was not alone, that she was not forgotten. It was a testament that God loved her and was aware of her. There are several people right now in my life who are struggling with some difficult challenges. Ones that I can't magically disappear. I've found myself mourning and being weighed down. I've wondered how it must feel for President Monson who is much more aware of the difficulties faced by many more people. But I realize that I can do something. If I can help people simply feel like they are not alone, if I can help them know that the Savior is there for them....what can be more important or significant than that?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Stagnant
I am antsy. We have been planning and preparing for a huge change in our lives. All the planning is pretty much wrapped up and now we are on to the waiting period. I hate it. I've never been a procrastinator, unlike my husband who has mad procrastination skills. I was the one who had book reports finished a week ahead of schedule, read the entire book for English by the second class, made sure I finished reading challenges at least two weeks before the deadline...you get the picture. Whenever there is a deadline to be programmed into my brain, I convert it before processing. I make it earlier. So now I'm in a pickle. I've been feeling slightly blue. Because I've moved on. I'm done and ready. I don't want to wait. I hate being stagnant. But there's nothing I can do about it. I need something else to occupy my mind.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sacrifices worth making
When I was pregnant with our 4th child, I felt this incessant desire to know if this would be our last child. My husband couldn't understand the crazy seeking-especially since number 4 wasn't even born yet. But I had to know. Pregnancy is hard on me just like it is many women. It is hard physically. I spend the first 5 months nearly incapacitated as I struggle to get through each day. I usually lose weight the first few months because I can't eat anything other than cheerios, saltines, and ginger ale. Water makes me vomit. Brushing my teeth makes me vomit. Getting out of bed in the morning makes me vomit. Getting off the couch makes me vomit. Driving in the car makes me vomit. You get the picture. And it doesn't go away after 5 months, just eases up a little. Add to that the sleepless nights, the heartburn, the inability to move without involuntarily moaning. But the physical difficulties are nothing compared to the mental and emotional struggles pregnancy can bring. 3 out of 4 pregnancies have brought depression. Some were more mild, but one was especially frightening. It was a very dark time. And while I can predict and anticipate what physical ailments will come, I can't predict just how much it will affect me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that is the part that scares me the most. When I was pregnant with our first child, everything was so exciting. I remember smiling the first time I told my husband I felt nauseous. It was amazing to see what my body was capable of. Times have changed. While it is still amazing and exciting to know that a life is growing inside of you, you know too well what to expect. I know how awful it will be. I know how my body will struggle as strives to carry a child. And with more children depending on me, I know that there will be no ''taking it easy." I can't shut down for nine months and make pregnancy my only focus. Maybe that is why I felt such a need to know. Anyway, I had a very sacred experience where I gained the knowledge that number 4 was not our last child. I knew number 5 was also waiting to come to our family. So here we are. All of our other children are either 2 years or 18 months apart. My "baby" is now 2, and the next one is nowhere in sight. I've been dreading it. I've been dreading pregnancy and all the expected and unexpected difficulties. I've been trying to figure out when the best time for me to be out of commission would be. Guess what? There is no "Best Time." Between building a house and moving this summer, and adjusting to homeschooling an extra child in the fall....I'm at a loss. I've just been feeling such anxiety about the whole situation. Until this week. We went to the temple. I definitely had it on my mind and was able to have such a special experience. I was able to feel the spirit of this child that was waiting to come down, I was able to remember that every sacrifice I would have to make would be worth it, and I was able to feel God's love for me and his approval of the things I was willing to go through to bring this child to our family. I feel better. I still don't know exactly when the time will be right, and I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but I know that everything will work out. I know that God is aware of me, that He knows how to direct my life, and that He will be there with me every step of the way. So number 5...you are SO worth it and I can't wait to meet you.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Progress is here...even if it be small :)
I feel like I have made progress. I read parts of the book The Feeling Good Handbook. It has sections about overcoming depression, anxiety, etc. But the sections I read were on communication. It is definitely the most helpful thing I've ever read on the subject. It doesn't just tell you how you should communicate, it discusses reasons why you fight against it, what you gain from it, and step by step teaches you how. It forces you to examine your own communication and where you are lacking. Obviously the communication I'm trying to improve is that with my husband. I have an amazing husband. I really do. We love each other. We support each other. He comes home from a bad day at work, sees that I've had a rough day, and his desire to give me a break is stronger than his desire to give himself a break. He always offers me the last of his fries or shake. He has been stood by my side as I've waded through sorrow. I love him. And he loves me. But from the beginning, our ability to feel intimate with each other through our communication has never been our strength. I think I've always felt like the problem resided with him. If I'm being honest with myself. And that right there is why I think it hasn't improved much in the almost 10 years since we've been married. 