Insignificant

Can I just say that I continue to be amazed with the simple way that God opens doors. He is so aware of each one of us. He guides us to do seemingly insignificant things in order to break down people's walls and show them His love, give them the help and comfort they are seeking, and bless their lives.

There is a young woman who has struggled with activity. She has little to mostly no support when it comes to church. She came to camp last year and had a great experience, and we all loved getting to know her and see what a sweet girl she is. I'd seen a few posts from her facebook the last few weeks where I didn't really understand what she was talking about. She ended up coming to our YW activity this past week. In passing, I asked her about the posts. That simple, relatively conversational question led to her breaking down, opening up about some difficult struggles she's going through, lots of hugs, other girls reaching out to her, late night texts about her desire to be strong in the gospel, etc.

A quick perusal of YW facebook posts and a simple question...and a door was opened. God is there. Most of the work He needs us to do will seem small and insignificant, but it will be those simple things that accomplish His desire of bringing people closer to Him. It will be those simple things that result in prayers being answered. It will be those little things that let us see the hand of God working among His children.

"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6

Quote

"Remember that you are entitled to our Father's blessings in this work. He did not call you to your privileged post to walk alone, without guidance, trusting to luck. On the contrary, He knows your skill, He realizes your devotion, and He will convert your supposed inadequacies to recognized strengths. He has promised: 'I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.'"
-President Thomas S. Monson

Following the Prompting

In the last post, I wrote about a prompting I'd recieved. I had an impression to compile quotes and send one to my brother each day. I just wanted to say that I'm doing it. I've thought about doing it several times over the last few years but I was always more concerned I guess with how he would react. This time, I just decided that I loved him more than I cared about how he felt for me. If I offend him, if he gets angry with me, if he feels like I'm judging him....I can live with those. What I can't live with would be the regret that I did not do all I could to help him find the joy and peace that I so long to see him have in his life. So, it has begun. I started around the first of the year. I don't know what the results will be. A few times he has replied that he likes a particular one, but other than that I don't even know if it has any impact on him. But I feel at peace. I don't know what the outcome of it will be, but I do know that I'm doing what the Lord wants me to do.

God knoweth what things ye have need of even before you ask

In my patriarchal blessing, it told me to memorize 2 chapters of scripture. A few years ago I finally memorized the first one, and amazing things happened as a result. About a month ago, I kept getting the feeling that I should memorize the second chapter: Hebrews 11. And so it began. For a few weeks, I used the time set aside for scripture study to memorize the chapter. It is an interesting chapter. It is a chapter about faith. For the first little while, I memorized verses about Moses, Abraham, Enoch, etc. Mighty, prominent men in the scriptures who worked miracles and great events through their faith. And then one day, I came to a verse near the end. The first half of the verse continued the theme of miracles being performed through faith, but halfway through, it took a drastic turn. It started talking about people who were tortured, stoned, sawn asunder, etc. It spoke of all these people who were severely afflicted, and yet stayed true to their faith in God. Each day as I read or spoke that verse aloud, it brought tears to my eyes, maybe it was the juxtoposition with the other men and women spoken of earlier in the chapter. Needless to say, I thought about it alot. I wondered why these verses of sorrow and trial were connected so closely to the other examples. I came to the conclusion that these people, "of whom the world was not worthy' were pillars and examples of faith just as powerfully as Moses, Abraham, Enoch, and all the others were. Here were people who had sore trials and sorrows heaped upon them, who by any of the world's standards, should "curse God and die." And yet they remained faithful. They did not let their tribulations rob them of their trust in God. As I studied and memorized this chapter, it was a powerful experience.

A few weeks after I finished memorizing it, I found out something that broke my heart. A good friend of mine from my high school days has been experiencing what seems to be an endless supply of tribulation. Three years ago, her son was born with a heart defect that required an almost immediate transplant. But even after that, he has continued to spend most of his life in the hospital with strange illnesses and life-threatening diseases that leave doctors puzzled. She keeps a blog so that family and friends can be easily informed of the latest happenings with her son....whether they are still in the hospital, or if they've gone home until the next time (which is never too far away). Her husband is in medical school and they live far away from family.