10 years. That is a LONG time. I think maybe that is why I've felt such a strong push and desire to change this. Hitting the 10 year mark in your marriage can be both comforting and scary. Comforting because "Hey! You Made It! You are still married!" And scary because thinking of the weaknesses in your marriage you think, "Crap! You Made It! You are still Here!" I do NOT want this to be our marital weakness for the rest of our marriage. I don't. Enough is enough and it is time to change it. And that is precisely why I feel like it will actually happen. Instead of wanting and waiting my husband to change, I'm willing to change myself in order to change this aspect of our marriage. One of the things that really stuck with me from my reading was this: YOU HAVE TO LOSE TO WIN. I have to lose in my idea of how to change things in order to win the greater intimacy I'm trying to get. It has been so easy for me to get lost in the smaller conflicts and not realize that giving in would give me what I really wanted. Instead of pushing and pushing, what I really need to do was pull. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just feel like I was pushing and pushing my husband for better communication, and the only thing I was really accomplishing was pushing him away. This book truly made me see my weaknesses in communicating that repel intimacy. That might be because I was in a good mindset, I was willing to look at myself. I'm so glad I did. Another thing I've learned is that I can handle some disappointment from my spouse. If he is disappointed that I feel a certain way, or that I said something...IT DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN"T LOVE ME. I was laying there one night after talking with him and trying to use the tools I'd been reading about. And the tools worked. He opened up about some sensitive things that were hard to share. I was so pleased with that. And yet, some of the things made me feel bad. I was laying there wallowing in sorrow and feeling rejected when I had an epiphany. I WAS STRONG. I could handle this. If getting the intimacy I wanted with my spouse required some pain, bring it on. I was strong enough to handle a little rejection or a little hurt feelings. It didn't mean he didn't love me. I was jumping to those insane conclusions and by so doing, encouraging him not to share himself with me. Anyway, this is all a bit random. And maybe it is a little too personal. But I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget what I've learned. I don't want to forget the things I've learned about how to change myself in order to change my marriage. And that was one of the things I loved from this book. Everything I learned, it showed how one person changing will change both people involved. It showed how changing your negative communication skills will automatically change the other person's. I can do this. I have to power to obtain the strength in our marriage, as long as I let go of my smaller desire to do it "my way."
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
To Progress
I'm trying to sort things out in my mind. Why do relationships have to be so complicated. Whoever said that love was not enough was right. No matter how much you love someone, there is always an amount of difficult learning required to make things work. You can love someone and not know what they need from you when they are sad. You can love someone and not know how to share your thoughts and feelings with them. You can love someone and not know how to hear what they feel when they are talking. You can love someone and still not behave in a manner that allows them to trust you.
In high school, I subconsciously prided myself on my communication abilities. As I'm finding out, they are actually quite poor when it comes down to it. Let's take a look at all my failings:
1. Put-downs: I use put-downs. I never thought I did because I don't really participate in name-calling. But every so often, when it comes to certain things, I use phrases like, "You never..." and "You always..." Sometimes out loud and sometimes in my mind. Those are put downs. They put people down into a negative place and keep them there forever in your mind.
2. Hopelessness: I give up and insist there is no point in trying. I don't often find myself here, but nevertheless, there are definitely times with certain subjects where I feel hopeless. I find myself feeling like things will never be different and the only productive thing I can do is surrender to that fact.
3. Demandingness: I feel entitled to better treatment but refuse to ask for what I want in a direct, straightforward way. This one is something I do more frequently I think. I relate more to the not asking part. I don't know that I feel entitled, but I definitely desire things and don't always ask.
4. Passive Aggression: I withdraw or say nothing. While I've made progress with this one, it is still a frequent foe. Sometimes I can literally feel myself shutting down. At times I feel like I couldn't say something even if my children's lives depended on it. Not so good.
5. Self-Blame: Instead of dealing with the problem, I act like I'm an awful, terrible person. A few years ago, I saw this pattern in myself. I would withdraw and then turn everything on myself in order to not be hurt or angry with the other person. Maybe I'm trying to cut the other person out completely because they are beyond my control. I don't know. I do know though that it doesn't help address the issue. It only makes it worse. Not only do I have the original problem, but now I also feel extremely awful about myself.
It is so frustrating for me to love someone, have something I want to discuss, and then have everything just end up worse. I have found myself just not wanting to bring things up that matter to me. And that scares me. I'm scared that I will just build up all these negative feelings and explode one day. I see people who have been married for years, and then they just walk away from each other. That scares me. And so, I'm working to improve my communication. Maybe I'll make progress, maybe I won't. But the odds are against me if I don't even try right?
Some of the things that have stuck with me:
1. Bad Communication is not expressing feelings openly and not acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Therefore good communication really just boils down to expressing your feelings openly and acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Why does it sound so easy and yet it is so hard to implement?
2. Whatever you do, DO NOT CONTRADICT the other person.
3. When people don't ask me questions about my feelings and why I have them, I feel like that is a projection of their lack of love and interest in me. Subsequently, if people don't share their thoughts and feelings with me, I feel like that portrays a lack of love or interest in me.
4. If someone is frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset with me, it does not mean that they don't love me. It just means that they are frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset.
5. When someone tells me something that is not pleasant, find a part of it I can agree with. It will help them know I am listening and understanding. It will help stop me from being defensive.
6. I need to validate the other person's thought and feelings. This doesn't mean that I agree, but it lets them know that I am understanding how they are thinking and feeling.
7. Make inquires. Ask questions. This will prevent me from leaping to my own conclusions (which are always the worst possible scenario). This encourages them to share their thoughts and feelings. The most powerful (and also scariest) inquiries involve questions about how I have hurt them and what things I've done.
8. Use "I feel" statements. This will help keep me from blaming statements and put downs. Words I can use: angry, criticized, put-down, frustrated, coerced, misunderstood, sad, rejected, hurt, unloved, disappointed, ignored, intimidated, attacked, inadequate.
9. It is important to express my wishes and desires. This goes right along with not asking for what I want.
10. Most importantly, in the heat of the moment and all the emotions, I need to find a way to still express how much I care for the other person. Otherwise, they might feel rejected and unloved.
These are all things I've heard and read about before. But when I tried to reconstruct a conversation using them, it made me realize how much work I have ahead of me. However, this is something I really want to change about myself. I feel like it really inhibits my ability to be close to people. I don't know that I really want the world to know my weaknesses, but there is power for me in writing things down. I might want to do certain things, but until I've written them somewhere I don't feel fully committed or accountable for progress. So this post is dedicated to progress.
In high school, I subconsciously prided myself on my communication abilities. As I'm finding out, they are actually quite poor when it comes down to it. Let's take a look at all my failings:
1. Put-downs: I use put-downs. I never thought I did because I don't really participate in name-calling. But every so often, when it comes to certain things, I use phrases like, "You never..." and "You always..." Sometimes out loud and sometimes in my mind. Those are put downs. They put people down into a negative place and keep them there forever in your mind.
2. Hopelessness: I give up and insist there is no point in trying. I don't often find myself here, but nevertheless, there are definitely times with certain subjects where I feel hopeless. I find myself feeling like things will never be different and the only productive thing I can do is surrender to that fact.
3. Demandingness: I feel entitled to better treatment but refuse to ask for what I want in a direct, straightforward way. This one is something I do more frequently I think. I relate more to the not asking part. I don't know that I feel entitled, but I definitely desire things and don't always ask.
4. Passive Aggression: I withdraw or say nothing. While I've made progress with this one, it is still a frequent foe. Sometimes I can literally feel myself shutting down. At times I feel like I couldn't say something even if my children's lives depended on it. Not so good.
5. Self-Blame: Instead of dealing with the problem, I act like I'm an awful, terrible person. A few years ago, I saw this pattern in myself. I would withdraw and then turn everything on myself in order to not be hurt or angry with the other person. Maybe I'm trying to cut the other person out completely because they are beyond my control. I don't know. I do know though that it doesn't help address the issue. It only makes it worse. Not only do I have the original problem, but now I also feel extremely awful about myself.
It is so frustrating for me to love someone, have something I want to discuss, and then have everything just end up worse. I have found myself just not wanting to bring things up that matter to me. And that scares me. I'm scared that I will just build up all these negative feelings and explode one day. I see people who have been married for years, and then they just walk away from each other. That scares me. And so, I'm working to improve my communication. Maybe I'll make progress, maybe I won't. But the odds are against me if I don't even try right?
Some of the things that have stuck with me:
1. Bad Communication is not expressing feelings openly and not acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Therefore good communication really just boils down to expressing your feelings openly and acknowledging how the other person is thinking and feeling. Why does it sound so easy and yet it is so hard to implement?
2. Whatever you do, DO NOT CONTRADICT the other person.
3. When people don't ask me questions about my feelings and why I have them, I feel like that is a projection of their lack of love and interest in me. Subsequently, if people don't share their thoughts and feelings with me, I feel like that portrays a lack of love or interest in me.