She was 7 months pregnant, and she wrote a post that broke everyone's heart. She found out she has thyroid cancer. Here is a modern day example of someone the world would look at and say, "Curse God and die." Because of her son's transplant, there are people all over the world that are aware of her and everything that she's going through. Several of them made comments to the extent that they can't believe this is happening. Hasn't she been through enough already. So off she went, getting surgery, crossing her fingers her son wouldn't require hospitilization while she recovered, wondering what the outcome will be of all the testing, hoping both her baby and herself will survive the surgery, wondering how much the cancer can grow in the two months before she can get treatment.....You can see how people would look at her and think, "Enough already! Give the poor girl a break."

My heart broke for her. This was the girl who was always quick to smile, my running partner and therefore confidant of all things cruch-related. Never did either of us imagine that this was what awaited her. As I thought of her and prayed for her, my thoughts kept returning to the scriptures I had just memorized. Because of all the experiences with her son, there were people all over the country who knew of her, who followed her life through her blog, and who know waited anxiously to see the outcome of this new development. And she did not stumble. She held on to her faith. She stood as a witness that no matter what, she would trust in the Lord. No matter what.

As I pondered about her circumstances and these scriptures, I kept feeling a desire to send her a message. And so I did. She responded. She talked about how my message and thoughts were something that she needed to hear, and said that they had helped her. I knew that I had been an instrument of the Lord in giving her a message of love. I was in awe of how the Lord had prepared me so that I could do it. Weeks before either of us knew this was coming, He prompted me to study and memorize these scriptures I'd put off for years. I didn't know that He'd need me to use it to bless her life. But I'm so glad I followed that prompting. I'm so glad that the Lord was aware, that he knew in advance, exactly how to succor this sweet daughter of his as she struggled under tribulations that many thought would be too much to bear.

Answering My Own Prayers

I have someone in my life that I love, someone who has struggled for several years, someone who is unable to fulfill their dreams because of choices they've made, someone who might have given up hope on themselves, someone whose life is more often filled with sorrow than joy. About a year ago, something happened that left me bawling all night. I've shed many tears for this person over the years because of everything they've been through, but this night was different. My heart ached so badly for them, for all that they were missing in life, all that they'd suffered, all that they had given up. I made a commitment that night. I knew that God was the only one with the ability to work a miracle in this person's life, and I resolved that I would petition Him and pull down His power in this person's behalf in any means available to me. I have been praying and fasting on a daily and weekly basis. I try to be specific in my pleadings rather than simply asking God to bless them. A few weeks ago, I started asking God to surround this person with people of good influence who would pull them back to God. This was the thing that I felt would be most powerful at this point in the person's life. I didn't think much of it when a certain idea kept coming to my mind. This specific idea had filtered through a few times before, but I had never committed to it, maybe out of fear or maybe out of doubt. But this time, I made a decision that I was going to act on this impression that kept pressing upon me. It would take a lot of preparation, it would involve a form of directness that had always resulted in bad results previously, and I was more than a little scared to carry it out, but I was committed. I felt really good after making the decision and knew that it was something God wanted me to do. A few days later as I was reiterating my plea that people of good influence would come into this person's life and pull them back to God, my heart froze with a spiritual realization. It was me. I was the person I had been praying for.