4. If someone is frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset with me, it does not mean that they don't love me. It just means that they are frustrated, angry, annoyed, or upset.
5. When someone tells me something that is not pleasant, find a part of it I can agree with. It will help them know I am listening and understanding. It will help stop me from being defensive.
6. I need to validate the other person's thought and feelings. This doesn't mean that I agree, but it lets them know that I am understanding how they are thinking and feeling.
7. Make inquires. Ask questions. This will prevent me from leaping to my own conclusions (which are always the worst possible scenario). This encourages them to share their thoughts and feelings. The most powerful (and also scariest) inquiries involve questions about how I have hurt them and what things I've done.
8. Use "I feel" statements. This will help keep me from blaming statements and put downs. Words I can use: angry, criticized, put-down, frustrated, coerced, misunderstood, sad, rejected, hurt, unloved, disappointed, ignored, intimidated, attacked, inadequate.
9. It is important to express my wishes and desires. This goes right along with not asking for what I want.
10. Most importantly, in the heat of the moment and all the emotions, I need to find a way to still express how much I care for the other person. Otherwise, they might feel rejected and unloved.
These are all things I've heard and read about before. But when I tried to reconstruct a conversation using them, it made me realize how much work I have ahead of me. However, this is something I really want to change about myself. I feel like it really inhibits my ability to be close to people. I don't know that I really want the world to know my weaknesses, but there is power for me in writing things down. I might want to do certain things, but until I've written them somewhere I don't feel fully committed or accountable for progress. So this post is dedicated to progress.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Purpose of Life Quote
"People ask me, what is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes for my life?"
-Rick Warren
-Rick Warren
Friday, February 18, 2011
Insignificant
Can I just say that I continue to be amazed with the simple way that God opens doors. He is so aware of each one of us. He guides us to do seemingly insignificant things in order to break down people's walls and show them His love, give them the help and comfort they are seeking, and bless their lives.
There is a young woman who has struggled with activity. She has little to mostly no support when it comes to church. She came to camp last year and had a great experience, and we all loved getting to know her and see what a sweet girl she is. I'd seen a few posts from her facebook the last few weeks where I didn't really understand what she was talking about. She ended up coming to our YW activity this past week. In passing, I asked her about the posts. That simple, relatively conversational question led to her breaking down, opening up about some difficult struggles she's going through, lots of hugs, other girls reaching out to her, late night texts about her desire to be strong in the gospel, etc.
A quick perusal of YW facebook posts and a simple question...and a door was opened. God is there. Most of the work He needs us to do will seem small and insignificant, but it will be those simple things that accomplish His desire of bringing people closer to Him. It will be those simple things that result in prayers being answered. It will be those little things that let us see the hand of God working among His children.
"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6
There is a young woman who has struggled with activity. She has little to mostly no support when it comes to church. She came to camp last year and had a great experience, and we all loved getting to know her and see what a sweet girl she is. I'd seen a few posts from her facebook the last few weeks where I didn't really understand what she was talking about. She ended up coming to our YW activity this past week. In passing, I asked her about the posts. That simple, relatively conversational question led to her breaking down, opening up about some difficult struggles she's going through, lots of hugs, other girls reaching out to her, late night texts about her desire to be strong in the gospel, etc.
A quick perusal of YW facebook posts and a simple question...and a door was opened. God is there. Most of the work He needs us to do will seem small and insignificant, but it will be those simple things that accomplish His desire of bringing people closer to Him. It will be those simple things that result in prayers being answered. It will be those little things that let us see the hand of God working among His children.
"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6
Monday, February 7, 2011
Quote
"Remember that you are entitled to our Father's blessings in this work. He did not call you to your privileged post to walk alone, without guidance, trusting to luck. On the contrary, He knows your skill, He realizes your devotion, and He will convert your supposed inadequacies to recognized strengths. He has promised: 'I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.'"
-President Thomas S. Monson
-President Thomas S. Monson
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Following the Prompting
In the last post, I wrote about a prompting I'd recieved. I had an impression to compile quotes and send one to my brother each day. I just wanted to say that I'm doing it. I've thought about doing it several times over the last few years but I was always more concerned I guess with how he would react. This time, I just decided that I loved him more than I cared about how he felt for me. If I offend him, if he gets angry with me, if he feels like I'm judging him....I can live with those. What I can't live with would be the regret that I did not do all I could to help him find the joy and peace that I so long to see him have in his life. So, it has begun. I started around the first of the year. I don't know what the results will be. A few times he has replied that he likes a particular one, but other than that I don't even know if it has any impact on him. But I feel at peace. I don't know what the outcome of it will be, but I do know that I'm doing what the Lord wants me to do.
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