My Newest Epiphany

Lately I've just felt myself being overtaken with negativity. I've felt negative about the things I need to do for church, negative about the things I need to keep my house up and running, negative about my marriage, negative about myself, NEGATIVE. I was furtively praying and trying to stop myself, correct myself, but it all seemed to no avail. One morning, I woke up and thought to myself, "I don't want to get out of bed. What's waiting for me...give the girls a bath, do all three of their hair, shower, get dressed and do my hair, the dishes need to be done, John is going to watch the football game for four hours, I should vacuum, I need to write those letters that have been haunting my mind for the last month, I don't even know what I'll make for dinner,etc...." Seriously, I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel like there was going to be anything in my day that I'd enjoy doing. Isn't that awful? I thought it was awful. I knew this was the path I'd been going down, so I wasn't surprised to find myself here. But I didn't WANT to be here. I didn't want to be missing all the joy in my life. I didn't want to be a complainer and a whiner. I didn't want to be so ungrateful. But as much as I didn't want all those things, I didn't know how to fix it. I could get up and fake it, put a big smile on my face and infuse the day with false cheerfulness, and no one else would be the wiser (I'm an excellent actress as long as no one is filming). But I'd feel exactly the same inside, wake up the next day feeling the same, and have to start the charade again. I didn't know what to do. But, I did get out of bed. After a lecture from my husband, I decided to slow things down that morning. I let the girls play long in the bathtub while I read an uplifting book. I let the dishes sit in the sink a little longer. I kind of let life unfold in what seemed like slow motion. And it was a little better. But I knew that rock in my heart was still there. That night, we had a church meeting to attend. It wasn't exactly where I wanted to be, but knew we should go. When the second speaker began by asking how many of us were feeling joy in our life, my heart tuned in. It was a great talk about how we can choose to just live a mundane life or how we can find the joy in it. I took notes and went home with a stronger desire to stop feeling how I was. But still, I had no concrete way of accomplishing it. The next day was Sunday. I fasted and prayed a lot that day that God would help me. And I feel like I got an answer. A little over two years ago, there was a week where two major things happened. First, I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child (my others were 4, 2, and about 10 months old). Second, I got called to oversee the young women (12-18 years) in our church. This would involve lots of meetings and teaching on Sunday, as well as an additional activity each week. It would involve a week in the summer spent at camp. It would mean planning, preparing, and executing all these things. It also meant an emotional load as I carried the responsibility for the well-being of these girls. This meant prayers, notes, late night phone conversations, birthday treats, etc. It was a big job to accept. Anyway, since that time, I have felt this overwhelming pressure to organize my time, to not waste it, to be so careful so that I could accomplish all that was asked of me. Seconds, not minutes, have become precious to me. In order to get it all done, I feel like I always have to be mindful. There is always a running list of tasks in my head and I'm constantly figuring out how I can possibly do it all. Then I started homeschooling my second grader for the majority of school. I know, I seem crazy! But it was one of those things where I knew it was right, and if so, God would provide the way.

You get the picture. Gone are the days of boredom and wondering what to do. And all of these things that I'm doing are good. I chose these things. I chose to be a mother. I chose to have 4 children close together. I chose to accept the task of caring for the young women in the ward. I chose to homeschool. I wanted to do all these things. But suddenly I found myself resentful of the things I had chosen, the things I knew I wanted to do. That bothered me. I knew if I was able to go back and do it all again, I would make the same choices. But something wasn't right. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in the "tasks". I lost myself in the "task" of running my home, instead of finding joy in serving the people in my home. I lost myself in the "task" of the young women, instead of finding joy in serving the sweet, beautiful girls. I lost myself in the "task" of marriage, instead of finding joy in spending my life with a man I love. I lost myself in the "task" of homeschooling, instead of finding joy in teaching my child.

My life hasn't changed. The dishes still need to be done. Dinner will still have to materialize. I still have meetings and activities and things to do with the young women. I still have schoolwork to complete each day with my son. Those things haven't changed. But I have found the answer to HOW to get out of my negative state. I need to go back to the people, how much I love them, and remember why I WANT to do the things I do. I'm excited about that. It is something I can hold onto.

This morning, life was crazy. We wanted to go to the library, but we had schoolwork, and jobs, and books to find... I found myself getting negative, feeling upset. But I stopped. I thought to myself, "Whatever. If we don't get to the library today, whatever." And it worked. I chilled out and quit stressing, put the baby down for a nap, and cleaned my house and did my tasks with a happy heart. It was wonderful.

Bubble Bath...

Last night I was getting in the bath, wishing once again that I had some bubble bath. Everytime I take a bath, I think the same thing. This has been going on for well over a year. Why, you might ask, don't I buy myself some bubble bath? Last night, I finally asked myself the same question. I go to the store all the time, I am the one primarily responsible for keeping our house stocked, why in the world did I not have bubble bath? It only took a moment for the ridiculous excuse to come to light. A long time ago, on a dark and chilly night, I got into the bath and thought to myself how much nicer this bath would be if only there was bubble bath. Maybe, I thought, someone will buy me some for my birthday or Christmas or Mother's Day, or some other holiday. And so, here I am, a year later, waiting for the inspiration to strike one of my beloved family members to buy me bubble bath. Meanwhile, each time I take a bath I lament the absense of the sweet smelling bubbles.

Does that not just sound absolutely ridiculous? Dang woman! Stop waiting around for someone to do it and go out and get what you want!

But the worst part, is that I find myself doing that with things far more important than bubble bath. I find myself doing that with love, with relationships, with dreams, with goals. I find myself wanting things to be different, and yet I do nothing but sit and wait for someone else to make it happen. I am responsible for myself. I have the power to make things happen. It is time to stop waiting for inspiration to strike someone else, and do what I can to change things.

Let's just hope that I still know how to do that.